I don’t think it’s really STEALING a title if you give Monty Python full credit, right?
First off, I want to say that OF COURSE I’ve had a few fits in my life. We’ve all melted down from time to time, right? Under the right circumstances those meltdowns might be downright impressive.
When I say I had a meltdown, I mean the motherfucking king of all tantrums.
I had a tantrum that was SO bad, my two year old granddaughter would look at me and say “What the actual fuck, Gaga”?
My prior meltdowns were what you would expect of any run of the mill, slightly bitchy woman.
I don’t even remember my mother telling stories about childhood tantrums.
I fucking made up for that shit in spades.
Before I tell you the shit I said, keep a few things in mind. I’m pretty sure that I’m walking into the wispy outskirts of menopause AND I was really really tired.
We had just returned from a wonderful weekend where we visited friends in Tennessee. Do yourself a favor, visit The Madisons site. You’ll be glad you did. I had hiked a mountain. There were late nights and alcohol involved. I was exhausted when we got home that Sunday evening and I did NOT want to go back to work the next morning.
While we were gone, my baby boy broke his cell phone. I told him when I got him a cell phone that if he broke it or lost it, I would NOT get him a new one.
Apparently, I was mistaken.
We went to the phone store when I got home from work and as we were looking at phones, I thought..why the fuck is he getting a new phone? He can have MY old phone and I will get a new phone.
I was digging this plan.
I fucking HATE the phone store. I was REALLY glad I didn’t have to sign in first. I hate waiting there because ALL fucking phone store transactions take a minimum of 30 minutes. We got to walk right up to the counter, so it started out good. I told the phone girl, Charli, that I would just take an upgrade to my current phone.
They were out of them.
In it’s place, I would get an EVEN BETTER PHONE.
Me: “Is it the same”?
Charli: “Yes…yes..it’s faster, but it’s the same”.
So, I took my upgraded phone home where I found I had traded my Android phone for a Windows phone.
Are these things the same?
NO. THEY. ARE. FUCKING. NOT.
Did I figure this out right away? No..I found out after spending a motherfucking hour trying to download shit from the Google store to my new ‘not the fucking same Windows’ phone.
And then I threw a fit.
I’m not going to try to describe the fit, I couldn’t possibly piece that shit together. Instead, I will just share actual quotes and you can put it together yourself.
Here they are..actual things I said Monday evening:
“I HATE this phone. This phone is DUMB”.
“Joey, get my Scramble game on this phone or I will kill you”.
“I CAN”T FIND ANY CLEAN UNDERWEAR”.
“No. I can ‘t wear those jeans. The fly is fucked up”.
“NO. I HATE those jeans. Those jeans are dumb”.
“I can ‘t wear that shirt, there is a hole in it”.
“NO! Don’t fucking throw it away, I’m gonna SEW it”.
“My purse isn’t up here and I need my Xanax”.
“How can I open my pill bottle with this PUDDING IN MY HAND”?
“This pudding tastes like snot”.
“I’m 50 years old and I’ve ruined my life”.
“I hope you get used to this shit, because I’m going to be acting like this for the NEXT TEN YEARS”.
“I can’t afford to put Joey through college. I’ve ruined MY life and HIS life”.
“I’m going to have to write code until I AM 80 YEARS OLD”.
Then, in a Xanax induced haze, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, I explained my swollen face away as seasonal allergies and, after work, I went to the phone store and quickly and painlessly exchanged that stupid, fucking Windows phone for a new Android.
I love my new phone.
I told Randy, that evening, that I thought the low point was when I said the pudding tasted like snot. He said no. The low point was when I actually jumped up and down and stomped my feet….Twice. He said it was cute and that he got to see how I looked when I was 4 years old.
Help me out, my sisters who have gone through menopause already. This shit isn’t a usual occurrence, right? They are few and far between, RIGHT?
I’m beginning to think that the menopause goddess is none to happy about my menopause jokes.
Maybe I should be taking this shit a little more seriously.
On the other hand, MAYBE it can kiss my ass.
Rumor has it it’s different for every woman. Have fun.
I had migraines, night sweats, and one monstrous permanent bitch on. No, the chainsaw happened before ‘the change’. 😐
fucking hell..I’d rather have tantrums than night sweats
In light of the very few hot flashes I had, I consider the night sweats a glorious blessing.
When I was breastfeeding my daughter (not while she was attached, just during that time) I decided that a GRAND idea was to switch from DirectTv to Cable because DTV had started mutilating our wallet like HBO mutilates every show that hits its sixth season. Anyway, the cable guy could not possibly have been worse. He was, of course, 2 hours late, he had the MUDDIEST boots on the planet, would not remove them, and tracked G-d knows what over everything, and he was super duper clueless about what the fuck he was supposed to have and to do.
I fucking lost my shit. I ordered him out of the house, I screamed about my rug, I called every single person I could at the cable company I could to scream at. I then proceeded to spill freshly pumped milk over the rug where the mud was, so really really angry mud milk….After all of that, I just cried on the phone to DTV begging them to lower my bill and to make the bad man stop.
That. Is. The. Best. Thing. EVER!!!
You had breastmilk mud puddles. That’s the best thing ever and totally worthy of a tantrum…
I am certainly not qualified to comment on menopause. I am, however, a board-certified nerd with a degree in psychology (I’m pretty sure that at least one part of that statement is true). That being said, I will go on record defending your tantrum. Is it possible that your particular tantrum was augmented by menopause? Who really knows? Because that’s the way you’re SUPPOSED to react to either; a salesman giving you incomplete information on the a product or a windows phone under any circumstances.
HAHAH..Thank you, Sal. I appreciate the validation, especially from someone with your impressive yet possibly questionable credentials.
And yes,that fucking windows phone would make anyone melt down.