Before Rubber Shoes In Hell, I had another blog. Randy saved all my old articles and I found this one. I decided to update it because it is not horrible and actually made me laugh a few times.
I was at my last job when I wrote this. In case anyone from my new job reads this, then remember, this was written when I had my old job. I love cubicles now. haha.
I contributed to the lottery pool at my old job. Not because I thought we would win, but on the outside chance that we did, no way was I going to be left out. If dozens of people, I mostly didn’t like, became wealthy while I had to stay in my cubicle, then I would be in a bad mood for the rest of my life.
Every time I’ve been in an office lottery pool, at least one person says “If we win, I’m still coming to work. I’d be bored if I couldn’t come to work.”
What the actual fuck?
In case you are one of those people who can’t think of anything better to do with millions of dollars other than getting up early in the morning and having other people tell you what to do…here you go…50 things that are better than sitting in a cubicle.
- Take up knitting. By “take up knitting” I mean “sleep in every goddamn morning”.
- Reading. It doesn’t even matter what you read. Read the back of your shampoo bottle. Still better than a cubicle.
- Peeing. Sure, that doesn’t take all day, but still..better than sitting under fake lighting and counting the days until you get the cubicle with the window.
- Become a stealth “bedazzler”. Steal the neighbors sheets when they hang them on their clothes line and bedazzle curse words all over them before hanging them back up. Shut up. Some people still hang their laundry outside.
- Learn to curse in 8 different languages. That way, when you teach your grandkids how to curse, their parents won’t know they are curse words and then you won’t get into trouble. Teaching your grandkids how to curse is way better than a cubicle. Or so I have heard. I wouldn’t do that.
- Color code your granny panties.
- Plan that trip that you’ve always wanted to take but never believed you could actually take. Great Wall of China? Great Barrier Reef? Opryland? Who knows? It’s your fucking trip, not mine.
- Watch Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones or Parks and Recreation. Sure, TV rots your head, but so does cubicle dwelling. Also, Ron Swanson is the shit. And Hodor will make you cry. Unless you have no soul, then maybe not.
- Buy a field guide book for birds in your area. Learn to identify them by their calls. Then you’ll have something to talk about with my husband because he has actually done this. Seriously, come and talk to my husband about the birds.
- Weed your garden. Until you see a snake. Then fuck the garden. This is a case where I’d rather be in my cube. If it was a choice between my cubicle and snakes.
- Debunk urban legends. Or make up new urban legends. Or make up new urban legends and then debunk them. Which should be really easy because all you would have to do is say “I just made that up”.
- Take up painting. You could be the next Van Gogh. Just don’t chop off any body parts.
- Spin in circles until you get dizzy and fall down. 20 zillion children can’t be wrong.
- Go shopping and speak in an accent. Doesn’t matter what the accent is. You can even make one up. Bonus points if you go to your local establishments where they already know you.
- Unravel some mysteries of life. Like why is the conditioner in drugstore hair dye better than all the other conditioners?
- Volunteer. Build houses, teach kids, comfort crack babies. Whatever will make you feel like you’ve helped someone else.
- Visit your relatives. Would it kill you to call your mother?
- Write songs. You know what we have a lack of? Christmas in July carols. Like Here Comes Sauna Claus, Little Summer Boy, or I’m Dreaming Of A Back To School Sale.
- Organize your photos. I honestly think it would take me a year to do this.
- Organize your junk drawers. Would also take a year.
- Clean out your basement and garage. Would take the rest of my years.
- Get a pap smear. Doesn’t last as long, you get to look at pretty pictures on the ceiling while laying down.
- Update Wiki pages about 12th century dildos. Also, don’t google “12th century dildos”. Trust me.
- Use your time and money to further the science of time travel. Let me know when you get that figured out. I’ll need to borrow your invention.
- Start a neighborhood watch. By “neighborhood watch” I mean “watch your neighbors”. Seriously, peek out from behind your curtains long enough and you’ll see some freaky shit. Especially that one house that does the elaborate Halloween decorations and always invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in when they come knocking.
- Learn your local history. Keep it broad. Don’t learn the history of that creepy old guy down the street. The one in the dirty t-shirt that stands on his porch and glares. No one should ever learn about him. Also, he wants you to stay away from his lawn.
- Meet your neighbors. Unless I am your neighbor, then stay home.
- Take up cooking. I accidentally typed cookie instead of cooking. I don’t need Sigmund to figure that one out.
- Master the art of tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue.
- Force your children to watch all the John Hughes movies with you. Extra points if you can make them gag while you swoon over Jake Ryan.
- Decorate your entire driveway with sidewalk chalk.
- Learn to tap dance. I’m seriously thinking about doing this. Don’t judge.
- Travel. Go everywhere. Learn local customs, meet new people, try new foods. You aren’t going to grow culturally in your cubicle. Wiki will only take you so far.
- Learn to enjoy not doing much of anything.
- Make bubble baths a regular indulgence. 5 minute showers get really old after 25 years or so.
- Get involved in local politics. Or just stab yourself in the face with a shrimp fork.
- Do something that scares you. But not sky diving because fuck that.
- Buy house plants and then keep them from dying.
- Learn the art of Bonsai.
- Try reading poetry. Again. And try reading it without saying what the fuck? Also, no eye rolling.
- Try writing poetry. You don’t have to show it to anyone. But you can show it to me. I promise to not roll my eyes.
- Go back to school and learn something fun. For fuck’s sake, I do not want to know if your idea of fun is accounting.
- Read self help books. Then write parodies.
- Wander around old cemeteries. But try not to think about how you’re going to die one day while you are doing it. Even though you totally are.
- Learn to Watercolor.
- Learn how to fold fitted sheets. This is probably the most lame thing on the list and it’s still better than being in a cubicle.
- See how many days you can go without washing your hair. So far, my personal record is 4 days.
- Make Balloon animals. Other than snakes or eels or worms.
- Clean your baseboards. When you’re finished, clean my baseboards.
- Whatever you want to do! Fucking hell…anything is better than a cubicle. Except maybe the pap smear. That might have been stretching it a little. Hahahah. See what I did there?
I really don’t understand being so fucking bored that working in a depressing ass cubicle is better. My very most bored moments have been staring at the walls of my cubicle.
The next time I get into a lottery pool and someone asks me what I’m going to do with the money, I’m going to tell them I’m buying polar bears and replacing their front legs with mop handles so they can guard my house and clean my floors.
Photo courtesy of David Mark.