Something I’ve Learned

Is that I might be the devil.

Really.

So, Randy and I went to Petsmart on Saturday to get kitty food. There was a dog adoption event going on.

I went to see the puppies while Randy went to fetch the cat food.

There were about a dozen cages down the center aisle toward the back of the store. It was early, so there weren’t any people around the cages and the dogs were quiet.

I approached the first cage and as soon as the dog in the cage saw me, he started barking. Not a mean, snarly bark, but it wasn’t real friendly, barking dogseither.

I scooted on by him as I obviously got on his nerves.

Ooookay, buddy. Good luck finding that forever home. You might want to adjust your attitude.ย 

Then, the dog next to him looked at me and started barking.

Then, they all started barking.

Fucking hell, what is this?

Some of them went from barking to baying. Then, one howled.

I am not even kidding.

So, you know, I walked away. Because damn. And apparently, I am Damian from The Omen.ย 

The dogs all stopped barking once I walked away.

I’m pretty sure that scientifically proves that I am the devil.

I had no idea. Sorry about all the pain, suffering and evil.

I went to see the kitties and they didn’t react to me at all. But that doesn’t mean much because cats.

I found a little white and gray tabby that wanted to come home with us, but cool heads prevailed. Well, actually, Randy reminded me that Alfie shits on the rug if we change his brand of food. What’s he going to do if we bring home another cat?

He makes a good point. Alfie is a little asshole. And he loves me to death, he sleeps curled up next to me every night. Which is just further proof. Of course, an asshole cat like Alfie is going to be drawn to the devil.

Oh, and when we were leaving Petsmart? There were a handful of people milling about the adoption dog cages and not a single dog barked.

 

Photo courtesy of Ben Kerckx.

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Laura says:

    They probably smelled Alfie on you. You were a giant cat. Or maybe youโ€™re the devil. What do I know? Only what you tell me. But I do know is I enjoy reading whatever you write. It makes me so happy when RSIH is in my inbox!

    Reply
  2. FridayV says:

    Lol. Those were howls of respect for your epic fabulosity. (I don’t know you well enough to make some of Biggest Badass Bitch allusion. )

    Reply
  3. Haralee says:

    They could have smelled you as one really big cat or they sensed too much intuitiveness or yes you are the devil.

    Reply
  4. Spiked Lee says:

    When Monday mornings are rough, I wait until your email pops up on the phone, and then I can get out of bed so I can read it.
    I started decorating my handbasket (in which I will go to hell) when I was about 8. If you are the devil, I am SOOOO looking forward to not just the trip but the arrival!

    Reply
  5. laura says:

    Alfie is A dog hitman. he has marked you as his own. Every dog there was responding to the white carnation that Alfie has chemically places upon your neck while you sleep.

    you’re welcome

    Reply
    • Laura Nowak says:

      This was so funny!!! I have a very temperamental cat as well. Her name is Azzie. After Azkadila the witch from the TV movie Tin Man. Tells you a little about her!! I always get a big smile on my face when I see a new RSIH in my inbox!!! So who won with the tacky gift from Gatlinburg? Did I miss it somehow???

      Reply
  6. Lisa K says:

    Awesome revelations in a PetSmart???
    I always knew, ‘fuck church’ but, now, I have the scientific evidence I need.
    Good thing you’re a cat person – stupid dogs think they know everything AND they’re big blabbermouths… just sayin.’
    I KNEW I loved you for a reason.
    Good things… good things….
    ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
  7. Doug in Oakland says:

    Dogs get weird when there are a bunch of them together in cages. My brother used to live across a little field from a large kennel, and every so often the dogs would start barking and carrying on loudly. It sounded like a wave from one end of the building to the other until the whole place was howling, baying, and barking so loud that you couldn’t hear yourself think.
    Now, as an electric guitarist, I tend to not do much about other’s obnoxious noises, but my brother wasn’t like that.
    Usually he would walk over to the kitchen window, open it, light the fuse of an M-80 with his cigarette, throw it out the window, and close the window just in time for the BANG! and the eerie silence that followed…
    I would like to point out that as far as I know, unlike the devil, you’re not entirely fictional, if that helps any.

    Reply
  8. BarbaraM says:

    Dogs. Go figure. Maybe get Chris (Freethinkers Anonymous) to explain as he has some big ass dogs.
    Yay, Randy for having the best (worst?) sense of hillbilly redneck taste!

    Reply
  9. Maybe the dogs wanted you to take them home! It could’ve been love at first sight, Michelle.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Oh man…Alfie the kitty’s head would pop off if we brought home a dog. I went to visit my mom’s new little puppy and when I got home, he sniffed my fingers for 5 minutes and then stared at me like “Really, bitch?”

      Reply
  10. Diane says:

    That really is funny!

    I spent most of the weekend with a friend who was babysitting two large dogs, has one of her own, and a cat that was scared shitless because her house was invaded.

    She lived in the loft with me! Not that I was scarred (or scared) or anything. (Much.). Other than when the smallest and I mean small weighing more than I do dog tries to throw me into a tree on our hike. More than once.

    Cats rule. Mika aka the beautiful cat also bit her owner in protest. I admit I laughed. It is not encouraged for people to bite so I cheered her on. Do it again!

    Reply
  11. As BarbaraM I live with some big dogs–Dalmatians, to be accurate, and I’ve been to a lot of dog shows and I’ve noticed dogs, being pack animals, sometimes tend to follow each other. One barks and the rest join in.
    “What are we barking about?”
    “Who the fuck knows? Ask Charlie. He started it.”
    And Charlie is over on the other side going, “HEY! HEY!” and can’t remember why he barked in the first place.
    Dogs are just weird sometimes, although if they could talk they’d probably say the same about us.

    Reply
  12. Mila says:

    I was getting coffee the other day. And there was this lady in front of me pouring herself coffee, so I stood there, for what I thought patiently. But then she was probably rushing and just began spilling shit all over the place. And then she began declaring DEVILS WORK in a super loud voice, and calling over to JESUS.
    Meanwhile, I stool there thinking ‘bitch, you’re just clumsy’. I might be devils work.

    Reply
  13. emelle says:

    I think this story is even more fucked up than the Aunt Shirley story, tbh. I can’t go to adoption events at all, because we live in a building with terribly friendly cats but inside our own apartment live the very selfish sibling cats who only love US and can’t handle being friends with Any Other people or animals.

    … Gertz tries, though. He comes by EVERY DAY and meows at the door, asking if Cocoa and Smokey can come out to play. It’s so sad.

    Reply