I’d be granted a certain calmness.
I mean, aren’t we owed that? I know “fair” isn’t a thing, but after you’ve reached the age where years have passed since you’re eligible for the Golden Buckeye card, there should be some pay off.
The Golden Buckeye card is something you get in the state of Ohio when you turn 55. You get restaurant and hotel discounts. Shit like that. We’ve used it. It might be 50. But I’m pretty sure it’s 55. I really can’t be bothered to open a tab and check that out. I also realize it took me longer to type this than it would to have just looked it up. But now I can’t on principle. (It’s 60. I have one, youngin’ – Ed)
I thought that with age and experience and wisdom, I’d finally get relief from my anxiety.
I knew it would never go away, but I thought it would just sit in the background. Like some crabby old man on his front porch waiting for a breeze.
I didn’t get shit.
I didn’t get relief at all.
It has definitely changed. I am not as anxious about as much stuff as I used to be. I’ve probably shed over fifty percent of what I used to fret over. Maybe more.
Fret isn’t so much the right word, but if I can’t be bothered to look up the Golden Buckeye card thing, I’m certainly not looking at the thesaurus site.
But the fears I am left with?
My anxiety homes in on them with a crystal clarity that is as cold as it is unrelenting.
That’s not a fucking improvement.
It’s hard right now, isn’t it? That’s what she said.
It’s hard to find anything positive. It feels as if we’re all in this horrible waiting stage.
- Waiting for the pandemic to pass.
- Waiting to get sick.
- Waiting for the election.
- Waiting waiting waiting.
It’s no wonder anxiety is kicking our asses.
I’m trying to pull myself out of the abyss as much as I can. I try to spend at least a few minutes each focusing on something positive.
Perhaps, my anxiety hasn’t gotten much better, but I like myself now and that is huge.
Self love is a comforting feeling.
I need to remind myself of this more often.
Also, and I believe this goes along with self love, but self acceptance is something else I’ve acquired over the years.
I did have some help with that.
One time, when I was 32 years old, I was telling a co-worker that I was planning to cut my hair super short and dye it platinum. She looked at me and said “Why would you do that? You’re already the weirdest person in the building.”
Not gonna lie, that stung a little bit. But it also made the following 25 years a little easier.
Am I that weird? Okay then, let’s just go with that.
We’re still here and we’re still healthy. I can’t control the future, but I can try to appreciate right now.
I hope you all are safe.