Amazing Graceless Strikes Again


I couldn’t sleep last night. I ended up taking an ambien at 2:00am and then getting up at the crack of dawn.

We’re supposed to get another big snow storm tomorrow. I may have already mentioned how much I hate the snow. I’m going to mention it again. Fuck snow in the face.

We decided to get our grocery shopping done a day early just in case we get snow and iced in.

So we went to our favorite grocery store around 5 hours after I had taken a sleeping pill. It was an interesting experience. I also could have laid down in the middle of an aisle and fallen asleep.

Randy got a deli number for me while I got olives. Then, he went off to get buy me some caffeine. As he walked away, the guy behind the deli counter was saying “I don’t know where he went. The guy I was waiting on just walked away”.

Of course, I assumed Randy had ordered. I didn’t bother looking at the number Randy had shoved into my hand. He was walking away, but still visible. So, I yelled for him. He turned around and I asked if he already ordered. He couldn’t hear me and and he was too far away for lip reading. He gave me one of those grumpy old man waves and kept going.

But what about our order? Fucking hell, the deli line was being held up. Randy was ruining everything.

Me to the deli guy: What did the guy who walked away order?

Deli guy: Turkey

Me: Oh. That’s not mine then.

Me looking around: Well, it sounds like something my husband would do.

I looked at my number then. There were still 3 people in front of me.

Please remember before reading the next part that I was under the influence of a sleeping pill. I will admit in the past, that I have lived up to my superhero name ‘Amazing Graceless‘ without pharmaceutical help, but this time I can blame the Ambien. A little.

My number was called and I placed my order for ham and cheese.

Deli guy: Do you want paper between the cheese?

Me, misunderstanding: Babies?

Deli guy: babies?

Me: Did you just ask me about babies?

Deli guy: Do you want paper between the cheese?

Me: Ohhh…paper. Yes. I would like paper between the cheese. That makes more sense than babies. I mean, how could you even stock that many babies?

One time, many years ago, I was riding public transportation when a woman wearing a bathing suit, corduroy pants, and was clutching what appeared to be Tinker Toys got on the bus. She was muttering to herself.

After my exchange with the deli guy, I looked around and the people on both sides of me were looking at me the way I looked at that woman on the bus.

I’ve become the crazy woman on the bus wearing a bathing suit with corduroy pants.

I still haven’t slept. We’re going to my mother’s house today to celebrate my birthday. This should be interesting.

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    • It was lovely. So far, just rain, probably ice as well, I haven’t ventured out yet The snow is still coming later. sigh.

  • This should be in the literature, where it says “don’t take unless you have at least 8 hours to sleep” we’ll add, “or you may find yourself ordering a baby sandwich.”

  • Roflmao…your birthday celebration should definitely be worthy of a blog post. Our you may end up asleep in a chair, like I did one Christmas after doing a “while you were out” redo on my son’s room for his gift. I hadn’t slept in 3 days. I don’t really remember that Christmas…

    So here’s to your birthday being great, and to you remembering the great parts and sleeping through the rest!

  • Corduroy Baby Sandwich, best band name since Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggets (Yes that’s an actual band, no I don’t know what they sound like). Glad your b-day week is going well, hope the weather stays on the sane side of catastrophic.
    Also, ambien-shmambien; sleep deprivation will make you crazy enough to rock corduroy and a bathing suit like nobody’s business.

  • You had me at “fuck snow in the face” hahahahah You’re hysterical. Me Likey. Oh and the misunderstanding at the deli….I genuinely laughed out loud. I always misunderstand people and make a total ass of myself. One time someone asked me something at a furniture store and I thought he said, “futon batteries with cilantro”.
    Great to meet you via Aussa’s blog. You rock my world.

    • I LOVE Aussa’s blog. And I am so glad you found mine. 🙂

      Futon batteries with cilantro. THAT is awesome. I’m picturing a vibrating futon that smells fabulous.

  • Oh girl. I do stuff like this all the time, even without any meds to blame…but this makes me want to take some Nyquil and go shopping with Shane!

    I just had an awkward episode yesterday myself…

    • It was funny. I’ve been going to this same grocery every weekend for 6 years and I think this is the first time I’ve said something that awkward. Kind of impressive when you think about it. 6 whole years.

  • I’m with Beth:

    “You had me at “fuck snow in the face”

    And “babies”

    Still rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!

    Thank you!

By Michelle


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