5 Accessories You Must Have Now

5

HAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA

I don’t know shit about accessorizing. The last accessory I understood were stickpins. If you don’t remember stickpins, then you are a baby.

I am mostly confused by accessories. I mean, I know they are important. I’ve seen the headlines:

The one accessory you need to get that job and attain sainthood!

Wearing this accessory after age fifty will cause your boobs to sag!

What accessory faux pas is causing women’s hair to catch fire?

I am terrible at accessorizing. I don’t get it. I mean, I know we have a foundation first and then when we sprinkle the foundation with smartly chosen accessories, we turn that foundation from ‘semi-formal business casual’ to ‘Hoity Toity dinner party chic’. Or some shit.

I don’t even get the whole ‘foundation’ wardrobe. I just buy shit. Sometimes, I buy shit because it’s on sale. Sometimes, I buy shit because I think it looks pretty. And sometimes, I buy shit because my ass expanded and my jeans are crying for mercy.

Kind of excited, because right now, I’m going in the other direction and my jeans are starting to sag.

Regardless of the size I’ll be buying next at the fat girl shop, I still won’t know how to accessorize. I’d ask the mannequins because they seem to know what they are doing, but those bitches are stuck up.

I did promise to tell you the 5 accessories you must have now, though, didn’t I?

Here they are:

  1. 5 scarves. I am counting all five scarves as one thing. First of all, you will buy five scarves, but three of them will never be worn. One scarve will be worn once. The other 3 times. You will decide scarves are a goddamn pain in the ass and forever be draped across the mirror of your make up table. You will attempt to braid one of the scarves into your hair because Pinterest told you it is a good idea. However, the end result will be that your head looks like it’s getting molested by a doo-rag.
  2. One necklace that goes with everything. A timeless piece. The necklace does not have to be expensive, it just has to be appropriate for every occasion. You can wear a necklace to visit your son’s probation officer or to your father’s retirement party. I suggest a candy necklace because the best snacks are ones you can carry right next to your face.
  3. Stockings with the seam up the back. You should never wear those stockings in public. Unless you’re at a Halloween party and the stockings are part of your slutty auditor/public defender/toll booth operator costume. You need these stockings. If you wear these stockings around the house (without making any mention of why you are wearing them), you can then get your husband to do anything for you.
  4. Hippy Dippy platform shoes. Great big huge 1972 looking platforms. You need these as a constant reminder that you are human and, by very nature of being human, somewhat frail. The platforms serve as the reminder that sometimes accessories are adorable and make your eyes just pop, and other times they are trying to kill you. Or at the very least, trying to break your leg.
  5. A killer glare. We all have to develop that killer glare. That glare that can make even the most belligerent of teenager stop in his tracks. The glare that motivates your husband to take out the trash and then offer to watch a Meg Ryan movie marathon. You need a glare that makes your boss avoid you for a day or two and make the door-to-door douche twizzle salesman slowly back down the stairs and run away. I’m still working on mine. So far, I intimidate toddlers. Not all toddlers. Some toddlers. Okay, it was that one toddler that one time and the kid was possibly crying because a clown was looking over my shoulder.

Obviously, I am failing at accessories. Although, I have bought a few necklaces from groupon lately that I am fond of. So far, they haven’t turned my neck green or anything.

So, tell me, are you good at accessorizing? If not….let me know, I don’t want to be the only accessory loser.

 

 

About the author

88 comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • Yep, #5 is the only one I’m really rocking on a regular basis. Of course I have like ten thousand scarves, bracelets, and whatevers. But I feel really proud of the fact I wear stud earrings almost every day (always the same pair until I lose one and have to go buy another tried-and-true pair at some place tacky like Forever21).

    • Ha! I’ve been wearing the same tiny hoop earrings for 15 years. Daily i ask myself why i got them peirced in the first place… namely because it pissed my dad off.

  • I don’t do badly with scarves, I have a few and I do wear them. Mostly I make them look half decent, well I say mostly, I probably mean they look fine when I first put them on but half way down the street they probably change into something that looks like a mad woman tied it.
    The accessory I should not buy are hats, I have several, none of them suit me, or really fit. I have a large head and they tend to look stupid or fall off repeatedly, making me look even more klutz like than normal.

    Candy necklaces sound like a plan, I have a few necklaces that I really like, they never stay where they are supposed to though, pendants turn round the wrong way, fasteners are always visible. I’m just not an elegant creature apparently, accessories are out to prove that in a big way!

    No man in my life so I’ll save the stockings but yep, they definitely work!
    ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Shoes…I would make Imelda Marcos proud. I wish I had occasion to wear them these days, now it’s whatever’s comfy enough to drag my pathetic old lady shopping trolley to the supermarket and back, apart from stage shoes, which I can only wear for the period of time I’m on stage now, as they cripple me.

    The glare, I have that, mine can freeze lava, but it doesn’t work on narcs.

    I also have a genuine New Orleans fascinator with a skull in the centre which I adore, and does look good on stage, when I can get it to stay in. I’m just so not a girly girl.

    • I don’t have a hat head, either…I really wish I did because I love hats. I used to have a shit ton of shoes, but I’ve gotten rid of most of them.

  • I suck at accessories. I just wear the same two necklaces every day and call them my “signature” look. I usually wear them with an old t-shirt and whichever pants currently aren’t as you put it – screaming for mercy. Yours may cry – mine scream.

  • I’m good at jewelry. I like quirky pieces, I tend to wear black so I can wear a range of necklaces, bracelets, etc. My earrings I’ve grown lazy about so only have a few in regular rotation, but DO have a regular rotation, to keep my holes from closing. I do have the cartilage pierced on my left ear, but it still has the captive ball ring in it from the day it was pierced.

    Scarves, I’ve dabbled with. The hair thing rarely works for me, damn Pinterest (or Buzzfeed) hair anyway.

  • Nope. Not Me. I wear the same necklace all the time – and rarely change my earrings. I do have many many knitted scarves, or shawls and I do wear them from time to time – but they aren’t really accessories as much as a chance to show off my mad knitting skills.
    Oh, and I always have on awesome handknit, colourful socks (except in the summer, cause that would be dumb).

  • This post makes me happy, because while I never wear accessories, I have a killer glare that can make toddlers stop crying out of sheer terror. I’m concluding this is the only accessory I need.
    PS: I don’t know what stickpins are, but Google tells me they are “a neckwear-controlling device”. I’m supposing this is in case your neckwear becomes sentient and tries to strangle you, which makes me doubly happy that I don’t do accessorise.

  • Bracelets! I do love some bracelets. I have one favorite long necklace. And actually 5 scarves hanging in my closet that just randomly fall to the floor and annoy me. I’ve never perfected the evil stare. Sighโ€ฆ I suppose I never will. But with accessories I find it all overwhelming and usually wear the same thing with every “outfit” (aka, the clothes I wear on the rare occasion I’m not wearing jeans and a tshirt).

  • I completely agree with the last one. EVERYone needs a killer glare. I have perfected mine to the point where my sister hides her face in terror and calls it the “Eye of Sauron.”

    I think you either inherently have it, or you don’t, though. If you have BRF (bitchy resting face) you’re already halfway there. If you don’t, then you’ll never have the “look of death”

  • I don’t know how you do it, Michelle, how you can have all these different things come together under one theme, but you do it beautifully. And I’m horrible at accessories too. I pretty much have to have specific instructions on what to wear with what.

  • I don’t accessorize well.
    Hell, I have a hard time putting on “grown up” clothes. If it isn’t a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and flip flops…I’m probably not wearing it.

    Which is sad as I have multiple holes in my ears (thanks 80’s and 90’s piercing craze!) that pretty much slowly grow over until I get a wild hair to wear some of the cool/funky earrings I have bought over the years. Of course, these usually wind up making my ears sore, so I take them out and stuff them back into a drawer again.

    I should assemble all the jewelry I have bought over the years and take a pic of it. I can post it on my website and say that I am accessorizing my blog. Think that would work?

  • Accessorize?? What the hell is that?
    I try the scarves and end up feeling like I am choking and they are gone by noon. I can do the shoes…but not every day. Jewelry is standard for me… I have a handful of very nice (inherited) pieces that I wear daily. As far as clothes are concerned… I wish they made garanimals for adults… my life would be far less traumatic !

  • In college I decided I would buy some cheap earrings–not dangly ones, but ones with a single large jewel–and use them to decorate the lapel of a jacket I always wore. It would have been a cool slightly androgynous hip thing. And then I discovered that the pins that went through the ear hole were made of some plastic like thick fishing line. There was no way they’d stick through a lapel. Scrap that idea.

    Last summer at least I discovered the best part of chemo is bandanas, and my mother-in-law sewed me a bunch of fantastic do-rags. It was fun trying to match them to what I was wearing–or just saying, “Fuck it–I feel like wearing the one with a bunch of eyeballs today.” For five months I was great at accessorizing. It almost makes me miss chemo.

  • I tried accessories, but I always look like a kid playing dress-up – badly. I have one simple necklace I wear all the time. And the glare. I’m told I have a lethal glare.

  • I’m an accessory whore, LOL! I hate to buy clothes, the fat girl stores are so boring…but I can punch up any piece of crappy clothing with funky jewelry, shoes, scarves, hats and purses (oh yes I have more than one person should be allowed)….see an accessory whore! I wear very little makeup, just scrunch my hair – no styling, but I wear enough jewelry to make the queen jealous and the purses are changed out daily. It’s exhausting to get ready for work every day, but I wouldn’t give up my Charming Charlies account for anything in the world!!!!!!!

  • I am a shop-a-holic when it comes to clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. but you’re right. I have shoes I’ve never worn and accessories, including scarves, that have yet to see the outside of my home and are kept locked away in accessory prison. I’m always thinking that at least I COULD wear them if I wanted to or needed to and so I’d better get them “just in case”. Because you never know if the day might come when you wear a certain outfit and the ONLY thing that would work would be that flowered scarf that’s been sitting in a drawer for five years (or more). Hey, it could happen! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Your comment about the braided scarf appearing as if your head is being molested by a do-rag, cracked me up. I had to stop reading for a minute before I could move on! Love the image that created in my brain and it’s so TRUE! I can never seem to duplicate so many of the things they display on Pinterest, even with detailed instructions provided. Am I hopeless? Maybe so! And thank you to Stacy for motivating me to look up “Charming Charlie” and giving me yet ANOTHER avenue for money-blowing! Haha!
    And while I’m definitely not a “baby”, I somehow must have missed out on the stickpin craze. I remember the “button” craze, when you’d plaster your jacket or hat with every band and saying the fabric could realistically hold while remaining wearable. Is that the same thing??

  • Oh, yes I love your list of must have accessories! Fantastic. The glare, is a must for many occasions. I’m one to just buy shit when the mood strikes, it’s on sale or it fits ‘pretty good’. I’m not disciplined enough for a capsule or basic wardrobe. I love scarves in the winter and less in summer. I love costume/tacky jewelry.

  • I had a really bad day and you made me laugh on the way home. Thank you! I also realised I have beautiful jewellery with birds and flowers and kittens, and a killer manner. The killer manner isn’t such a hit with my team….

  • I loved your accessories list and I loved reading the responses.
    I am lousy at nice accessories and consequently pretend they don’t exist.
    I also can’t glare to save my soul because I start to laugh.
    Oh..wait…I do wear a small thin gold nose ring which I had pierced in 1975, and when it became a fad, I was pissed off. ๐Ÿ™‚
    It is oval, crooked, 40 years old, and a little beat up, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it because it earned its rightful place beside my gray hair.
    I and people who love me don’t even see it anymore, but it still makes me feel slightly radical.

  • Candy necklace – 2 fun e.

    Forgot all about stick pins; I had one, little gold monogram thingy for the “blazer” lapel. Probably shoulder pads in that “blazer” too. Thanks for the funny memory.

    P.S. “lapel” looks odd written out. Not to mention “blazer”. Hence the “”.

  • Even though I once made my living making jewelry, I never really wanted to wear any. I used to have a bullet on a chain around my neck… I got hit by the bullet, but not when it was fired out of the gun; we were riding our dirt bikes through a place that used to be a shooting range and the bike in front of me kicked it up so it landed in my lap. It looked like a .45.
    I bought Briana an Echo scarf for Christmas long, long ago, and she really liked it. $40 seemed like a lot for a scarf in 1985, but I wanted her to have it because it was beautiful.
    I always looked at the death stare as more of a tool than an accessory…

  • Damn… I thought you were gonna explain the great handbag mystery to me… To match or not to match? … And wtf is the difference between a tote and a hobo?

  • I had cancer, too. When I was bald my MIL and others gave me and knitted me all sorts of beautiful hats and scarves but I was too hot!! Couldn’t even pull off that accessory. Plus, I found being bald sort of liberatingโ˜บ๏ธ

  • Has no one gone through menopause? Scarves are invaluable for the constant swing of hot flashes/cold freeze from fall through spring. I don’t even bother with a coat. Just tie the scarf around my purse when hot.

    • I am in the throes of menopause right now. I don’t get cold though, I’m just always fucking hot. I usually don’t get my heavy Winter coat out until January and I still only wear it on those single digit days.

  • Ha ha!! No accessories here other than my engagement and wedding rings. I have a 7 week old baby who grabs everything…even the skin on my neck. Ow! What’s an accessory again? (Love this post!)

  • Who is rocking accessories? No one I know is good at them except my one friend who is always chic, always knows what to wear, and always looks good, Has never gained weight either. Your basic Audrey Hepburn friend.

    We all have one of those friends, which is surprising. You’d think us unaccessorized ones would have offed them by now. And worn their teeth around our necks. But then, that sort of necklace eats the candy one, leaving a soggy string around your neck.

    The best accessories are a cheerful smile and a loving heart. Yeah, right. It’s really a great pair of yoga pants, and enough of a choice in tops to get away with wearing them every single damn day.

    You have to be a substitute teacher for awhile to develop a killer glare. I don’t put that much energy into it; it’s more of a cold, glassy-eyed look, the look of a zombie sub that may do anything at any moment….

  • My teenage daughter accessorizes me. I am hopeless without her. I like funky, eclectic stuff, but I’m hopeless when it comes to actually putting it together. My daughter has known what was “in” since she was 8. No idea where that gene came from.
    Anyway, she picks out all of my jewelry and shoes and has told me to leave the scarves alone since even though it all starts out okay, by the end of the day I have tried re-tying it so many times I look like I’m trying to take myself hostage.
    Of course, one time, this happened: http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2013/10/gifts.html
    so she’s had to learn to let me know when she buys me something that she never intended me to actually wear

  • Loved this!
    Because I’m not really great at accessorizing either, I thought I’d double check – #3 – the stockings with the seam are not typically paired with flip flops, right?

  • Hilarious! I thought a foundation wardrobe meant your underwear. And I do like necklaces, although some are weird, or cheap – still like ’em. I’ve got 5 scarves. All folded nicely in the bottom drawer. (Marianne’s comment? so funny!) Stockings with seams? Are you fucking kidding me? So my chubby legs look like two-lane roads? Next time you’re going down stairs, stop on the last step. Survey the land from the safety of your pseudo-platforms (handrail!), then step down to terra firma while your ankles whisper “thank you”. I happen to carry the RBF gene, a known precursor to the glare-that-wilts-nature which I employ regularly. Just ask my kids. Last week my eldest was visiting and referenced it as the look that used to make them eat cooked spinach. The glare is the ONLY power accessory a gal needs. (Do you ever fantasize about creating a women’s magazine? I mean a real one, not the crap’n fluff bullshit that’s out there. Makes me think of that line in the old Monty Python show: “And now for something completely different.”) Also, would they let you on an airplane with a stickpin?

  • I love accessories. I buy them simply because they are for sale. How many of them I actually use is a completely different story. I don’t have any of those seamed stockings but I’m thinking I might have to go get a pair today because I need some shit done around the house.

    I have the glare down pat. I’m pretty sure I was born with it.

By Michelle

Michelle

RSIH in your inbox



Categories