Remember a few blog posts ago when I told you guys that my prescription medication was poisoning me?
Well, I went back to the doctor and even though he lowered my dose, I actually got worse. So, the doc lowered my dose again, and I go back in 6 weeks to see if I’m improving.
This has been a rough summer, y’all.
Hyperthyroidism is an asshole. I’m already goddamn anxious. Having that anxiety magnified is seriously trying my strength. I have very little control over my own thoughts and all of my thoughts are dicks who don’t wait their turn to speak. They are all yelling at once. My skin is drying out and I think I’m losing some hair.
I can take the dry skin and a little less hair, but the anxiety and racing thoughts have got to go.
I have had this fantasy for a few years now. When Joey graduates high school, we’ll sell this house, buy something tiny with a tiny yard and shed ourselves of most of the shit we own. Then maybe, if we simplify and cut our expenses, I could think about making some changes for myself that are years in coming.
Joey started his senior year last week.
We are in no obligation to sell our house in 10 months. There is no reason to stress over this. But I am.
We have to get those dead trees cut down. And what about the front door. For fuck’s sake the central air has to be replaced. We probably need a new roof. That furnace is gonna go, too. You know it is. Then there is painting. Probably should have an exorcism for Joey’s room.
I can’t stop. Not only can I not stop obsessing, I am doing zero of the things that need to be done to get the house ready for sale.
Also, since I am super anxious and working hard at tearing myself down, I have all kinds of insecurities about my job.
Obviously, I couldn’t have picked a better time to write about my fucked up childhood.
What a weird, weird place to be.
Writing about long ago shit is fucking hard. I find myself remembering events and people that are hard to think about. It’s definitely hard to write about. I have to think writing about this at any time would be difficult, but now? It’s surreal.
It’s not all difficult, though. I have been finding myself fascinated by my own memories. Even stories that have never been far away are different when I pause to really think about them.
I named this blog post after a song by Kathy Young and the Innocents. A Thousand Stars. I have had this song stuck in my head for days.
When I was a kid, I had a friend named Janet. Her family lived two doors down from us and had less money than we did. Her parents smoked weed all day and listened to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. Janet liked her parent’s older music and they didn’t mind if we borrowed their albums. We spent hours in her bedroom listening to Kathy Young, Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, and the Shangri-las. Kathy Young is winning out right now. I can’t stop singing that song in my head.
On the plus side, I am kicking ass on this book.
I don’t know if it will ever be read by anyone but me and Randy. At this point I don’t care, I want to finish it.
That was a lie. I care. A little.
I am hoping that over the next few weeks, my medicine evens out and I can go back to my nice cozy normal level of anxiety.
By the way, I am over on The Sisterwives this week talking about one of the things women need as we continue to find our power.
I absolutely can’t wait to read your book. Maybe your current anxious thoughts are the last of your toxic childhood coming out of you and you’ll find yourself at peace when you finish your book. I’ve never been able to suppress my thoughts when they turn against me so my heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much! We’ll see. I know that writing about narcissistic personality disorder on this blog has helped me tremendously.
oh man that just sucks! I really hope you start feeling a little more mellow soon. Having thoughts running around like rabbits in your head is exhausting. Hang in there and think of happy things (and not house things) ~ Leanne
Thank you so much! Yeah..just evening out a LITTLE would make a world of difference.
I’ve known two women who had to be treated for Hyperthyroidism. One – a co-worker – had to go through the treatment twice. The other one is my mom – after years of being Hypo, she suddenly went Hyper. Both women felt horrible while taking the medication to correct the problem.
It’s a fucking nightmare. I really hope that when I go back in five weeks that I’m back to normal.
we’d been having trouble with the electricity upstairs in our house since….last year? We finally had the electrician in on Monday…..and Tuesday. Because getting consistent juice to those fixtures/outlets was that much of a quagmire. He had to cut holes in our (finished) attic floor to get to the wires beneath. And then he mostly fixed the floor. For some reason, his mostly fixing the floor almost made me happier than being able to flip the switch and just have light, not guess about whether I’d have light.
I don’t know what the point of my story is. Home ownership kinda sucks? Getting stuff done sucks, even if it’s better later? I really really don’t blame you for putting off home repairs?
Yeah…this is my first house. I’ve rented my entire life. I am not a HUGE fan of home ownership. Renting is way easier.
renting was cheaper too. I know, I know, people are all “be your own landlord! Pay yourself!” and it’s like “I already had to replace my water heater, have trees taken down, have plumbers plumb the depths, and now the electrician. Being my own landlord SUCKS.”
yeah, I could see us going back to renting. More flexibility there. I need a house though. Even a tiny one. I loathe sharing walls with strangers. Even worse, ceilings and floors. gah.
Deepest sympathy on hyper-T symptoms…
You’d think after 26 yrs of synthetic replacement, I’d recognize my own symptoms of anxiety coupled w/recurrent cycles of denervating fatigue & INSOMNIA – but ha ha ha, I was just blaming my personal life!!!
So yep, I was hyper so endocrinologist just reduced my Synthroid dosage a smidge – I feel better but probs haven’t completely resolved – guess what, personal life still in turmoil!!??!! Hang in there hon!
THANK YOU for this. It’s good to know I’m not alone and you know what I’m talking about. I have been on this medication for 28 years and have NEVER had an issue until now. It sucks ass.
On the other hand, I got all the shit fixed to sell the house, but I’m not writing a damn thing. Together we’re bringing balance to the universe. Namaste, baby.
Yes! We’re kind of awesome, aren’t we??
You’re big time busy… Surely that’s both good and bad for your anxiety…
And hey, while you’re obsessing about the house, Joey’s off the hook about colleges and a career
I don’t worry about Joey too much…he’s got a pretty good head on his shoulders. 🙂
Most importantly I’m really looking forward to your book. And I might have mentioned I work in a library so I’ll be buying a copy for myself and the library will be buying a copy too because I have that kind of power.
What’s second most important is I hope you finally get on a good drug regimen. It would be nice if you could go on a book tour. Sure that would produce anxieties of its own, but Randy could work on the house while you’re gone and surprise you on your return.
Thank you! Yes, a book tour would be great and I don’t think that would freak me out too too much. I guess I should finish the book first. You know..and get it published. haha.
Sorry to hear the meds aren’t quite right yet, I really thought you were cruising along now at a more comfortable speed. STILL! I’m very impressed with all that you do despite the anxiety roller coaster – and that you keep on doing. I lived in a 125+ year old house in Maine that needed everything redone/repaired, except the front door. Now I rent a small apartment. Funny how those “my house is falling apart and we don’t have enough money” worries get replaced with, oh, a hundred others. It feels like the inside of my head is a 19th century factory: the relentless noise, the huge, heavy clunky machinery gobbling all the space, giant gears spinning, the steam, the coal, the soot, the child labour, angry hollering foremen, the redundancy! … and I am every employee plus the owner. Production is fair, but the product is crap.
(Happy to know you are churning out that book. Woo-hoo!!)
OMG…your brain and my brain should go bowling together. haha.
I’m sorry, Sweetie…
5 weeks sounds like an eternity when you are feeling so awful. I’m very impressed that you manage to keep it all together–your job, your relationships, the blog, and your continuing work on the book. It’s probably hard for you to see that you are coping incredibly well, since your thoughts reside in the mind from hell—the mind that refuses to let itself rest and is bordering on sociopathic . If you could see yourself from afar, as others do, you’d be super impressed and would be thinking “I wish I could cope as well as that women does with this fucking hyperthyroidism!” xo
Thank you so much. Because I don’t feel like I’m coping. I feel like I am just ALWAYS powering through and that’s goddamn exhausting. But I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel…I just can’t see it yet.
Keep writing! I can’t wait to read your book!
Thank you! I will! I’m getting there. Close to a third done (unedited)
I will buy your book and read it and laugh out loud so other people ask about it and want to read it too.
And your Back Off piece is brilliant, as are the comments, if a little sad that we’re still saying that.
Thank you SO SO MUCH! I appreciate it and it’s comments like these that really help me keep going. They counteract the dick voice in my head. haha.
Imma read your book and you CANNOT stop me.
Seriously…chin up girlfriend. Look at like this: Maybe digging these things up is an opportunity to whomp them upside the head with the shovel. Like zombies.
THank you! And yes…while it IS hard, it’s also kind of helpful.
Hope your current dosage works out! My aunt also has hypothyroidism and I know it really sucks!! Congrats on getting the book ready though!
I hope it does too! And thank you!
I’m on vacation this week, so my brain is super sluggish. Why don’t you send some of your racing thoughts to me, so I can come up with some new ideas for a blog post? It will give you a rest, and give me a boost! Seriously, best of luck getting things evened out. This too shall pass.
This too shall pass….one of my FAVORITE go to comfort thoughts.
I wish I could send them too you..I would gladly offload them.
Oh man, I am pulling for you. As you wrote above – this too shall pass. May it pass QUICKLY. Here’s a little delight that will hopefully bring on a smile. When I was away recently I asked a pal to please water my flowers. The one in the pots. He did. He also did lots of other things such as fix the gate, edge the lawn etc. He used a weed eater jobby for the lawn and had to plug it in. Found an outside outlet. Got sparks. Found another – got nothing. Well I know how to make these puppies work. You have to jiggy jiggy the cord. Anywho, he didn’t know and proceeded to plug the cord into the new neighbor’s house. Uh huh. Have yet to meet these folks and they probably think my “husband” is rather presumptuous. Didn’t knock, just plugged. Lord. Think a pop over with wine is good enough?
HAHAH…yeah…I think that will do the trick. 🙂
Damn, Michelle, I was hoping that you’d be feeling better by now. Hope it happens real soon. It’s funny how behavior rises and falls to meet the perceived workload; until you hit the “fuck it” point and have to institute some changes, or those changes catch up to you from the outside and then there they are and what are you gonna do with them?
But the Shangri-las? Neko Case covered their song “The Train From Kansas City” on her live album (The Tigers Have Spoken) and the vocal harmonies between her, Kelly Hogan, and Carolyn Mark are to die for…
I will be looking that song up when I get home today. 🙂
I was hoping to be better as well…hopefully this new dose will do the trick.
I have hypothyroidism and take Synthroid which (fingers crossed) has been working well. I understand about anxiety. I hardly take any caffeine because of it. Writing in a journal helps. But sounds like you’re writing all the time anyway. Oh, and music also helps. Try everything. You’ll figure out what works.
I constantly listen to music! It does help.
I’ve been fine for 28 years on this medicine. First time I’ve had issues. If you find your anxiety is ramping up at all, you should definitely talk to your doc about monitoring your dose.
Dang girl. I’m sorry things have been so rough. Prepping the house for a move is a bitch, we went through it all just last month. It’ll be so worth it to get where you want to be in the long run, and I hope your meds even out too!
Thank you! I think we will start working on it more once the weather cools down. By then, my meds should be evened out as well. Here’s to hoping.
Oh, I’ll be reading your book. You can count on that. I’m sorry things have been so crazy for you and I hope things start to even out soon. I have to admit, the thought of moving and downsizing is such a lovely thought. I may get to do it one day. In about a million years.
Thank you, gorgeous!
I totally get where you are coming from in regards to the anxiety about the house. When my husband left and we talked to a realtor (and learned the sad truth about the housing market in our area), we kind of decided that I would live at the house for 5 years or so, which is when the realtor predicted we could sell and make enough so that we wouldn’t have to bring money to the table to pay off the rest of the mortgage. There are a gazillion and one things that need to be done before selling this house — from the tiny to the huge and expensive — and Doc is not at all motivated now to get any of them done now. After freaking out for months about how I was going to get everything done, when I would get it done, if I could afford to get it done, etc — I finally realized that I could just walk away. I could sign over any claim in the house to Doc, let him figure out how to fix everything and sell the house if he wants, and just move when my youngest graduates paramedic school this time next year. I thought that would solve my anxiety. Nope — now I’m freaking out about where I’m going to move, will I be able to find a new job, is it foolish for me to move just because I want to get away from Doc, can I afford to move to another state when it will take all of my savings, will my kids be ready to move into their own apartments, will my apartment be so small that I will never be able to have my kids and grandkids visit, etc, etc, etc. It is so fucking exhausting and emotionally draining. I hate it! And I’m not even dealing with the hormonal shit you’re going through and the medication nightmare. All I can do is to give you the advice I won’t even take myself — you’ve got time to deal with the house and the maintenance and getting things ready for sale. A year is a long time and there is nothing in stone saying you have to move the minute Joey moves out. Just take a breath, treat yourself kindly and focus on the important stuff (like writing that book). I know you know all this already (as do I) and I know it’s easier said than done — but let’s both try to relax a bit. Maybe we need to start a support group 🙂
Oh thank you Jana….I don’t know if I’ll obsess LESS about the house…but at least I am not alone. 🙂 xoxoxo
I’m looking forward to the book…granted my wife and exist at one of the stages of marriage that people who have forgotten what it’s like to broke get nostalgic about so I may need the “I knew you on twitter before” discount. That being said, I say this with no sarcasm; don’t let your self-awareness hurt you. You’re great at the first step (see what I did there?), it’s clearly how you can write about the good, the bad and the neurotic so beautifully (well that and a talent with words). Your anxious thoughts work as fuel for your writing because you are so clearly aware of the nature of those thoughts. I know that you can’t unfeel anxiety (unspecified, 311.00…really, I know) but you can at least be aware of the fact that instead of being paralyzed by your anxiety, as many of us can be, you’ve been inspired by it. More importantly, the inspiration you get is what you pass on through your writing…not the anxiety. I’m probably being a little poetic here but isn’t turning your pain into a thing of beauty which inspires others the verbatim job description of an artist? Keep worrying, it’s in your nature; just remember that it doesn’t have to hurt you.
You have put into words something I’ve been thinking about. Perhaps I am putting undue pressure on myself for trying to feel differently than how I feel and if I just let it happen and accept it, then it will cease to be as difficult to be such a worrier.
I spent 33 years trying to be a square peg in a world designed for all the other shapes; trying to pretend that I felt what I was “supposed” to and practicing the actions and reactions that I thought I needed to display. Then almost 2 months ago I found out that I’m autistic. I’m not broken but I’m not wired to be the same. Now I’m struggling to find out how I actually would have felt and acted in all those situations and I can’t tell sometimes. Let you be you until it’s going to hurt in some way but don’t ever try to lie to yourself or force different emotions because it will always cause damage in the end.
Thank you for this…this is something I’ve been struggling with and oddly enough…kind of touch on it on a post I wrote last night (forcing feelings or not accepting the feelings I have)
It’s hard when we dwell on what might have been. I’m trying to move forward
Hi, Michelle. Anxiety sucks, along with everything else. I went to my sisters therapy appointment yesterday and I learned something. If you acknowledge your anxiety and are moving towards a panic attack, you have to ground yourself by doing the following:
5 things you see.
4 things you touch.
3 things you hear.
2 things you smell.
1 thing you taste.
I copied it down, and I have copies in my kitchen, living room and my bedroom. Haven’t used it yet, but I will. Maybe you can try it.
Didn’t know you are writing a book; I’ll have to watch for it.
Hope you master the med thing. Meds suck but I’m on them three times a day for depression and lower back pain. Not the same but still.
Have a good day!
I love this!! Thank you so much for sharing!
Well, I want to read your book for a start, glad you’re on a roll with it!
🙂
Hope you get your equilibrium back soon. I’m starting my degree in the next week or two so my anxiety is a tad up there, along with my blood pressure. I go from thinking ‘what the hell am I thinking doing a degree at this stage in life?’ to convincing myself this is the right move, new challenge, new life, new beginnings!
You will get there with the house, when you’re good and ready!
I am so excited for you! I know it’s scary, but you’ll get a handle on it and find it was the best thing you could do. 🙂
Oh, my God Michelle, you just described how I feel and what I think every. Single. Day. I’ve had hypothyroidism my entire life, since I was 4, which at my age, turning 49 this month is quite long. Over the past few years I just can’t seem to get my dosage correct. The insomnia, racing thoughts, ocd behavior about pretty much everything is driving me and my husband and two teen daughters crazy. But I have no, or very little control over it. I’m sure menopausal symptoms are adding to the fact that I tend to act bi polar. But not getting regular sleep and feeling like you’re constantly racing or dead ass tired is a bitch. And apparently so am I! Best wishes finding your balance. I struggle to find my balance even in My birth month of September, being a Libra. The unbalanced scales. Go figure.
I AM SO SORRY that you are going through that….but please know..you are not alone.
Let’s both hope for that light at the end of the tunnel.
You’re writing a book???
I am. I was contacted by an agent who asked for a proposal, so I am diving in.
Been dealing with thyroid disease my entire life and as I approach 50 this month, it’s really been kicking my ass. I too fantasize about home repair, de cluttering th house, etc., yet do nothing. Except of course lie awake and obsess on it, and my anxiety,etc. Good luck with balancing out the meds, it’s a tricky dance.
It really is. I’m much better now. Going in for a tune up next week.