Author Archives: Michelle

Soul Wrenching Shin Whack

Posted on by under Humor

So, I had this thing happen. Super unpleasant. I can still feel it.

You guys, we’ve been locked in so long now. It’s just stupid. I don’t mean that staying safe is stupid. Not at all. It’s just so fucking stupid to be in your own stupid fucking bedroom for a stupid number of months. I mean, We’re fine. Seriously. Fine, We’re fine.

Anyway, we’ve made some new “booze” rules and those rules include “During the week, we can have one or two, but not every night” rule.

Tonight, we opted for the “one or two” part and we decided on two.

So, we had three, and then I took the booze to stash in the office.

But the light was off and I didn’t notice the guitar amplifier in the middle of the floor. Even though it has been there for over a year. Maybe two.

My shin hit that amplifier so hard that the one remaining mushy egg in my left ovary winced.guitar amplifier

I felt it behind my knee, down to my ankle and up my femur. At least I think it’s my femur. I didn’t fucking go to medical school.

I made up a few curse words. Two of which guarantee me a suite in a sub-basement of hell.

Then, I decided to lay down and watch TV for a bit. Because my shin hurt.

Randy graciously listened to me whine about my shin multiple times and I ran my hand over my shin.

I had a goose egg.

Also, I was impressed with how soft the hair on my legs is. I had a moment where I considered going through the “de-yeti” process. But seriously, what’s the point? No one in my house considers the hair on my legs.

Well, I guess I did, but only for a minute.

I’m a klutz. I have always been a klutz.

I have burned myself more than the average person. I’ve given myself concussions in ridiculous ways. Once, I burned my own armpit because I spilled coffee in it. Trust me, it’s possible. I got melted cheese stuck in my eyelashes once.

My point is, pain is part of who I am. My fellow klutz’s understand this.

So when I say I fucking hurt my fucking shin. Goddamn, it hurt.

And I thought about it. Why was this pain so familiar? Why did it make me feel a little achy about wanting something from my past, like “ago” past?

I remembered when my shins felt this way all the time. All the way back in the seventies, when roller skating was my thing. I was 12.

My fucking shins ached all the time. I didn’t suck at rollers skating, but I’ve already confessed to being klutz.

I had some shining moments, but if you put wheels on my feet? My shins are going to suffer.

It’s been well over an hour now. I still feel the goose egg on my shin.

If I had a choice, sure, I’d rather not be feeling this, but since it did happen? Not unhappy about some of the memories it dredged up.

Like I said, we’ve been locked in for a long time now. A year.

But back in 1976? I had a killer dance to Jungle Boogie that I did on skates.

And I could mostly do it without wiping out. I’d rather remember this and smile, at least for a minute, while my shin is still throbbing instead of crying over what we’ve lost. We all deserve a moment or two, right?

It’s going to be a long goddamn time before anything becomes our new normal. But I think we might at least be heading in the right direction.

I hope you all are staying safe.

 

 

 

I Can Take A Punch

Posted on by under Life

Randy and I were discussing celebrity chefs and I was reminded of a family reunion.

Our baby boy, Joey will be 23 on April Fool’s day.

When he was 2, we attended a family reunion on Randy’s side of the family. There were dozens and dozens of people there, so you know, it was my personal hell.

Holy shit, you guys, the only thing I hate more than large gatherings is my yearly lady parts exam. Which I haven’t scheduled yet. I’m 6 months behind. 

Anyway, we were at this family reunion and Joey happened upon a cousin who was very nearly the same age as he was. My baby boy lit up and he ran over to this little human who was about the same size as him.

What happened is his cousin immediately balled up his little toddler fists and knocked my son on his ass.

I watched this happen and even though my heart had been broken a hundred times before, it broke again. Joey wasn’t hurt. He fell on to the ground, but honestly, he was still in diapers, he was already close to the ground. But still, I watched a little bit of his innocence die in that moment. I watched his face go from a big fat smile, to shock and a little fear.

It broke my heart, but there was another part of me, an older and more practical part of me that thought, “and thus starts the lesson.”

There’s a point to this, I promise.

So, Randy and I were talking about Gordon Ramsey. We’ve watched many of his cooking shows over the years.

This evening, Randy watched a clip of his and made a decision.

Randy: I’m not watching Gordon Ramsey anymore. He’s a dick.

Me: That’s fair.

Randy: Seriously, he treats people like shit. He’s an abuser.

I thought about this. And I thought about people like me. People who can take a punch.

fist

We wear this like a badge of honor. Life may have not been easy, but we’ve proven ourselves. Abuse us, misuse us, but we keep coming back. We can take a punch.

But should we be able to? I mean, really?

I’m not saying that we aren’t due the strength we get from injury, we are due that strength. I’m not saying that we all don’t need to learn how to deal with difficult people. There will always be difficult people. But there is a very wide line between knowing how to deal with the occasional jerk and knowing how to take a punch.

I’m saying that so much of pain could be avoided. I think Randy is right to no longer give his attention to people who are famous mostly for being abusive dicks.

So many of us take this abusive behavior and we pat ourselves on the back for being tough enough to take a punch.

But really, shouldn’t we all be reacting the same way Joey did the first time he got knocked on his ass? We shouldn’t get used to being treated badly.

I know this is oversimplifying everything.

I just think we should be nicer to each other.

On the other hand, we really need to learn to take less shit.

And fuck Gordon Ramsey, he’s an abusive twat.

 

A conversation one never expects to have

Posted on by under Humor

So this happened.

A conversation one never expects to have.

Randy walked into the bedroom on a Wednesday evening. The weather is cold. We’ve been locked in forever. We’ve both had headaches and quite frankly, every one living in my house is getting on each other’s nerves.

Randy: Hey? Did I shave off my eyebrows?

Me:…

Me:…

Me: Dude.

Me:…

Me: Why the fuck did you shave off your eyebrows?

Then, Randy just started talking about other stuff. We had a long conversation comparing music to baseball and it was a super fun conversation, but I really had to circle back.

Me: Okay, so really. Why are your eyebrows mostly gone, exactly?

Randy: I was just trimming the gray out.

Me:…

Me:…

Me: You are such a ding dong. You’re 60. Your eyebrows are mostly gray.

Me: And they are mostly gone.

Me: Weirdo.

Randy: Seriously, what difference does it make?

Me: It makes a difference. I’m not saying that you need eyebrows to have a good life, but you look freaky with no fucking eyebrows.

Me: So, we can agree that next time you want to groom anything on your face, I will take care of it?

Randy:…

Randy: I’m not agreeing to that.

Me: You lost your rights after the whole “your appendix had gangrene before you mentioned you felt poorly” thing.

Randy: Not the same

Me: It’s under the same umbrella. Sorry. I don’t make the rules.

Randy:…

Me: I totally make the rules. No more shaving off your eyebrows.

Randy: I’m shaving my head tomorrow.

Joey walked in because he heard the topic and had to see what was going on.

Joey: What the fuck, dad?

Joey: You’re just going to look more scary to other people when you go to the grocery.

Randy: Seriously, I thought if I wore my sunglasses and double masked, nobody would notice I shaved off my eyebrows.

Me: And this is why I drink.

We started listening to music and the whole eyebrow debacle came to a close. Other than Randy has almost no eyebrows.

Also, no way he’s shaving his head.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing good as we all dive into 2021! We’re doing great!