I shouldn’t have to do this, but I am going to do this, because OMFG, people are goddamn edgy right now.

Anyway, I want to make it very clear that I don’t hate old white men. My favorite human on the planet is an old white man. Happy belated birthday to Randy who turned 62 this month. There are many old white men I appreciate and love.

That being said?

I am goddamn sick of old white men.

I’m not saying that old white men just now became horrible, because honestly, they’ve sucked for decades, I’m saying it seems like they’re really acting up these days.

Perhaps, it’s because we’re tired of their shit and they feel the winds of change.

By winds of change, I mean, we’re fucking pissed as fuck.

But I digress.

Last Friday, I went out for lunch by myself. I had a shitty day and needed to walk away from my cubicle because I sincerely wanted to either cry or physically attack someone. And I don’t mean anyone specific. I just wanted to hit something. But who needs assault charges?

I can’t do time. I would never survive in the stripey hole. I’d say it’s because I look bad in orange (because I do) but really, it’s everything else. I am not cut out for prison life. So, you know, going out for lunch was in everyone’s best interest. Mostly mine.

My stomach hurt when I finished eating because I got a double decker cheeseburger and onion rings. After all, I’m nearly 60 and I should fucking know better. But as I said, shitty morning.

I walked to the counter to pay my bill. There was someone at the register paying their bill, so I stood adjacent to them and waited my turn.

Then, an old white dude came in.

I immediately knew that he was not a happy old white dude. His deep, exasperated sigh game was goddamn on point. He crossed his arms and snorted a bit. He was in a goddamn hurry.

I also knew, that as soon as the guy at the registered paid his bill, that the unhappy old white dude was going to step in front of me and place his to go order.

Oh..no….no.

That wasn’t going to happen.

When the guy adjacent to me turned to leave, I made a badass electric slide move to my left to pay my bill.

Angry old white man: Pushy.

I looked over my shoulder.

Me: I’m sorry, are you speaking to me?

AOWD: Yeah, you’re pushy.

Me: Because I’m next in line and you wanted me to let you go before me?

He shrugged and raised his eyebrows in an “of course, you dumb cunt” sort of look. I may be supplying inflammatory meaning, but it’s my blog, so.

Me: I am so sick of people like you.

I paid my bill and turned to leave. As I passed the angry old white man, he said “bitch” under his breath.

So, I flipped him off with both hands and went back to work. Where my stressful day got goddamn worse.

Not gonna lie. It wasn’t a good day. I don’t have a funny end for it. The day just sucked.

But is that my only old white man story? No. No it is not.

The following is paraphrased because I don’t feel like going to Twitter and reading the comments again. It won’t be exact, but it is goddamn close.

I tweeted something about Joe Biden very nearly appointing an anti-abortion federal judge in Kentucky.

This is not acceptable. I mean, I’m glad it didn’t happen, but Kentucky already has a fuckton of issues. They don’t need anti-abortion federal judges. Fuck.

Anyway, some old white dude tweeted back to me that it was a conspiracy theory.

It’s not. Joe Biden was going to appoint Chad Meredith as a federal judge. McConnell supports him. However, Rand Paul objected, so Biden pulled his nomination. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is what fucking happened.

So, I responded that it was not a conspiracy theory. That it was reported on reputable news sites, not crackpot blogs. This is what happened.

Annoying Old White Dude Part Deux: I believe everything I read on twitter.

Me: I don’t understand. Are you saying that you actually believe everything you read on twitter or are you mocking me, even though the story isn’t a conspiracy theory?

AOWDII: I am so proud of you.

Me: okay

AOWDII: Haha, you’re about to lose your shit.

Me: No. I only pointed out that what I said wasn’t a conspiracy theory and you responded with nonsense.

AOWDII: You obviously want to keep this going. If you don’t like what I’m saying, why do you keep responding.

Me: You responded to my tweet, my dude. I get what is happening. I explained, politely, that you were wrong and you just really can’t deal with it. You fragile, candy ass.

AOWDII: You hate men. I can’t decide whether to stop or keep toying with you.

Me: Let me make the choice super easy.

Then I blocked him. Because what the fuck?

It’s easy to make fun of the fragility of old white men, but look at what they are doing.

We have a supreme court justice who screamed and cried in his fucking job interview. You think he might be exacting his revenge now? Because I assure you, Justice PunchableFace McRapeyHands doesn’t two fucks about a fetus.

I’m going to keep begging.

VOTE IN THE MIDTERMS.

Our lives depend on it.

And old white men? Time for you to step aside.

So, I might have told part of this story before, so bear with me.

My older son, Zach, and his wife Lauren befriended a young couple from Cuba. The wife doesn’t speak much English.

I remembered 30 years ago, when Zach was in Kindergarten, his teacher asked me to invite one of his classmate’s mother over for coffee. They were from Japan and she was lonely. She spoke almost no English, but we were able to communicate by using a Japanese to English dictionary. It was slow, but it worked. She came over a number of times and always brought a small gift when she visited.

On one visit, she gave me a paper doll, with a little slip of paper attached. I looked up the words to ask her what it said on the paper.

She went back and forth in the dictionary, looked up and said “Made in Tokyo.”

It made me laugh really hard.

I thought it might be nice for my daughter in law to have a similar experience, so I went on Amazon and ordered what I thought was a Cuban to English dictionary.

My son called after they received the book.

My son doesn’t laugh super easy, so I knew something was up when I answered the phone.

Zach: Mom, the book you sent isn’t what you thought it was.

Me: It’s not a Cuban to English dictionary?

Zach: What did it say on Amazon?

Me: Well, I can’t hardly see and I didn’t have any readers when I ordered it. I thought it was a dictionary.

Zach: It’s not exactly that. It’s a phrase book. It’s just filled with phrases in Cuban Spanish and then in English.

Me: Oh. Well, that’s not helpful.

Zach: No..no, but it is funny.

Me:…

Me:…

Zach: These phrases are fucked up.

Then he read some of the phrases to me. Here’s one that stood out for me:

“There was a huge scandal at the bank when they saw the video of the employees fucking in the closet.”

So, not even “Where’s the bathroom?” or “I’d like to buy some shoes.” No. Because when one is traveling and doesn’t speak the language, I think it’s important to be able to follow along if one finds oneself in a conversation about bank employees fucking in a closet.

He’s called me a number of times since. He said that he and his wife refer to it often.

He called the other day to let me know that they both know how to say “Javi has a big dick” in Spanish now.

They shared the book with their new friends, who were also terribly amused, and let Zach know that I chose poorly.

I mean, I am glad they are having fun with it.

Photo by Spencer Everett on Unsplash