Anxiety Psychic

So, I was just now thinking about psychics.

I’m not sure why, I read something completely not related to psychics. Of course, my brain decided to make a sharp left without telling me.

Anyway, I thought “Wouldn’t a valuable psychic ability be to be able to channel a person’s anxiety into a human voice? That would be amazing.

You’d go to this anxiety psychic and ask your anxiety questions and get answers back in a different voice than the one in your head.”

Since anxiety psychics aren’t a real thing, I went ahead and made one up for us. I wanted to play this out and see what we are missing by not having anxiety psychics.

Our psychic, Janell, doesn’t have a dark little room with beads, candles, and tarot cards. Janell is an anxiety psychicelderly Appalachian woman who sits at a Formica kitchen table and channels anxiety. Janell is not a mental health professional and couldn’t give two shits about your anxiety. She merely passes along messages for $75. an hour.

Me: Soooo, how does this work?

Janell: Well, first you pay me. Then, go ahead and ask your anxiety whatever you want to ask. If you don’t get any answers, I’ll give you back your money.

Me: Does that happen often?

Janell: Not even once.

Janell: I used to be a regular psychic, but then my grandson left weed out in his bedroom. I was going to bust his ass for it, but then I decided to try it. And do you know what? Dead people don’t talk to me anymore. I suspect that is because there’s no weed in the afterlife and they’re pissed about it. Then I started hearing people’s anxiety. You’d think it would be upsetting, but it’s just interesting. People are fucked up.

Me: So, that’s why you are smoking weed now?

Janell: Yes, I have to smoke a little weed before I can hear anxiety speaking to me.

Me: Do I ask you the questions and then you ask her? I’m not sure what to do here.

Janell: Just ask. When I talk, I will be speaking for your anxiety.

Me: Okay. Got it. I guess.

Me: Ask anxiety why she’s so mad at me.

Janell: Did she not just tell you to ask the question directly? Can you follow one simple instruction? It was one instruction, Michelle. Seriously.

Me: Yeah, okay. So, why are you so mad at me?

Janell: Why did you refer to me as “her”? So, anxiety is automatically female? Is that what you are saying? Why would you even think that?

Me: I assumed, I guess, because I’m a woman that my anxiety would be a woman.

Janell: Do you know what a good person would do? A good person at least try to stop using gender specific pronouns. Do you even try?

Me: I mean, probably not. I’ve been used to saying her and his and him and she for decades now. I guess I got used to it. But, you are right. I should try harder.

Janell: While we are on the topic of you being a traitor to your gender…

Me: I didn’t know we were on that topic.

Janell: Don’t interrupt. It’s rude. Do you think you could try being a “listen” person instead of a “wait to talk” person for an hour? You are paying for this, you know.

Me: Okay, listening.

Janell: Have you considered not calling your best friend a whore mouth at least a dozen times every time you see her? Using those derogatory terms hurts all women. All of them. Yet what do you do? You talk a good feminist game, but aren’t you really just a part of the problem?

Me: Can I ask a different question?

Janell: It’s your money. You know, the money you could have used to pay your cell phone bill.

Janell: And it’s your business if you want to continue to avoid some basic self-examination. Really.

Me: …

Me: What about work. I mean, would it be so hard for you to just ease up a little?

Janell: About work, there’s no point in asking questions. You suck.

Me: Yeah, but what about..

Janell: Nope. No. No point in asking. It doesn’t matter if you ask about performance, expectations, whether or not people like you. You suck. Next question.

Me: So that’s it? Nothing more about work?

Janell: At this point, I think you should be asking about being annoying or perhaps just dense.

Janell: I’m going to ask you a question.

Me: Is that how this works?

Janell: Don’t confine me. I want to ask why you are so inconsiderate. Did you think about this woman here? Answering your questions? Maybe she’s hungry. Did you think to bring her a snack cake? An ice cream sandwich? A soda and some chips? No. No you didn’t because you’re self-centered.

Me: Hey. Wait. You’re just high as balls.

Janell: That’s fair. Still, just a snack cake.

Me: Why do I have to worry about what is going on in our government and the state of the world all the time? Can’t I get just a little break?

Janell: Are you fucking kidding me right now? A break? We don’t get breaks from tire fires. Of course you should worry about it all the time. You have your debit card number memorized so you can order pizza without looking for your purse, but you don’t have your senator’s phone number memorized? Maybe you don’t worry about it enough.

Me: I don’t know that I’m getting anything from this. I mean, I’m not gaining any real insight.

Janell: What did you think you were going to get? All I am saying is the shit that is in your head literally all the time. It’s your stupid head. What did you think was going to happen?

Me: I don’t know. Not this. I totally should have gotten a massage instead.

Okay, so I am glad I played it out.

Anxiety psychics would be a nightmare. Don’t waste your money. I mean, if they ever become a thing. Unless you want to pay me to speak for your anxiety, because I think I’m really good at it.


Photo courtesy of Nino Care.


Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Maria P says:

    That psychic was annoying

  2. Barb says:

    Damn it! Get outta my head, whore mouth!

  3. Darlene says:

    I thought this was amusing. 🙂 As long as we are speaking to our anxieties, we might s well speak to our fears, our regrets and our heartbreaks. I have a few things I would like to ask them all.

  4. Lisa K says:

    *puts $150 on table*
    I’ll be back tomorrow, too…


  5. Haralee says:

    I’d like a group discussion because just one anxiety psychic can be off and doesn’t want to admit and give back money!

  6. Doug in Oakland says:

    Briana just watched a video about “cold reading” which is how psychics con people into believing they have supernatural powers. It’s pretty effective, if you want to convince someone that you know things about them that you really don’t, or conversely, learn things about them on the fly…
    I used to read Tarot cards a long time ago, and I always did better after smoking a little weed. The key word in that sentence is “little” as I am from Humboldt County, and too much of that weed and you won’t be reading anything, much less Tarot cards.
    I have found that in order to run the negative voices out of my head, it helps to put some positive voices in there. That’s just me, of course, but it does nicely set up something I wanted to do anyway, which is show you this video of the Coastal Sound Youth Choir’s “Indiekor” performance of a New Pornographers song accompanied by a rock band who I think are called the Salteens. Considering how much I love Neko Case, any attention at all to anyone besides her singing one of her signature songs is weird, but god damn it these kids are good. Anyway, here it is. I have been watching it over and over for a week now.

  7. You really are good! The part about our representative’s phone number is a point that could be taken seriously. The part I am not sure about is, do we actually make a difference? Somehow I think that leaving a message for a senator is pointless.

    Dear Anxiety Psychic,

    Do we count or not? When you talk to your representative please let me know.


    • Michelle says:

      OMG WE DO!! Yes, the calls DO matter. They matter a lot. They work for us, if they suck, we need to tell them. But yes, they do keep score on who is calling about what and it does make a difference. Keep calling and leaving messages.

  8. Janet says:

    I agree that that Anxiety Psychic was pretty nasty. Maybe you got her on a bad day-perhaps she has a kindly sister (they so often do) who you could call. I do so appreciate your writing and vulnerability, hope the shitty times are getting at least a bit less shitty. btw, still want to be best friends who leave ironic and snarky notes up everywhere.

    • Michelle says:

      She is nasty, but she is mine. Dammit. If she has a kindly sister, then the sister is mute. Haha. And thank you! We’re okay right now. At least the work stuff has died down.

  9. Lori says:

    Can we have anxiety psychic call our senators?

  10. Red says:

    This is me, before any social engagement. Christmas is hard for this reason. But less worry about the world and more “why can’t I just wear my sweats?”

    • Michelle says: husband always wears his sweats. He doesn’t care. I don’t care. If anyone else cares, they can keep that shit to themselves.

      • Red says:

        That’s awesome. I never try to make my husband dress any particular way. We actually got an invitation from a friend who specified his event dress code was “dress to impress”. He likes formal occasions. We both declined the invitation.

  11. Back in high school I took Latin. One day we had to translate something about a guy going to the Underworld, which, as a joke, I translated as “East Nashville”. The teacher thought that was funny and we started talking about how the Underworld was full of addicts and prostitutes and that led to the question, what’s the Latin word for “prostitute”? And the teacher, who was pretty cool, pulled out a dictionary and looked it up and then said, “Fuck me, it’s a neuter noun.”
    I told you she was pretty cool.
    This is a really roundabout way to get to telling you that “whore mouth” in Latin is gender-neutral. Maybe. I just checked and there’s one that’s neuter and half a dozen other Latin words for “whore” that are all feminine, although the words for “farmer” and “sailor” are also feminine even though those were predominantly male professions and I’m really wishing I hadn’t started down this path but it’s too late now.
    Anyway if you call your friend “prostibulum osculum” you will not only sound educated but also be entirely gender-neutral.
    Also the anxiety psychic is an asshole.
    Hey, “asshole” is totally gender-neutral.

  12. KK says:

    Yeah, I need a chat with my anxiety but after reading this, maybe I’ll stick to bourbon, that shuts her up for a while 🙂

  13. emelle says:

    I am so grateful to only have Depression (“mild to severe”, to quote the plaque-psoriasis drug commercials), and not also Anxiety. It sounds like Janell is actually the PERFECT voice for yours! What a fucking cunt. I bet she wouldn’t like you to call her that, though. :/