You know what is exciting about our little corner of the Midwest?
Seriously, I am asking. Because it’s not terribly exciting here. No mountains or beaches. There are big cities, but not big cities.
The point is, not much goes on around here. We did get a hurricane in Ohio, once, though. That was weird. I don’t really count that as exciting, though. We just lived without power for 5 days.
So, my experience is mostly your typical Midwestern experience.
Then I started blogging. I started 7 years ago and found the perfect way to process the contents of my 
head. This is the best therapy I’ve ever had.
I even learned that I can stretch some. I’ve been published other places and have actually earned money for my writing. That was never my plan, but I’m not complaining. Those checks always seem to arrive just in time for an unexpected car repair or doctor bill.
The internet makes the world smaller. Before the internet and blogging and writing articles for other outlets, I never would have had the opportunity to audition for a reality show.
This really happened recently.
A casting agent contacted me through Rubber Shoes In Hell’s Facebook page. They are putting together a show about couples who are thinking about getting divorced and want to assemble a divorce “dream team” to help people either repair their relationship or to help guide them through divorce.
This casting agent contacted me because she read my Huffington Post article about being married 3 times.
I was intrigued enough to answer her message and we made arrangements for a phone call.
Very Perky Casting Agent: Hi Michelle! I am so excited to talk to you about this show we are going to pitch. I love your writing style and I think you would be perfect.
Me: Ooookay. So, I’m not a big fan of reality shows. I don’t want to be involved with anything that belittles people or makes them look ridiculous. That’s just not for me.
VPCA: Oh, no! That isn’t what this is about at all. We truly want to help people.
Hahahah, I don’t believe that, but whatever.
Me: Awesome.
VPCA: We are assembling a team of people. First, will be a divorce attorney. They will walk the couple through the ins and outs of divorce and let them know what to expect. Next, we will have a licensed therapist who will work with the couple because sometimes people have problems in their relationships due to damage that happened earlier in their lives. The therapist can help them work through baggage they brought to the relationship. Then we will have a relationship counselor who will help them work through issues that are specific to their relationship.
And where the fuck do I fit in here? I’m not a professional, licensed anything.
VPCA: Lastly, we just want someone who has been divorced a lot.
HAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHAHA
I don’t know that she understood my laughter, but damn, that was some funny shit.
She liked our phone call enough to set up a Skype audition.
You guys, that was odd.
I don’t audition. I live in Ohio. I don’t come from auditioning people.
We are blue collar. We grill hot dogs and go to the Gulf of Mexico for vacation. Or Gatlinburg if Florida funds aren’t in the budget. This is how we do. We don’t audition.
I got tarted up for my audition and tried to get my laptop in a place with a solid background. One thing I learned, is there aren’t many solid backgrounds in my house with decent lighting. I nearly managed to get a completely solid background. A yellow one, so you know, it highlighted my dark circles and accentuated any ghoulishness in my features. There was also a mirror frame showing on one side.
The very perky casting agent was every bit as perky on my laptop camera as she was talking on the phone.
VPCA: So glad you could do this. Now, I need you to put the question in your answers. For instance, if I ask your name, don’t just say “Michelle”, say “My name is Michelle”. Don’t feel bad at all when I stop you to remind you to do this. Nobody gets it right every time.
Challenge accepted.
She didn’t have to remind me once. The whole audition took about 45 minutes. I totally dug talking with her and answering her questions about advice I would give to divorcing couples. I made her laugh and she told me I nailed it. That felt good.
They passed on me, which didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t disappointed because this is a show that is getting pitched, shows get pitched every day. Most of them never become shows. Also, I don’t really think I’m cut out to be on TV. I think my normal anxiety that is already hard to wrangle would reach a fevered pitch and who needs that?
Still, it was nice to be asked. And fun.
I kind of do hope they sell the show. I would love to see who they chose as “the divorcee”.
OMG and this is almost as exciting. George Takei responded to one of my tweets. Well, I responded to one of his first and then he responded. But still.
So, that’s what has been going on here. I go to work. Grocery shop. Avoid housework. Audition for reality shows and converse with Captain Sulu.
Life is weird.
I’m guessing you didn’t get divorced enough times to fully qualify…LOL..
I really didn’t. She took from the article that I’ve been divorced 3 times..no. I have been MARRIED 3 times. So, I don’t think I was divorced enough. She seemed a little disappointed about that. Hahah
oh wow! You get more famous every day Michelle! Soon I’ll be saying “I knew her when she was ‘just’ a blogger” Keep us posted and don’t forget to polish up the tap shoes just in case DWTS hears about your moment of being almost famous 🙂
Hahahah!!! That’s awesome. I have to actually learn how to tap dance.
The basic Times Step (in tap) is: Hop, 2 taps, change, brush out, stamp stamp. Repeat until Randy makes you stop.
He probably wouldn’t have to ask as I would fall down after the first stamp. Or maybe the hop. In any case, I’m falling down.
Aw man, when I read the title I thought you were actually going to be on Dancing with the Stars. I would totally have used all my votes for you.
Hahahah..we would have to REALLY broaden the definition of the word ‘star’.
That’s kind of cool. I wonder whether she just reads HuffPo or whether she was googling people who had been married more than once and you came up. Because that would be weird, if it was the latter.
Anyway, it’s good practice for the next time you audition for a reality show.
Haha. I don’t expect it will happen again, but you are right..I will be more prepared.
This is…weird. Well, your experience is fantastic and amazing and well-deserved. Seriously, it’s great that you tweeted with George Takei. And that reality show audition is pretty cool too.
Here’s the weird thing, and it’s weird enough that I considered emailing you privately but, what the hell, I’ll just put it out here for the world to see. There are good people here.
I had a dream that I was at a comedy festival and you were there…as a performer. Of course I had to go and see you and was part of a pretty big crowd that also wanted to see you which I could understand might be upsetting but you seemed to be handling it well. Things get a little vague, as dreams do, but it didn’t seem like you were doing a comedy act so much as offering advice.
Feel free to interpret, draw any conclusions, fold, spindle, or mutilate that as you will.
Hahahah..I LOVE that. I could offer advice in a humorous way. Advice that should probably never be followed.
Christopher – THANK YOU!!
I LOVE dreams and ‘messages subject to interpretation!’
And, prophetic dreams are the best of the best when they are fun and positive 🙂
Hmnn… we’ll have to see when and where Michelle’s next stand up performance is scheduled…
Oh yeah, Michelle… it’s coming and you will be amazing!! Christopher ‘saw’ it!!
😀
Well, that IS encouraging.
Very exciting, just to be asked and to have that experience! I bet they found a 5 time divorced woman who blogs about finding happiness currently without looking for her 6th husband for the show.
Haha, well, I hope they found the right person!
Sweetie 🙂
Darling 🙂
Awesomeness!
Please quit cutting yourself short! You have such a fun and delightfully sarcastic way of telling people how to keep a smile.
Whether you provide the smile or remind me of the smile hidden within that I have the power to claim, your words and subject matter ALWAYS come through with love and sympathetic/understanding/non-judgmental wisdom for me.
And I’m not special 🙂 I am simply one of your adoring fans.
Your outlet is coming. We are a practice ‘sounding session’ while you climb that ladder to your successful writing/speaking platform.
I am so honored to be a part of the Rage-M tribe 🙂
Thank you for your sane and rational contribution to humanity!!
I will TRY to not do that, but I make no promises.
Where is Elizabeth Taylor when you need her? Haha! What a totally surreal experience! But, yes, it had to be an exhilarating feeling to be chosen to audition. Quite an honor, actually! I’m also wth you on that feeling you get when someone you admire replies to your tweet or retweets your tweet! I had that happen to me with Lou Diamond Phillips (whom I’ve loved since the 80s, but who appears now on Longmire) and one of my favorite musicians, Rhonda Vincent (Queen of Bluegrass, baby!!). Did you re-read it to yourself? I don’t know how many times I did that! HAHAHA!!!
Why don’t you pitch a show of your own about a funny, happily married Midwestern woman with anxiety issues who writes a brilliant, successful blog? One of the episodes could be about your audition for a reality show about divorce and the wacky events that ensue! 😀
*high five*
We did it again!!!!
😀 😀 😀
Love ya Tink!
Hahahah…yeah, it would just write itself. 🙂
HaHaHa! if you were on there, I would totally pay for cable so I could see you! Look, you have your own fan base!
I can’t imagine how weird that would be. I like hiding behind a keyboard. Most of the time.
Because you’re awesome like that.
🙂 Thank you!
And you wonder why people want to be you!
There is a dark side. Trust me.
You would totally rock on TV. The more your stuff gets out there, the more likely you’ll be tapped to come out to my hood again. I live in LA, but I’m from Pittsburgh, PA, so I try to act cool and not be star-struck when I see known actors in the grocery store – like “hey, so, that’s just Clint Eastwood in front of me at Ralphs, no big whoop. Stopstaringstopstaringstopstaring!”
One of the coolest things that ever happened to me really, really dates me. When I first got to town, I was doing speech coaching for a well-known talent agent. She told me her friend, Charles, would be giving me a call with a lead to an accent-reduction client. When I got home and played my answering machine, I got this message, “Hi – this Is Charles Nelson Riley – Nina’s friend. Isn’t she great? Isn’t she just fucking funny? Anyway, my friend xxx would like to speak to you. His number is xxxxxx. Thanks!”
All I could think was, OMG, Hoodoo just called me.
HAHHAHA. Charles Nelson Riley. Yeah, That dates you a little, but I know who he is, too..soooooo…..
If I see anything like this show make it to air, I’m going to harshly judge whoever they chose over you because come on! But I will probably still watch the show because it sounds like an interesting idea…I know. I know. *shakes head at self*.
I hope you have a better week!
It’s only Monday and my stomach is in knots. I am taking a long weekend this weekend, so I am totally setting my sites on that.
“Tinkle, tinkle, little czar. Putin put you where you are.”
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-George Takei, on twitter.
–
Glad you had some fun with the audition. All I’ve ever auditioned for were ads that read “Guitarist wanted”, and most of those should have read “babysitter desperately needed” instead. *Sigh*
I too would get cable to watch you on the teevee machine.
Hahah..George is funny.
Wow – forget Kevin Bacon…you’re one degree from Uncle George.
Hahahah! Yep!
As a born-and-bred Iowan, your opening line got me all a-chuckle. And then that line about, “I don’t come from an auditioning people,” had me snorting.
This is why I love you.
Also, what I’m taking away from this post is that if I want to pursue my dreams of being a TV star, I need to pursue divorces rather than acting classes? Challenge ACCEPTED.
Mwah! Love you tons and tons!
Hahaha…yeah, I don’t know that I recommend that as a course of action. XOXOXOXOXO
This sounds great! Your life is interesting, you are interesting! And you and Uncle George – I am so excited about that and I’m not even you! Enjoy, you deserve it, and none of that “I’ll pay later” crap, you’ve already paid, this is yours! xoxo
Oh my gosh…thank you for this. I’ve had a shitty day and this makes me smile. 🙂
Aside from the cool factor of an audition, George Takei!! I’m green with envy (and I’m no Vulcan!)
Thank you, it really was fun to do. And what isn’t to love about George Takei?
You are too real for reality TV, Michelle! You should have your own sitcom!
b
Haha. It would be sooooo boring. Mostly I’m a slug with moments of sarcasm.
Sarcasm as a comedic form is seriously underrated. Sarcasm rules! Sarcasm is great! Sarcasm (misunderstood sarcasm) is why I am happily unemployed today! But I am 64 and saved my money so all is well!
Also, another mid-western girl here (small town Iowa raised) who got herself a fancy career and moved to New York City. Many encounters/sightings with celebrities – weird to think about now since I moved back to the midwest after a couple of decades. Dating myself here, but i sat next to Jerry Garcia’s wife once in a bar in San Francisco and asked her how she liked the band (not the Dead but one of Jerry’s other bands). She was very friendly…
Oh man..how I wish I saved my money, but alas, I did not and now I have to bite my sarcastic tongue ALL THE TIME.
This is awesome. I only have to get married twice more, and somehow get divorced three times and I’ll get your spot on a reality show!
And I’ll win!
That was part of the problem…she assumed from my article about being married three times that I have been divorced 3 times..I am still married to my 3rd husband. And I still really really like him, even after 22 years, so I fail as a divorcee….
I guess you not wanting another divorce meant it was a no for you, because otherwise they would totally have had you on the show- I mean, who doesn’t love acid wit and sarcasm?
(Er, actually, my ex-boss, but never mind, her loss. )
I suppose you could have pretended to want to divorce Randy, although I suspect he would not have gone along with it, even to secure you your 15 minutes. Shame. It would have been a hoot. Although, could your marriage have survived the stress of celebrity status?????
Our marriage has survived much worse than a reality show. Hahaha. At least I suspect it was worse having never been on a reality show. And screw your ex boss…sarcasm is valuable and necessary!
Ha, totally.
Mmm, I imagine a lot of what goes on on ‘Reality’ TV is staged, as there can’t be that many fucked up weirdos out there surely? One was about a man addicted to masturbation, who was travelling the world looking for a cure. No, it wasn’t your president. For real, it was a guy from the UK. Must have been made up???
I don’t know. I read a story once about a dude who could only get off by masturbating while swallowing shaved barbie doll heads…so anything is possible.
Hahaha Thank you Michelle… now I really can die happily, knowing I have indeed heard everything!!!!!!!!!
Hahahah!!!!
the blogosphere is a crazy place.
But chatting with Mr. Sulu. AWESOME!
Right? 🙂