Next week marks my 3 month anniversary at my new job. I celebrated this ‘almost milestone’ by sort of admitting to my boss that I recently fantasized about him getting hit by a bus.
Let me explain.
We have a regular weekly meeting to go over projects and progress. This morning before our meeting, as I reviewed a document where I’ve been keeping notes, I thought to myself you know, if I got hit by a bus, this would probably be helpful to whoever took my place.
Then I went to my boss’s office for our meeting and the following conversation took place as the boss was explaining one of his processes.
Boss: Well, if I got hit by a bus…
Me: Oh! I was just thinking that.
Boss: You were just thinking about me getting hit by a bus?
Me: That came out wrong.
Me: I was thinking about me getting hit by a bus.
Me: Now I’m kind of thinking about you getting hit by a bus.
Did I stop there? No! I did not give myself the name Amazing Graceless for nothing.
My new boss is very nice. I like him. Which is such a relief after living through the last seven years with the boss from hell. My old boss thrived on making people as uncomfortable as possible. My new boss seems to genuinely care if I’m happy in my job.
Boss: We’re coming up on 3 months. How do you feel about your job? Is it what you expected? Do you feel like I misrepresented anything? Are you pleased with your progress?
Over the course of 20 seconds, I had these thoughts:
Well, it was a big ball of suck at first because I was sick and I had to meet new people. Don’t say that, though. Don’t say it beats a sharp stick in the eye, either. Don’t mention that the traffic sucks or that your chair has a hole in it. Don’t say that it’s nicer to walk in to the building and see pool tables and spas than at my old job where I saw dead things. (multiple deer heads). Just answer the goddamn question, Michelle. Seriously. Answer the question and don’t be a dweeb.
Me: It doesn’t suck.
Boss: That’s good. I…guess.
Me: No, it’s good. Not sucking is good.
Stop talking, Michelle. This is where you cut your losses and stop talking. Or change the subject. Yes! Change the subject.
Me: How can you stand this office so hot? Seriously, it’s sweltering in here. I feel sweat running down the back of my head.
Yes! That is SO MUCH better!
Boss: Ha ha. I like it. I think it feels good in here.
Me: I’m melting. Are we done now?
Boss: Yep. That’s it. Thank you.
So yeah, I nailed that weekly meeting.
I’m off next Friday, so at least there will be two weeks for him to forget about today’s meeting. I’m sure the next meeting will be better. Maybe I will just randomly babble or perhaps my occasional stutter will make an appearance.
I often exhaust myself by being me.