Awkward: Super Hero Level

I have written about my younger son quite a bit on this blog. I also have an older son, Zach. He’s 26 years old and when he was born, I was suddenly able to see a whole new spectrum of colors.

He moved in with his girlfriend a little less than a year ago. His girlfriend is a lovely person and we’ve gotten to know each other, at least somewhat.

Last week, they met me for lunch.

I already have a thing about wanting people to like me. It’s especially important for my son’s girlfriend to like me.

Mothers and sons can be weird. I think we try too hard to insinuate ourselves into our adult son’s lives when we should be letting go. It’s not easy to be replaced by another woman, (or man), but it’s mostly inevitable and we need to be graceful about it.

I attempted to help my son’s girlfriend understand that I would in no way be the ‘pain in the ass’ mother and that I have no problem stepping aside. I did this in the most awkward way possible.

I saw a post on Facebook. It was a sign entitled ‘Rules For Dating My Son’ and when I read it, I thought…wow…these are really fucking horrible rules. For instance, one said something about ‘Remember that I can make you leave whenever I want’. I am paraphrasing, but it was close. And that wasn’t the only bad rule on the list.

I can’t imagine interfering in my son’s life to the extent I would attempt to destroy his adult relationships.

So…we’re at lunch. There is absolutely NO good reason I should speak to Zach’s girlfriend about how I would never interfere. That is not a necessary conversation. You just DON’T interfere and the other person will figure this out.

Instead, I decide to tell Zach’s GF about this sign I’ve seen posted..but I don’t preface it with ‘I agree with none of this’ I just start telling her about the sign.

For fuck’s sake, you sound like you’re threatening the girl.

I don’t want her to think I’m threatening her! I want her to like me. I want a good relationship! So, my superpower kicked in and I said this:

I’m not threatening you.

After that, I just babbled incoherently for a few minutes while my son looked at me with that little grin he has and slowly shook his head. He’s known me his whole life, he understood I had good intentions.

Our food came, for which I was grateful. Plus, I was having a BLT. Fucking bacon.

I changed the subject and asked her about her birthday. It’s this month and I had a few ideas for gifts.Then I said something that was not only offensive to HER, but to all of you who like Vera Bradley bags.

I said, I’ll just get you an old lady Very Bradley bag.

She said, Oh! I have TWO. I love them!

I said, Really? Because those are some ugly ass old lady bags.

I really hope they come for Thanksgiving.

If awkwardness is my superpower, then I need a kick ass alter-ego name. So far, I have these:

  • The Awkwardessa
  • Truly Anxious (And she could have a theme song like Truly Scrumptious in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
  • Tremblina
  • Queen Valium Of The Ozarks
  • Amazing Graceless
  • Hagatha Maximus (She’s not evil, just misunderstood)

Do you have any ideas for a new and improved alter-ego name?  Just one?




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  • As someone who walks around with her foot permanently entrenched where a molar should be, I can but empathise 🙂
    How about The Duchess of ‘Dang’?

  • Your only problem here is that it bothers you. I once walked into my girlfriend’s apartment and found several of her friends over. I looked at her and said, loudly, “I saw a little plaque in a catalogue I’m going to get for you. It has a picture of a pig on it and says ‘Please God, if you won’t make me thin, make all my friends fat.'”
    Awkward level : 0.0
    If you don’t like me, it makes my day more fun.

    • Ha! I have a long way to go before I can say that I don’t care whether or not people like me. Although, I HAVE made improvements..

    • I really like her. She’s a sweet girl and she makes my son very happy. He was unhappy in a bad way for a LOOOONG time..

  • I LOVE THIS. You could be my spokesperson. I often come home and mull over the things I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have said but did anyway. Actually often before I say them I literally have a voice in my head admonishing and commanding that I don’t “say it” but I do. Coincidentally it’s the same voice that tells me not to open the fridge door at 1 am to look for those left over nachos and then points out that I’m not any happier as I scarf them down. As for the son/mother/possible future daughter-in-law thing I just try my best to be the polar opposite of my current mother-in-law. My husband’s family has this thing called “one of ours”. You can’t marry into the family- you can only be born into it (everyone jokes about it but there is an underlying tone to the humor that makes no secret of the resentment this has caused). No matter how hard I tried to make that connection (not just for myself but for my son who was 5 years old at that time)it was always rebuffed. So I try my best to be as welcoming as possible and hope whoever he is dating will overlook my tendency to say horrible things on occasion* (ahem *quite often). Right now he’s dating a lovely girl and they’re coming up on their first year anniversary. I quite like her and could even see myself loving her like a daughter so I hope he “keeps” her.

    • I’m glad I’m not the only one!

      Yes, I like this girl a lot. She’s very sweet and she makes him happy. I’m really hoping she just didn’t hear the ‘I’m not threatening you’ comment. No one said anything. I can’t fucking believe I said that.

  • As the mother of two boys (albeit, way too young for me to worry about befriending girlfriends yet) I read those “rules” and was pretty much disgusted. I got to tell my step-mom-in-law once (who thought it was funny to pick on and undermine her grown son’s girlfriend of 6+ years) that the woman having sex with a guy will trump his mom any day of the week *and* if she kept it up she better get used to the idea of never seeing her future grandkids. Damn, that was a satisfying moment. My mother-in-law being in earshot may have helped my enjoyment factor.

    And also, I totally have those super hero moments. Captain Awkwardness. (I am so not creative) And I agree, at some point one of the girlfriends might just become “family” so she gets to live with all the crazy anyhow. Might as well let her in on it early. Informed choices and all that.

    • So you saw the one I was talking about..horrible, right??

      And THAT had to be fun..telling her off…Good for you!

      I guess it is best she know what she is in for. Hopefully she will see past the awkwardness and know that I’m pretty decent.

  • Oh dear Lord I am laughing so hard. Ican so relate. It seems I often open my mouth and insert my foot, even when I rehearse these things in my mind. In fact, rehearsal does nothing but ensure disastrous results and much rambling and blabbering.
    My sisters and I joke about our other personalities, or alters, doing the embarrassing stuff. Mine is named Trudy, but I don’t know why.

    • Trudy…I like it. I find that rehearsing usually makes it worse. 🙁

      Oh well..I think the moment has passed, My son hasn’t called to tell me I scared the shit out of gf or anything..and he would.

  • I have a feeling you’d fit in incredibly well with some of my better friends as well, which is awesome. I already know you have amazing taste in music, and making situations accidentally awkward is worth a few points as well. :p

  • I once made one of those “In Soviet Russia…” jokes in college. To a girl who had in fact come from Soviet Russia. I mean, she was in elementary school, like me, when the Berlin Wall came down, but yeah….

    • Yeah, I’m fond of that one. And no, she would NOT…she would, however, walk around with lipstick on her teeth and her fly undone.

  • Oh, my! I can so relate to this. In all types of situations I get off on the bad foot. I can’t imagine when my son wants me to meet his girlfriend (18 and 22 and no one worth bringing home yet). On the flip side I just avoid talking to my daughters husband. It seems better that way.

  • I think we all have our peculiarities around people. Especially those that we are trying to get to know or impress. I have a knack for saying the absolutely wrong thing or trying too hard to make conversation.

    I’m pretty sure I’ve seen these Vera Bradley bags of which you speak…you’re right, ugly ass old lady bags.

  • LOL. Oh my goodness, this is incredible.
    Well, speaking from the girlfriend’s point of view (I am soon to meet my boyfriend’s mum for the first time), I can assure you she probably left and asked your son about it. And I’m SURE he explained you weren’t meaning it seriously, she probably feels like she messed up as much as you feel that way!

    • Oh god…I hope she doesn’t feel bad. I saw my son yesterday and he didn’t say anything about maybe it wasn’t so bad

  • OMG, this is HYSTERICAL! I HATE Vera Bradley! My husband (who is in upscale women’s accessories) thinks some celeb must have been carrying her grandma’s knitting bag and been shot by the paparazzi. How else can you explain the mass market for something so completely odious???

  • Loved reading this! I’m sure this will turn into a hilarious story you guys can look back upon a few Thanksgivings down the road.

  • You are so honest I love you. I’m going through the exact same thing except my son’s girlfriend has moved in here! Really! I have to make room for her vegan food in the fridge. Not that there’s anything wrong with that 🙂 You seriously make me laugh out loud.

    • Haha..I’m glad it made you laugh. I can laugh NOW, but at the time I was seriously sweaty and uncomfortable.

  • I’m the Queen of Dork, to my closest friends…

    My kids aren’t old enough for me to have that happen, yet, but I’m sure it’s coming. I think I’ll just never go out to lunch with them and their future bfs, because they’ll probably have to be like, “My mom’s coming. Let’s just break up NOW, ok?”

    On the flip side, I find that if I’m babbling and something really awkward comes out, I can just babble on, and hope they missed it. Hey, “Babble On”…Hmm. That could work.

    • that’s what I’m counting on…that the worst of it got lost in the barrage of senseless words that I was spewing.

By Michelle


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