Amazing Graceless Goes To Work

Next week marks my 3 month anniversary at my new job. I celebrated this ‘almost milestone’ by sort of admitting to my boss that I recently fantasized about him getting hit by a bus.

Let me explain.

We have a regular weekly meeting to go over projects and progress. This morning before our meeting, as I reviewed a document where I’ve been keeping notes, I thought to myself you know, if I got hit by a bus, this would probably be helpful to whoever took my place.

Then I went to my boss’s office for our meeting and the following conversation took place as the boss was explaining one of his processes.

Boss: Well, if I got hit by a bus…

Me: Oh! I was just thinking that.


Boss: You were just thinking about me getting hit by a bus?

Me: That came out wrong.

Me: I was thinking about me getting hit by a bus.

Me: Now I’m kind of thinking about you getting hit by a bus.

Did I stop there? No! I did not give myself the name Amazing Graceless for nothing.

My new boss is very nice. I like him. Which is such a relief after living through the last seven years with the boss from hell. My old boss thrived on making people as uncomfortable as possible. My new boss seems to genuinely care if I’m happy in my job.

Boss: We’re coming up on 3 months. How do you feel about your job? Is it what you expected? Do you feel like I misrepresented anything? Are you pleased with your progress?

Over the course of 20 seconds, I had these thoughts:

Well, it was a big ball of suck at first because I was sick and I had to meet new people. Don’t say that, though. Don’t say it beats a sharp stick in the eye, either. Don’t mention that the traffic sucks or that your chair has a hole in it. Don’t say that it’s nicer to walk in to the building and see pool tables and spas than at my old job where I saw dead things. (multiple deer heads). Just answer the goddamn question, Michelle. Seriously. Answer the question and don’t be a dweeb. 

Me: It doesn’t suck.

Boss: That’s good. I…guess.

Me: No, it’s good. Not sucking is good.

Stop talking, Michelle. This is where you cut your losses and stop talking. Or change the subject. Yes! Change the subject.

Me: How can you stand this office so hot? Seriously, it’s sweltering in here. I feel sweat running down the back of my head.

Yes! That is SO MUCH better!

Boss: Ha ha. I like it. I think it feels good in here.

Me: I’m melting. Are we done now?

Boss: Yep. That’s it. Thank you.

So yeah, I nailed that weekly meeting. 

I’m off next Friday, so at least there will be two weeks for him to forget about today’s meeting. I’m sure the next meeting will be better. Maybe I will just randomly babble or perhaps my occasional stutter will make an appearance.

I often exhaust myself by being me.


40 Thoughts.

  1. You should get a shitload of credit for being considerate enough to make things easier for your hypothetical replacement in the event you’re hypothetically hit by a hypothetical bus. That’s three hypothetical things, but keeping notes is something you’re really doing.

    Hopefully the odd nature of the conversation will cause your boss to remember that you’re working hard, although it never seems to work out that way. I had a geometry teacher who seemed to think that making jokes and odd references would help us remember what he was teaching. The result is I don’t remember diddly about geometry but I remember his favorite ice cream flavor was pralines and cream.

  2. Having just accepted a job offer yesterday I appreciate the tutorial on what not to say to your boss. Seriously, though, he probably appreciates the fact that you speak freely. Nobody likes a “yes man” except a “yes man”. He hired you for you- that says something! 🙂

  3. I am reading this at work because work is where I catch up on all of my internetting and I totally laughed out loud. You do crack me up and I am sure that you are just as fun and funny in person so your new people, including your boss, probably just love you.

  4. I have given myself the name Accidental Shit Storm Starter at work. I don’t know how I manage to stir things up but I sure do. And if we all had the gift of grace, that would make life so Boring. Stay amazing, Michelle! 🙂

  5. 3 months??? wow, where does the time go….
    just my two cents, but you should tell him about the whole in the chair….

    I remember once being at a job interview, and I was so nervous I started to flip through the guys in-box! I can’t believe I got that job.

  6. Does your boss like donuts? Chocolate? Flowers?

    Honestly, I think it would be quite acceptable to tell him you like coming to work more than you did at your old job. And it is also acceptable to request that you be put on the list for a new chair the next time they are ordering new chairs . . . by doing it that way, you call attention to the problem without asking for special treatment.

    Although I personally think you deserve special treatment. And an unholy chair.

  7. Ok I found this funny, just saying also if you are going to get hit by a bus it helps if your are blind drunk this I know as my brother in-law was hit by a bus while blind drunk and was more or less unhurt by it

  8. My new boss, when she came in about a year and a half ago, said that we needed a “hit by a bus” book, so that if anybody was, in fact, hit by a bus they weren’t the only one who knew how to perform their duties. We….kind of have one now. Or duties are less compartmentalized. Whichever.

  9. Wow, 3 months already?
    It makes me feel slightly better to know that there is another human being, just as incapable of speaking to people without planting their foot in it.

  10. Hahaha I have the same problem. I call it compulsive honesty. Really gets you into trouble sometimes. I blame Sesame Street forcing their morals on my tender young mind.

  11. Oh my goodness, you nailed exactly how I feel, when I’m faced with an important conversation with a more-or-less stranger (AND the inner dialogue that goes with it). Multiply x100 if it could be important for them to NOT think I’m a freak. I always blurt out stupid things and then think COULD YOU HAVE BEEN ANY MORE OF A WEIRDO RIGHT THEN? Then I say something to fix it, and that makes it…worse.

    I find that if I suddenly remember somewhere I have to be, and try to leave with banging into the door jam, that helps…


  12. If you want you could follow up with an email to him with a proper response to his questions. You are very good with writing and responding with a more detailed description of how you are happy with the move and feel much more comfortable than you did the first few days on the job might help your position with him. Answer his questions in a positive light. Then end with the only suggestion to help you be more productive would be to replace your very uncomfortable chair please, as it has a hole in it.

    Just a suggestion.

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