Back To Reality

B

Four days and three nights nestled in the tree tops with our mountain friends.

Holy shit, you guys, other than a slightly rocky start to the weekend, we couldn’t have asked for a better time.

I won’t go into detail a whole lot about the rocky start. We will just say that it resulted in my knee being scraped up, a busted chin, and leave it at that.

I am falling down way too much these days. I’m definitely gonna end up with a new hip.

While we were wrapped in the comforting embrace of our mountain friends, the video of my Listen To Your Mother performance released on YouTube.

Here is a breakdown, by time:

00:01 – Don’t vomit. Don’t blow snot out of your nose holes. 

00:02 – What if I forgot how to read?

00:30 – Good. Your voice isn’t all wavery. Is wavery a word? Shaky? I don’t know. Pay attention. You’re gonna lose your place. 

00:58 – Why in the FUCK did I think having the word ‘confiscated’ was a good idea. Don’t stumble. 

01:00 – Oh good. You stumbled over ‘electronic’ instead. 

02:17 – Okay, now we’re going to talk about what it was like to talk about sex when I was a kid. So make sure to try to make eye contact with your mom!

03:28 – Not crazy about the ‘hot waffles’ comment. 

04;09 – This part is boring. I wonder if I left the oven on?

04:15 – Fucking hell. I bet I did leave the oven on. 

05:12 – I feel sweat in my butt crack. Holy shit. I bet I have humongous pit stains. 

05:44 – Maybe getting on stage and admitting to hundreds of people that you suck as a mom wasn’t a great idea. 

06:16 – Almost finished. At least they laughed. 

06:43 – Okay then. We did it. FUCK. YES. 

That might not be entirely accurate, but it’s goddamn close.

Between this and the Huffpost Live segment I did, I’ve been looking at myself way more than I’m accustomed to. Where the fuck do my lips go when I’m not speaking? They tuck into my mouth giving me that expression that all politicians use when they’re about to admit to sexual misconduct.

You guys, here is the other thing I discovered about the Listen To Your Mother videos from my show.

I’m in every single one of them.

Every. Single. Video.

The way the camera sets up puts me in everyone else’s performance. When I realized that, I had that little panicky steely pinch grasp the back of my neck. Holy fuck. My coughing meltdown. It’s on goddamn video. The performance following mine is the one where I had an asthma attack. I think I hid the attack pretty well. I looked around, just before leaving my seat, and I could see the trapped panic on my face. At least, my face hadn’t turned as purple as my dress yet.

I flipped through the other videos but I haven’t watched all the other videos yet. I’m afraid to. I get bored sitting still for so long. I fidget like a motherfucker and I’m pretty sure I cried more than once during the readings. I feel bad for all the other performers. They should have sat someone in my chair who would have, at least, sat still for the whole show.

I guess it does me no good to fret over this. I guess facing reality is really the best choice.

Which I have to do now.

Back to work tomorrow.

I needed a few more days.

 

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