Author Archives: Michelle

Spank It Like It’s Ham Salad

Posted on by under Life

That’s what I’m going to do to 2022.

Please note, I said “to” 2022, not “in” 2022. If I had said that I was going to spank it like it’s ham salad IN 2022, then this would be a very different blog post that I would never write. 

I know it makes no sense, but how the fuck long has it been since anything made sense?

Monday, Randy and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s also the day I will finally get my test back to see if I’m positive for COVID.

I’ve been sick since just after Christmas. I was never afraid, but I did feel like I got hit by a truck.

As of this moment, I don’t know if it was flu or COVID. Realistically, it’s probably omicron. I am super glad I never had any breathing issues. The gastric stuff and the headaches were brutal, though. I had chills for days, but barely any fever. All in all, it sucked but I never feared for my life.

The taste thing though.

What the fucking fuck?

I didn’t lose my taste. My taste just changed.

For days, everything tasted like I had just puked up bile. Or like garbage. Sometimes both!

Toothpaste made it way worse. The inside of my mouth tastes like battery acid, then I brush my teeth and it tastes like concentrated battery acid and it burned. So, that was fun.

I had chicken soup that tasted like it had been boiled in my stomach and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese that tasted of sewage.

I lost a few pounds. So, you know, silver lining and all.

I talked with my mountain friend, Lizzie on New Year’s eve. She told me that I needed to dance on New Year’s day. Even if I was sick, I had to take a moment to dance because she said what I do on New Year’s day, is what I will do all year and she sees me dancing.

If that’s true? Then, I’m eating weird stuff for breakfast in 2022.

Also, I tried you guys. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I would outrun COVID.

But we fucked up.

We had a gathering at Christmas. Everyone was vaxxed. We thought it would be okay.

Turns out, not so much.

On Christmas eve, my stomach hurt pretty bad. I had no other symptoms and it’s not out of the ordinary for me to have stomach issues.

But still, we didn’t want to take any chances. We had a rapid test available, so I took it. Negative. Probably something I ate.

My parents have symptoms now, but thank the stars and baby Jesus, their symptoms are super mild.

My parents getting sick has been my biggest fear since all this started and now it’s likely that I’m the one that passed this to them. Merry fucking Christmas.

As it turns out, the at home tests aren’t super reliable when it comes to omicron.

I guess this could be the flu. Either way, I learned my lesson.

Now is not the time to let our guards down.

Please continue wearing a mask. Please, for all that is holy, get your shot and your booster. The next few months are going to be goddamn grim.

And Betty White? Really?

I will not blame 2021 for taking her. I refuse. Betty White is a brilliant light. I will honor her by finding joy, not by adding to bitterness. Perhaps she is leading us out of 2021 into what comes next.

I have no doubt it will be difficult.

sparkler

But I’m still spanking 2022 like it’s ham salad.

Because if we’ve learned anything, we’ve learned, you just have to take charge in these trying times. Also, we have so much left over ham from New Year’s. So much.

Edited to add: I want to offer up a sincere apology to my fellow humans and the universe for potentially spreading this virus. I truly thought we were okay, but looking back, I should have known if I had any symptoms then we should have stayed home. This virus is no joke. I had a few days where I was disoriented all day long. It was like being super high or drunk, pick your poison, but with zero euphoria. That is a giant ball of painful suck, my friends. I am so grateful for the vaccine and the booster. I can’t imagine how bad this could have been. I understand that the bitter toothpaste can’t be put back in the tube and that it’s likely that most of us will get infected, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do everything we can to stop the spread. I should have done better. I will do better going forward. 

Edited again: I got my results. No COVID. So, this was the flu. I feel like I got a second chance to improve my habits. 

 

Photo by Nur Andi Ravsanjani Gusma from Pexels

Bring on 2022. I guess.

Posted on by under Family

I’m not getting excited for a new year. Bring on 2022. I guess

Lucy Van Pelt can only fool me so many goddamn times. I’m not Charlie Brown.

I am, however, Charlie Brown’s first cousin who is easily fooled over and over.

Full disclaimer: I have no cousins named Charlie Brown. But when I was a kid, there was this amusement park ride that I would ride with my dad that darted in and out and came close to other cars. You know the one, I just suck at descriptions. Anyway, when we would be at the point where it seemed we would crash into another car, we would yell “Watch out Charlie Brown”. Also, when Randy was a kid and played baseball, his mom would come to the games and yell “Hit a homer, Charlie Brown”. So it’s kind of like Randy and I are both related to Charlie Brown. Also, I am very tired. The holidays are exhausting, yo. 

Don’t misunderstand me.

This is not me giving up.This is me, extending both arms as far as I can and extending my middle fingers.

This is me saying that I get to decide that I get to find joy. This is me accepting outrage is always around the corner and outrage can suck my dick. This is me deciding that I am goddamn thrilled to be alive. It is glorious to exist.

I think if that if we make that a yoga move, it should be called the “go fuck yourself” pose. 

It’s been a while since I’ve been excited for Christmas. I guess having a failed game show host as president and a plague puts a damper on things.

I was excited this year though. We spent Christmas evening with my family. It may be that was our last gathering for a while. You know, omicron and all.

Anyway, it couldn’t have been more pleasant. We ate good food, played games and exchanged gifts.

My gorgeous daughter in law gave me this. I love her like frozen crazy.

dish towel gift

You guys, I pulled something off this Christmas that I have never done before.

I surprised Randy.

We’ve shared 27 Christmases and this is the first time I surprised him.

I got him a gift and successfully kept it a complete secret. For months. I feel like I need an award for this or something.

I told you guys a few months ago that a Twitter friend gifted Randy with a guitar. There are two guitars that Randy has always wanted. He got the Telecaster a few months ago.

I got him a turquoise Epiphone Wildkat semi-hollow body.

guitar

I have no idea what any of those words mean, other that I understand turquoise as both a color and a rock and I also really want to pronounce “Epiphone” as “epiphany”. Also, I of course, get that it’s a guitar. It’s very pretty. I just don’t play any instruments or have any musical talent, so I had to guess.

I guessed right.

This secret fucking killed me. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to tell him what was under my mother’s bed.

I had it shipped to my mom’s house because he would have figured out what was in a guitar sized box under our tree. 

On Christmas eve, when I was jumping out of my skin because I only had one more sleep to go, Randy was telling me about this site called “Reverb” where musicians sell equipment.

I was aware of that site. Because that is where I bought his guitar.

I’m not going to lie, that was kind of cruel on the part of the universe to put me through that.

I had to respond with a semi-interested “uh huh” rather than “OMFG I KNOW because I shop there”.

Also, we usually celebrate with my parents and sisters and assorted spawn and spouses on Christmas eve. That got changed to Christmas day. I had a day of waiting tacked on and I also had to get a decoy gift.

So, in addition to a guitar, Randy got a pair of cashmere gloves.

Here’s to hoping he doesn’t lose them.

Here’s to deciding that 2022 will be what we make it.

We don’t get to control much, but we can still be happy. We still get joy.

I’m not looking for bright shiny horizons or baby angels riding on unicorns. I’m just saying, let’s kick 2022 in the ass.

Spending Money Like An Adult

Posted on by under Humor

At the end of next June, we will have lived in this house for 4 years.

We’ve known, since we moved in, that there was a slight carbon monoxide leak from the water heater.

Obviously, one does not want a carbon monoxide leak. So, we did what any responsible adult would do.

We cracked open a basement window. You know, to let the carbon monoxide out. For over three years.

I mean, it wasn’t that bad of a leak because, well, we’re not dead.

Recently, the water heater came back into focus because our furnace didn’t seem to be working.

The furnace made noise, but neglected to put forth heat. Not that we would have missed it much this winter. Holy shit.

Anyway, when the heater dude was here, he brought the carbon monoxide leak to Randy’s attention again and we decided the “open a window” approach could no longer be viewed as anything but stupid.

So, getting the new water heater wasn’t a small thing. They had to drill a hole in the side of our house.

In the end, the water heater was about twice as expensive as I had hoped.

Plus, I see no difference. The water comes out of the faucets. Same as before.

That was the most money I had ever spent on anything besides a house or a car. The water heater was like a ghost. I mean, I guess there was a significant benefit, but it’s not one I can see.

I guess the only difference I see is that I don’t fall asleep as easy at night.

It was more fun spending money when I was young.

I had a few short years between being old enough to work and drive, but young enough to have no bills or financial obligation to anyone. Man, those were fun years to spend money.

I think the only thing that I hated spending money for back then was gas. I hated putting gas in my car because my car was a piece of shit and broke down all the time.

Who wants gas just sitting in the tank it that situation? That gas money could be used to get into a club or something. Or bus fare.

I went to the gas station every day so I could dribble just enough petrol into my tank.

You guys, that’s a hard habit to break. I was probably in my 40s before I could fill up my gas tank without feeling anxious about it.

Still, spending money was still more fun.

Although, I wish I had back all the money I spent on Aqua Net and roll-on lip gloss.

I’d probably be able to pay off a car.

Perhaps, spending money like an adult isn’t as fun, but I am super glad we got a new water heater.

Next, we’re getting the driveway leveled and a new roof. At least. I will be able to see the results of that grown up money spent.

These projects have been hanging over our heads since we moved in. It will feel good to get them done. I’m also happy that none of our current issues could potentially kill us.

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I think I might have a future as a life coach.