Apparently, I’d End Up With Stitches

A

Because that’s what snitches get.

Randy and I woke up obscenely early on Saturday morning. He always gets up early. I woke up before 5 am and never went back to sleep.

My mother gave Randy a gift certificate to a liquor store for Christmas. He was up and dressed and ready to drive to Kentucky before 9 am Saturday morning. I’m always up for a ride in the car. Well, I’m up for it the older I get. I would have been more excited had I slept in a while.

I’m starting to understand the ‘let’s take a drive’ thing.

I never got that when I was younger. Taking a drive was dumb. What is the point of going anywhere if you’re not going anywhere? Now? Now I just like the drive.

We were driving back and saw a billboard that said ‘No more periods…period’ and underneath that it said ‘My Flow’.

Me: Wouldn’t that make more sense if it said My No Flow? I mean, if there are no more periods, period then there would be no flow.

Randy: Flo No Mo

Me: ‘My flow’ reminds me of ‘Aunt Flo’.

Randy: And flow?

Me: No. AUNT Flo.

Randy: And flow what?

Me: Dude. Aunt Flo. You know..what you would call your mother’s, sister. AUNT Flo. Well, if your mother’s sister was named Flo.

Randy: You need to enunciate.

Me: I enunciated fine, motherfucker. You’re just old and deaf.

I can’t begin to say how much I still appreciate having my uterus burned out. No mo flo rocks like frozen crazy. 

We got home and carried in Randy’s booze and some groceries. He locked the door behind him and said “Just in case the Sheriff tries to get in”.

The day before, a sheriff’s deputy knocked on our door. Randy had received a jury summons and filled out the form and mailed it back. Apparently, the postal service failed us, because the court never got it. The deputy came with a replacement and an admonishment to send it in right away because the judge was expecting it. I was the one who answered the door when the deputy asked for Randy.

Me: Were you worried when the sheriff came for you yesterday?

Randy: I was more worried by how fast you gave me up. Seriously, you didn’t hesitate at all. You were like….yeah, he’s home. He’s right here.

Me: I’m not doing time for you.

Because I would anything for love. But I won’t do that.

I have this button. I think it came with some clothes that Joey bought. The card says ‘Bad at petting goats’ and then there’s a button with it. Here’s a picture.

button

Goats seem to be giving kittens a run for their money on the internet these days. I will send the goat button whose origins are mostly unknown to a subscriber. I was going to say to a new subscriber, but that’s hardly fair, right? I mean, you’re a loyal subscriber and as a thank you for that loyalty, I would screw you out of a chance for a button that I believe is currently under my kitchen table?

So, I will be randomly sending the goat button to a new or current subscriber. The point being, if you are not already a subscriber, then put your email in that little box to your left and sign up!

 

 

 

 

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56 comments

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  • I’m confused… Am I being punished for not being a new subscriber? And why is that button more important than me?

  • Um..this post is a bit random/stream of consciousness, isn’t it? You and Randy have much more entertaining conversations than my husband and I have. He does the singing at me thing a lot. Why did you drive to Kentucky to buy booze? Is that where the certificate to the liquor store was? (And if so, isn’t that a bit passive aggressive on your mother’s part?) I don’t know where you live in Ohio–but it’s kind of a long drive into KY unless you live in Cincinnati and are going to Covington. Did Randy want bourbon straight from the source?

    That’s mine stream of consciousness reacting to yours. 😉

  • I’m impressed that deputies deliver jury summonses where you live. Here they just mail them twice–2 slightly different looking forms–so even if you sent it in, you’re not sure you did it right.

  • I love that you can get gift vouchers for liquor stores over there, the perfect gift for all occasions
    :-))
    Badatpettinggoats.com?
    I so have to check that one out, brilliant name

  • Not to sweeten the pot in my favor or anything, but I did receive a goat puppet for Christmas and people seem to be getting sick of me only communicating through the puppet. Apparently, that does NOT equal sexy times.

  • Something must happen when we get older, something chemical or maybe something caused by the programming chip the aliens surgically planted in our armpits during our abduction, because I know a lot of people (including yours truly) who HATED going for rides as a child and suddenly, when they reach a certain age, (not exactly old but you know) they begin to like rides and then maybe even starts demanding regular rides on a certain day of the week. Maybe it’s because we’ve grown out of the car sickness part. Who knows. Life is a mystery. At least we have air bags now so we don’t have as much chance of dying during some lame ass car ride.

  • but…but… but… I subscribe to the RSS feed. I don’t just happen here by accident, ya know! Now I gotsta subscribe twice?

    🙁

    That’s okay, I don’t want your ol’ goat button anyway (said the fox).

    J

  • Gift certificate to a liquor store! Why that’s just plain genius, I’ve never thought of that for a gift, or to put such a request on my own wish list. That sooo beats the usual Starbucks gift cards.

  • Hahaha! Your conversations with your husband sound like mine with my husband, only with more deafness from him. I love the ones that start with him thirty feet away from me in the family room while I’m running the garbage disposal, or just water, in the kitchen. Every. Damn. Time. So that I have to stop what I’m doing and walk over to find out what totally unimportant message he wanted to tell me. Or when I’m just thinking out loud from thirty feet away, and he says “what?” Dear, do you not think that if I wanted you to hear what I was saying that I wouldn’t walk closer and say it LOUD, because you’re deaf, unless I don’t want you to hear what I’m saying? We’ve been married almost 43 years, but we may not make it, just for that one thing. It drives me mad.

    You don’t live that far from me. I’m just northwest of Columbus. My best friend lives in Oxford. She’s married to my husband’s cousin. His family mostly lives in Butler Co., except for his sister who lives in Hazard, KY.

    Our neighbors have fainting goats, and my youngest grandson loves to visit and pet them, so he’s not bad at petting them, but that button is cute!

    This is so random.

    • Hahah…I actually live in Butler county. Small world. My first husband’s family was from around Hazard county. Strange place that is…

      I kind of want to pet your neighbor’s fainting goats.

  • I have to laugh (not necessarily with Randy) at how fast you gave him up. I’m sitting here thinking the first thought that went through your head was what good blog fodder this might make. I know it might have been mine. If I still had a blog, of course.

    I’m right there with you on No Mo Flo. I didn’t have one for two years and then started HRT and now the fickle bitch thinks she might want to come back from time to time. Not okay.

  • I can’t figure out if this post is super-deep or just crazy! I’m choosing super-deep. 😉 I love that you gave Randy up like that–but it’s a cautionary tale and for sure I’m going to comply when jury duty comes ’round again. Also the idea of driving for liquor is an anachronism in the world I live in, and so it raised all sorts of vivid images of moonshiners! This really was a fun post just because i couldn’t figure it out and it made me have to think, something I haven’t done much of yet this morning!

    • HAHAHAH…it’s not deep! It’s just a product of my brain which jumps around and sometimes, I just go with it.

      I really did give him up without hesitation. Although, I didn’t think it could have been anything bad because unless he’s living a double life, he’s pretty law abiding.

  • Hello! This is TJ from the Bloppy Bloggers (I seriously messed up the name at first, thank goodness I looked it up again) 🙂 My first time here and gotta tell you that I love posts like this. It’s like peeking in your mind, in a non-creepy way, haha.

  • The gift card to a liquor store in another state is fascinating! States and their liquor controls is always babbling. Sheriff coming to the door for jury duty? That must be another state by state oddity I didn’t know about. Who knew your post was so educational?

    • We live REALLY close to Kentucky, so it wasn’t a long trip. And I don’t think the sheriff comes unless they never receive your response when they send it out. Which apparently, they did not…

      Hmmm..educational. I never thought of my blog as educational..more just absurd. haha.

  • Ok, I never GOT the “frozen crazy” thing until we actually watched Frozen over the holiday. That is, if “frozen crazy” actually has anything to DO with the Frozen movie – does it? OR, does is have to do with “crazy” being all permafrost & shit and then some idiot thaws it out and “crazy” is just as FRESH as it was when someone had the sense(?) to dry-ice that shit…

    PS – I indoctrinated my husband into the hilarity that is all the baby goat and goat vids on YouTube. It started with the question: “Do goats really scream like that Sprint commercial?”. They do, in fact. 😉

  • Go goats, go! On the jury side of life, my husband just got called to duty. Fortunately he was totally happy about it. But I would have turned him in as you did under the same circumstances. Of course!

  • If I had ever been in trouble with the law it would go something like this:

    Me: Crap! The cops are at the door!
    Ex Wife: Quick! Get in the closet!
    Cop: Good afternoon ma’am. I…
    XW: He’s in the closet.
    C: I’m collecting donations for…
    XW: Yeah. Great. Whatever. You wanna borrow my taser?

  • I love it! Because, of course, goats are way underrated and can add hours of entertaining family harmony to any household, much like a new cat. That button would rock, because if you’re *bad* at petting goats, then yes, you should come with a warning, so at least at the Fair the goat barn can be on alert. 😀

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year– here’s to a better 2015 than 2014!

    Although I’m pretty sure I SAID THAT ON JANUARY 31ST, 2013 TOO. Thanks a lot, Santa… *scowls*

  • I hate to point this out, because the goats are so much more amusing, but it’s actually “bad at petting cats”. It appears to be an Etsy store which just happened to choose a rather unfortunate font for their branding.

    It’s a shame it’s not about goats because I would’ve loved to send one to my friend who’s terrified of goats. We showed her a video compilation of fainting goats hoping it would ease her fear, but she said the fainting only made them even more terrifying.

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