“I choose to believe it’s human remains” – Me to my youngest sister earlier today.
Let me explain.
Author Archives: Michelle
Narcissism: OMG No. No, It Will Not Get Better
I joined a group online a few years ago.
A support group for empaths dealing with the aftermath of narcissism.
It took until today for me to realize this is not a group I should belong to.
Not because I’m not an empath. I am. Not because I don’t deal with the aftermath of narcissism. I do. But because I want to get out of the goddamn swamp.
Nearly all the content are people lamenting about the behavior of the person they are in a relationship with and how they just really hope that person will change.
Wait? What?
They are in a group, specifically geared toward narcissism, yet they’re waiting for the narcissist to treat them well?
I don’t understand any of this.
At first, I just answered people as best I could, which meant saying “Get out now. No contact is the only way.”
Of course, I realize not every situation is the same.
Nearly always, when it comes to being a in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, the best solution is to not be in a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Then, I spent a long time just looking at the post through my fingers. Like, I knew it bothered me, but I wanted to be supportive. I couldn’t respond anymore because it was just frustrating.
I realized today, that I just had to be done with it. If a person joins a group about malignant narcissism, then one must assume they have more than a casual understanding of malignant narcissism.
So why is there post after post of people bemoaning the sad state of their relationship?
In one case, it was someone who hadn’t even been in the relationship long.
They were supposed to meet up for a date and the poster had fallen asleep and was 45 minutes late. They wrote this long post about apologizing over and over. They knew they messed up by oversleeping, but the narc in their life was just torturing them over the transgression and did they ruin the relationship forever? By oversleeping?
I read the post and read it again.
I scrolled back and read a number of other posts. Most every post was the person talking about how they bleed empathy and how hard their life is and how, oh how, can I save this broken person who belittles and hurts me? How can I salvage this relationship? Also, I am a saint.
And it dawned on me.
Holy shit.
How many of these people are covert narcissists?
How many are getting their supply by pouring their hearts out over how selfless and loving they are, but continue to be beaten down by the narc in their life?
I’m not saying it’s all of them. Or even most of them.
I don’t think I’m becoming more cynical with this realization, I think I’m growing.
There is such a problem with narcissism in this country. We are literally surrounded by this particular mental illness.
I guess I’m always going to be learning.
Still, had to be done with that group. I got nothing from it but annoyed.
Photo courtesy of Meelimello
My Brain Is A Dick
It is safe and accurate to say that I am a “worst case scenario” kind of person.
My brain is a dick. It can take any situation and make it cosmically horrible.
I don’t really have much defense against the situation, it’s easier to just roll with it.
Mostly, this happens when I’m sitting alone on my front porch or in the shower.
As soon as I get some peace and quiet and serenity is just within my reach, my brain goes “Oh, yeah. It’s time. You know what could happen, right?”
And then the elaborate and horrifying fantasies are woven.
Last week was difficult. I mean, not just because it’s 2020.
2020, right? What a weird, fucked up year this has been. In 50 years, any school American History text books should be titled “What the Shuddering Fuck Happened in 2020?”
It was a gut wrenching week at work. We upgraded our main server and failure was not an option. This project has been looming over my head nearly since I started this job 6 years ago.
My boss and I were talking the morning we switched over. He knows me well and asked how I was holding up.
Me: Well, I had to consider all the bad things that could happen.
Boss: Yeah, if it all fails that would be bad.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA, Amateur. That scenario is actually on the plus side.
Boss:…
Me: Worst case scenario is the upgrade somehow triggers an event that makes the planet crack down the middle like a nut. The two halves hurtle into nothingness and all of creation is gone.
Boss: Okay?
Me: Next is the upgrade somehow creates a new version of COVID. COVID 20. And it kills 99.5 percent of all humans and the only ones who survive are racist fucks and then they self destruct in 5 years. But at least the animals will thrive then. Which is fair.
Boss: How many of these are there?
Me: I have a list.
Boss: Maybe skip ahead a little.
Me: Okay, so the upgrade fails, it is entirely my fault. I lose my job. Randy and I lose everything and we end up living in a studio apartment above a liquor store. And we don’t have health insurance.
Boss: You know that isn’t going to happen.
Me: Really? How would I know? Am I psychic? Do you think I’m psychic?
Boss: How is that scenario in the plus column?
Me: Well, at least there is a possibility to move forward from there. I mean, if we could survived living on Ramen noodles and drinking cheap beer. You know. From the liquor store. The owner gives us a discount because he feels sorry for us.
Boss: It’s going to be fine.
And it was.
I mean, we didn’t get to have no hiccups or anything.
I’ve never been involved in a project of this kind where shit didn’t shake out.
It’s stressful and not fun, but it always works out.
So, I got that over with. Kind of. The next few weeks will probably involve some more shit shaking out, but so far, it’s not horrible. I don’t think the earth will crack in two.
I decided that if my brain was going to continue to be a dick and torture me with ridiculous, dystopian fantasies, that I would counter with something for which I am grateful.
I am infinitely grateful that I got to hear KD Lang cover Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.
Her voice is perfect. The song is sad, but still makes me feel comforted.
I’m sorry for all the humans who lived and died before they got to hear KD Lang sing this song.
I am grateful for this. Even my asshole brain agrees.
Image courtesy of DarkmoonArt_de.