What do our days consist of?
Most days, for me at least, are a bunch inconsequential moments that are the byproduct of being human. They don’t mean much, they just are.
I am currently on my billionth attempt to get into shape. I’ve dropped sugar (and that is very nearly true!). I’m exercising on a regular basis and I’m drinking a shit ton of iced green tea. I don’t know if there is any truth to green tea helping weight loss, but I’m going to find out.
I made my first pitcher last week and I liked it. It wasn’t sweet and I like for my drinks to be sweet. I was pleased that I found an alternative.
I handed my glass to Randy for him to try it and he didn’t like it at all.
I suspect the rational conclusion would be..Oh, I like it and he doesn’t. People like different things.
I learned at a very young age from my narcissist father that my opinions and my likes and dislikes were not only wrong, but they were also shameful. If I didn’t like food he liked, that negated my worth as a human. I learned to eat things I didn’t like, to laugh at jokes that weren’t funny and that whatever my opinion was on anything was wrong. I suspect that other adult children of narcissists have the same issue.
So, Randy didn’t like the green tea. I was bummed. Not because he didn’t like it, but because I did and I was completely fucking WRONG about it. I shouldn’t drink it because even though I enjoyed it, it was obviously TERRIBLE.
When one thought like that weasels in, then an avalanche follows. My feelings are not allowed, they are not worthy and I should really be ashamed that I have them at all. So often, when I try to grasp a thought or feeling that is valid, it feels like I’m trying to grab a handful of smoke.
When someone asks my opinion on a controversial subject, I feel physically ill. Not only because I am afraid of being judged for my feelings, but very often because I have no idea how I feel about it. I’m relatively good at hiding that shit. I will offer an opinion (which may or may not be how I feel..I don’t always fucking know) and I will stand by my opinion…but it’s not without beating myself up some. Sometimes, the beating can last for hours. Days, even.
I would like to shed this destructive thinking. I would like to feel like I can SAFELY have an opinion. I will start by stating a few here:
I don’t CARE if Ben Affleck is the next Batman. I will probably see the movie and I suspect he will do a perfectly fine job. Besides, it’s just a fucking movie.
I think cherry Koolaid is the shit.
Not wearing white after Labor day is dumb. Also, calling something Winter white doesn’t change the color. It’s still white.
I still love listening to Falco.
I loathe board games. Especially Monopoly.
I read all the Twilight books and I liked them. I think the message is stupid and the relationship was creepy as fuck, but I still liked the books.
I don’t care about symbolism in books or movies. I just want to be entertained.
Alan Rickman is sexy.
I don’t think that people who need public assistance should have to submit to a drug test.
I don’t think that when there is a custody dispute that the mom is automatically the best parent.
I think bringing back big shoulder pads like we wore in the 80s is a bad idea.
I like my green tea.
I struggle in two ways. First, I am afraid of a STRONG differing opinion. If someone attacks an opinion of mine, my inner child shrieks and cries and is terrified. She is hard to ignore. Secondly, while I believe that being open to changing an opinion and listening to the thoughts of others is a good practice, it would be nice to not have my beliefs shaken by every person who doesn’t feel the same way I feel.
How do we learn to own our feelings and opinions? Because the fake it until I make hasn’t panned out yet.