Anxiety: I’m The Guns Of The Navarone

I wanted to name this post “I’m a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker” but I can guess how that conversation would go:

Randy: Michelle. Sweetheart (you have to read that in an exasperated voice) you can’t put motherfucker in your title.

Me: But I like it.

Randy: You can’t keep alienating people because you are in love with the word motherfucker.

Me: I’m not in love with it. I mean, we have a thing, but it’s cool. It’s complicated.

Randy: Whatever, you want to marry the word motherfucker.

So, you see? It’s just not worth it. I’m sure that isn’t exactly how the conversation would go, but it’s in the ballpark. I still stole one of Sam’s lines from Pulp Fiction for my title. It just doesn’t make as much sense.

Anyway, I wanted that headline because my anxiety right now is a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker. I’ll be anxiety alright, I always am. I’d be lying if I didn’t say my anxiety’s severe.

When I walk into work tomorrow, I’m walking into a big ass problem that I found out about on Saturday morning. Not of my making, but I have to fix the problem and it scares the fuck out of me.

If that isn’t enough, here’s the other thing. Tomorrow is Halloween and we’re supposed to dress up. The theme is Robert Palmer’s Addicted To Love video. The women in the office are supposed to dress like the tall, skinny model looking women with the slicked back hair. Wearing high heels and bright red lips. Because that look works so well on a 53 year old woman who is 50 pounds overweight and who’s hair turns 100% gray when it’s pulled back. Also, smoky eyes and bright red lips? That look became too harsh for me 10 years ago.

I mean, I don’t have to dress up. But I already get a fuck ton of shit from people because I don’t participate. Which is fair. I don’t participate. I’m totally cool with not participating. They do shit like go canoeing and camping. That sounds like a punishment to me. I like nature in theory and fuck camping. Wearing all black and putting on a little makeup isn’t horrible. And who cares if I have a granny bun? So, if I did participate, maybe I’d catch less shit for being standoffish.

Either fucking way, it doesn’t help my goddamn anxiety level.

I can’t go in tomorrow and fix a massive data problem while I’m dressed up like a mime. That’s ridiculous.

I don’t know.

When y’all are reading this, I’m either wearing jeans and a company polo or I am wearing all black and already have severe raccoon eye because my flop sweat is fucking up my makeup.

Wish me luck, okay? All I can think is that by this time tomorrow, it will all be over with and I’ll be in the car on the way home.

Also, in just over a week, this godawful election will be over. I am not naive. I know shit will happen afterward which will keep the anxiety buzzing. I’m hoping shit dies down quick and we can begin putting election 2016 behind us. I have to think that is going to help with the anxiety.


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  • Sorry, Boo. I think I would “forget” to dress if I had to be that.

    One year ago, my friend at work dressed as Maleficent. It was fantastic. She got a call that her uncle’s house was on fire and she had to gas it there. While she was there, DRESSED LIKE THAT, they found out his body was in the basement. The news station came. I have to be super sweet to her today. Bad times man, bad times.

  • Why feel pressured to do fancy dress? Halloween is a corny pagan ceremony at about the level of spiritual awareness common to the average TV junkie in the western world. Forget the fancy dress. Concentrate on solving the technical issue and best of luck with it.

  • That severe anxiety is ROUGH. I commiserate with you on that. I don’t have any “tricks” for dealing with it other than talk to as few people as possible and keep it light so you don’t end up strangling someone.

    This to shall pass. It might pass like a watermelon seed or the whole goddamn watermelon but it will pass. Hang in the and make sure to tell your doctor that the meds aren’t working well.

    My SnIL said words to the effect that it’s the medicine making me that way. (bad). I told him that the medicine allows me to act more normal. (good).

    You’ll be fine. Don’t hurt anyone.

  • Oh no. All the best with the Robert Palmer thing.

    Everyone I know is sort of in a state of generalized anxiety right now. I’m avoiding news, but that only helps a little.

    • Yeah, I had to have a completely Trump free weekend. was nearly trump can’t help seeing it, but I did not immerse myself into that craziness at all.

  • Good Luck! with your data problem. Having been in that field most of my life(not there anymore) but still have a husband that does that. It is not fun. And everyone thinks it should be so easy 🙁
    I actually CANNOT WAIT until this election is over. (I also think I need to get my medication changed). I early voted Saturday. Took my daughter to vote in her first Presidential election. Pretty sure we canceled out each other votes but hey, that’s democracy. (I guess) <3 I hope it went well today and and by the time you read this you will be stuffing your face with the Halloween candy you bought for the trick-or-treaters and enjoying a glass of wine–that's what I will be doing tonight.

  • You COULD dress as Robert Plant… Business suit, hair straight down, no smile… or the camera dude… jeans and a tshirt and a pack of cigs in your back pocket – do you have a video camera for your prop???

    I would be a little hesitant on the singer’s costume for the same reasons, grey hair in a bun is my library style 🙂

    But, it IS Halloween and everybody seems to get the ‘play along’ factor. ‘Specially when somebody dictates a theme for personnel *gag* so you WOULD be ‘getting in the spirit’ and showing ‘camaraderie.’
    Is Robert’s music going to be playing all day for the ‘authentic’ effect?
    At least it’s good music to fix computer catastrophes… you do like Robert Plant sounds, right?
    As far as the computer system fixing: You are a BAD ASS! You are GOOD at what you do! Sometimes when I go into an ‘elephant’ problem, I start with ‘spot the not’ and ‘one of these things is not like the other’ to isolate the original fuck up and then I close my eyes and pretend I’m chewing the elephant and I start with the trunk cuz I like to meet things head on and then I just keep chewing until I taste tail hair.
    Works for Algebra, bib records and planning for getting out of dressing up for anything.
    One way or the other, NastyMichelle, you GOT this! Your head is screaming because it’s in ‘habit’ mode. You have been therapized, inmmunized and Rorschached to death. Go into the motions, don’t think, just let your ‘self’ start working and the flow will happen.
    Cuz YOU ARE A BAD ASS!!!
    And I Love you and wish it wasn’t this overwhelming and daunting to think about. Maybe take Dude with you and have him pose with the Robert Plant singers so Randy can make some funny captions… for you. Us 🙂

  • Yuck. Not many of us over 50 look good with slicked back hair. You could be, I know it is too late, but a girl not addicted to love, all hair forward in white?

  • Better yet, dress DUDE as one of the folks from the video. Put him on your desk to keep you company while you fix the computer issue. Done and done! 🙂

  • My sympathies. Even in my 20’s I couldn’t pull off that look. Now I’d just look like a goul – although under the circumstances, that would fit right in.
    Do you get trick or treaters where you live? You could scare the little darlings in that costume.

  • for some reason, hubby showed me this picture yesterday. It is MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME. I don’t know how to put a photo in a comment, so go here, and scroll down to the picture, I’ll wait.

    It is too late for this advice, but you should not dress like a girl in robert palmer video, that is SO WRONG. you should glue cotton balls all over a t shirt, and go as Miss Atomic Bomb 2016. That is how I am going to picture you in my head from now on anyway. Because you are also MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME.

  • I’m still a little stuck on the Maleficent-related comment from above (sigh) but … I hear you. When I had to resolve stick customer service issues dressed as [insert costume choice of the year here] I always felt weird. Hope your day is survivable and hope to heck the outcome of the election is survivable.

    • Surviving the day so far. It’s been super stressful, but the worst of it was done by 10:00am. Have to wait for tomorrow to see what else shakes out. I am pretty much done for the day right now. I’m doing a lot of blank staring.

  • However you’re dressed I hope you’re having fun today. And I’m sure you work with nice people but whoever picked the “Addicted To Love” video as a Halloween theme is a motherfucking asshole. Who picks a Halloween theme with only two options?
    Back when my office did Halloween parties a group went as The Addams Family one year. I was asked to be Uncle Fester. Maybe I should have been offended that they thought “Who could be Uncle Fester?” and decided I’d be perfect, especially since my hair was long enough at the time I could have been Cousin It. But it was fun.
    The point here is you’d be a fantastic Morticia.

    • Haha..morticia would have been more fun. I actually did do the makeup. So far, no raccoon eye..but I have said the word “fuck” and variations of the word “fuck” about 7 million times this morning.

      • hahaha…you can’t be that aloof palmer girl and swear like that – you kill me -also, sorry but I hate your job and coworkers (can’t help it) so keep writing until you write your way outta that motherfucking place! btw I’ve always loved that movie the guns of navarone (they were big mfkg guns and I wish they were aimed at the Cheetohead)

  • That’s the worst m—–f—in’ theme for a corporate Halloween that I’ve ever HEARD. A theme should just give you a loose idea to get started – not make all the women dress in heels and short skirts. How did that idea get by in this day & age? And pressuring people to participate in a dress-up is just wrong. I hope you are in nice comfy jeans and a polo as I’m reading this.

    I’m in children’s publishing and I always look forward to the company Halloween party because OUR theme is always “children’s books”. You can interpret that any way you want, you can do solo or duo or team, your costume can be as elaborate or as simple as you want, and (and this is key) you can also do absolutely nothing except enjoy your co-workers’ wildly creative efforts. That’s how it ought to work!

  • I fucking HATE halloween!! I hated it as a kid, I hated it when my kids were into it, I can’t stand the little beggers ringing my fucking doorbell, AND, I fucking hate pumpkins. I would have called in sick…FUCKING SICK OF HALLOWEEN!!
    rant over,

  • 2016 election season, thy name is anxiety. Please do survive, and thrive thereafter; I have confidence that you will.
    Back in the mid-eighties, when that song was on the radio a lot, we did one of our pre-Halloween harvest season road trips back to Humboldt County and returned with a blob of green bud for our coworkers at the Buttercup, who took them out by the walk-in and smoked down, just pre-dinner rush. When everybody had returned with goofy grins, that song came on the radio, and Tommy the drummer began to sing along with it, only he changed the lyrics to “Might as well space it, you’re addicted to drugs…”
    I hope your work problem is satisfactorily resolved, and you have an otherwise enjoyable Halloween.

    • Hahahah…I love the new lyrics. Meh..the problem is better. Won’t know for sure until tomorrow if there are still problems. I’m kind of done right now. Blankly staring at my screen.

  • My rebel moment. Everyone was told to dress up or wear jeans. I wore dress clothes. Fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

  • I hope you are feeling better soon. And for the record. I love camping 🙂 But you wouldn’t catch me dead dressed as a “Palmer girl”. Hard to believe any workplace would do that. Was it that or sexy chambermaid? It would make me anxious, too.

  • Glad it’s all over. You caved in on one level, but on another, higher level, you def. showed them narc motherfuckers. Next year, pretend you are going senile and go as a plant.

  • Dare I ask how I went?

    I find I don’t mind dressing up if I feel good about myself. But lately that’s a rarity so yeah, no. Maybe cat ears or something but that’s about it, I honestly think people should take things like that in consideration for business politics. Some people are just more comfortable with certain things. I would have hated to be in your shoes 🙁

    This election will determine if I watch news for the next 4 years. I am not joking. Do I want to know what’s going on or live in a bubble–it will all depend.

  • Just read this – so you have already tackled the work thing – both the problem and the Halloween costume.
    Anyways, I am in your corner, even though my depression is seeping into me like a cold fog.


    Hate rainy Octobers, and November isn’t starting much better.

    • Oh no..I am so sorry to hear this. This is going to pass and reject the bullshit lies your depression is whispering to’s full of shit. Sending you my peaceful thoughts.

      I almost typed sending you my peaceful thugs instead of thoughts.

By Michelle


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