The Anxiety Cafe – Where Everything Is Overdone

Hi! Welcome to the anxiety cafe. We’re super glad to have you.

As you can see we are following social distancing rules and everyone must wear a mask. Although, I have to tell you, I don’t know if they really work. Also, that large fellow in the corner seems to be getting annoyed with his mask and we all know how that can go. Haha.

Follow me please, I’m going to take you to section 4, we call this the quarantine section.

Personally, my favorite section is the hydroxychloroquine section. Everyone there always seem so hopeful, I would take you there, but that section is full. And I am pretty sure I heard someone cough.

Can I start you both with a little nip of worry?

Perhaps something to tide you over? No? Well, I will just jump right into the specials.

We have a lovely arrangement that has been quite popular. We start with a base of “How can you be sure if anyone really anxiety cafe artloves you” we add a layer of “9th grade gym class” and then smother that in “fear and resentment against an overbearing mother”. The finish is, “we guarantee that any credit card you use to pay your bill will be declined”.

You might not want something quite so heavy. It can be a bit much. We served this last night as well. I haven’t seen so many grown men crying at the same time since we ran that special on spiders and heights.

No worries. Haha, bad joke, I know.

But we do have two other options. We have a chef’s choice. We don’t tell you what you are going to get, but we will drop cryptic hints and deliver at least 30 minutes after promised. Also, the chef did recently get tested for COVID-19, but we will not share the results with you. I can’t tell you too much about it, although I do feel like this one is a little heavy on the guilt, but some people really like that.

Or, you can build your own basket! You pick one option from 3 categories that best suit your needs.

Can I bring you both a glass of water? More than likely, the glasses have been properly cleaned and sanitized, but who knows? I mean, for all you know I’m having a really bad day and am so emotionally immature that I get relief by licking the rims of the glasses in an attempt to spread my germs to unwitting people. During a pandemic!

I also have a wide array of plastic straws which after they are discarded, will likely choke a majestic sea creature to death. No? Do you have any questions about the menu?

Oh, you are ready to order.  Yes, the chef’s choice. Nicely done, sir. I think you will find it particularly gratifying, considering your wardrobe choice this evening. Also, I will need you to sign this waiver, thank you so much.

And for you, ma’am? Yes, the build your own. Lovely. I will need you to choose one from each category.

First we have the general anxiety category.

Would you like,

  • “boss checks your browser history”,
  • “accidentally naked in public” or
  • “left iron on”?

Okay, add one iron.

Next is fear of the future.

Would you like that fear to more resemble Mad Max, The Hunger Games or Four More Years! Okay, interesting choice. Going with the second term anxiety. That’s very bold ma’am.

And lastly, please pick from the questions that keep you from sleeping category.

Would you like

  • “If you could know would you want to know exactly when and how you die?”,
  • “Why did you say that stupid thing to Andrea Marshall in the third grade”? or
  • “For all that is fucking holy, what if he wins again?”

Andrea Marshall it is! I think that will balance out that whole second term choice. Don’t want to overdo it.

Oh, and sir. The chef will want to know how you feel about drowning and rodents.

If you want to follow up with something light to worry about to wind down, we have an array to choose from including “Bugs laying eggs in your ears” and “What if there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom?”

Okay, I think I have everything I need for your order. I’m just going to leave you to your thoughts and perhaps and uncomfortable silence.

Also, I’m not sure if you noticed it or not, but it does appear that everyone is looking at you.”






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  • Boom *mic drop*
    Straight from your head to ours, now entertaining thoughts of ‘Who, What, Where and Why.’ Yes, we have left out ‘How’ because ‘how’ doesn’t matter.

    This’ll keep ’em up 🙂

  • Because there was always a chance that I would get a good night’s sleep for once!

    Hope you are holding up under all of this – although this blog seems to indicate your sense of irony/humor is still working!

  • I’m going to need an extra large bottle of bourbon to go with that order. Um, after reading that last sentence, make it two bottles please. Hang in there Michelle. Stay well!

  • My girl in third grade was Laura Bateson, and although we signed each other’s yearbooks in ninth grade, thinking about my behavior in grade school still mortifies me.
    For a light dessert, how about “OK. the cat gets to go outside again sometimes, will he fight with the neighbor cat again and send it to the vet?”
    Briana thinks she might have thyroid problems. Any advice for her?
    I hope you and yours are weathering the goddamn apocalypse at least as well as could be expected.
    Would that be the rodents themselves doing the drowning? Because that would totally make a difference in how I feel about them.

    • I think the rodents and drowning are completely separate, but that would be my anxiety not yours. And Briana, please get your levels checked. Thyroid issues can be really difficult and it can make you feel like complete shit. So, if it’s an option, get it checked out. I’ve been on synthroid for over 30 years and I never even notice it..unless it’s out of whack and then I’m miserable.

  • It’s just like the Hotel California: you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.
    Also what is it with everyone and Andrea Marshall? Seriously, it’s like we all had a problem with her and she was such a goody-two shoes we all had to hear about Marshall, Marshall, Marshall…

  • Doug in Sugar Pine. Ditto what Michelle said about thyroid. It would be good if Briana can see an endocrinologist. They usually understand results of a thyroid panel better than a primary doc. Also ask for a thyroid antibody test to check for Hashimotos autoimmune disease. It’s common. Synthroid is on the Walmart $4 list.

  • Briana says thank you. She had her blood draw Tuesday and has a phone appointment the first to find out what they found.

  • Crack me up. I’ll just take the grab and go bag at the counter. Oh, And throw in a “can’t find a bathroom for 50 miles” high fiber muffin with exlax sprinkles.

  • Holy Moly Frijole! Just wow. I think I actually feel a little dizzy and nauseous. Doing my best to feel hopeful. I was at a restaurant for a business lunch the other day and was pretty upset by the fact that they are handing out plastic straws without being asked, a clear violation of our new California law. I want to report the restaurant, but I don’t even know who to report them to. I use glass straws, have for some time now. At restaurants if they don’t have paper straws I just go without. I’d like to thank you for letting me know that there could be some sick people tainting guest ware at restaurants. euw! So grossed out. Especially since I actually put my lips on my glass so I wouldn’t have to use a plastic straw. Yes…thank you very much. just euw! LOL

By Michelle


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