I don’t know shit about accessorizing. The last accessory I understood were stickpins. If you don’t remember stickpins, then you are a baby.
I am mostly confused by accessories. I mean, I know they are important. I’ve seen the headlines:
The one accessory you need to get that job and attain sainthood!
Wearing this accessory after age fifty will cause your boobs to sag!
What accessory faux pas is causing women’s hair to catch fire?
I am terrible at accessorizing. I don’t get it. I mean, I know we have a foundation first and then when we sprinkle the foundation with smartly chosen accessories, we turn that foundation from ‘semi-formal business casual’ to ‘Hoity Toity dinner party chic’. Or some shit.
I don’t even get the whole ‘foundation’ wardrobe. I just buy shit. Sometimes, I buy shit because it’s on sale. Sometimes, I buy shit because I think it looks pretty. And sometimes, I buy shit because my ass expanded and my jeans are crying for mercy.
Kind of excited, because right now, I’m going in the other direction and my jeans are starting to sag.
Regardless of the size I’ll be buying next at the fat girl shop, I still won’t know how to accessorize. I’d ask the mannequins because they seem to know what they are doing, but those bitches are stuck up.
I did promise to tell you the 5 accessories you must have now, though, didn’t I?
Here they are:
- 5 scarves. I am counting all five scarves as one thing. First of all, you will buy five scarves, but three of them will never be worn. One scarve will be worn once. The other 3 times. You will decide scarves are a goddamn pain in the ass and forever be draped across the mirror of your make up table. You will attempt to braid one of the scarves into your hair because Pinterest told you it is a good idea. However, the end result will be that your head looks like it’s getting molested by a doo-rag.
- One necklace that goes with everything. A timeless piece. The necklace does not have to be expensive, it just has to be appropriate for every occasion. You can wear a necklace to visit your son’s probation officer or to your father’s retirement party. I suggest a candy necklace because the best snacks are ones you can carry right next to your face.
- Stockings with the seam up the back. You should never wear those stockings in public. Unless you’re at a Halloween party and the stockings are part of your slutty auditor/public defender/toll booth operator costume. You need these stockings. If you wear these stockings around the house (without making any mention of why you are wearing them), you can then get your husband to do anything for you.
- Hippy Dippy platform shoes. Great big huge 1972 looking platforms. You need these as a constant reminder that you are human and, by very nature of being human, somewhat frail. The platforms serve as the reminder that sometimes accessories are adorable and make your eyes just pop, and other times they are trying to kill you. Or at the very least, trying to break your leg.
- A killer glare. We all have to develop that killer glare. That glare that can make even the most belligerent of teenager stop in his tracks. The glare that motivates your husband to take out the trash and then offer to watch a Meg Ryan movie marathon. You need a glare that makes your boss avoid you for a day or two and make the door-to-door douche twizzle salesman slowly back down the stairs and run away. I’m still working on mine. So far, I intimidate toddlers. Not all toddlers. Some toddlers. Okay, it was that one toddler that one time and the kid was possibly crying because a clown was looking over my shoulder.
Obviously, I am failing at accessories. Although, I have bought a few necklaces from groupon lately that I am fond of. So far, they haven’t turned my neck green or anything.
So, tell me, are you good at accessorizing? If not….let me know, I don’t want to be the only accessory loser.