Billions And Billions And Why This Post Has Nothing To Do With Carl Sagan


It has nothing to do with Carl me. Other than the billions and billions reference.

I told you guys about my ‘silent’ ailment and how I’m getting phantom sinus infections from acid reflux.

I told you all about the doctor I saw and how arrogant he was and how it’s possible that he ate Rick Moranis.

Well, the other issue I have is that my family doctor treated me for the past two months as if I’ve had sinus infections. I was taking antibiotics or steroids more days in January and February than not.

Randy is concerned that I’ve killed off all the healthy bacteria in me and has decided to pump me full of probiotics. And get your goddamn minds out the of the gutter. It’s in pill form. 

Randy bought the pills with 9 different bacteria and over 90 billion live bacteria in every pill.

How do they fucking know? Is inspector 12 involved? Is she counting to make sure every pill has over 90 billion live bacteria? That would be a hard fucking job. Even if you counted by tens.

If I were inspector 8, I would fuck with her and walk by saying random numbers.

Inspector 12: GODDAMMIT, I was up to 37,188,875,091.

Inspector 12: 1, 2, 3, 4…

Before anyone sends me an email telling me how they know how many live bacteria are in each pill, I actually do know that someone isn’t standing there counting them.

It occurred to me, though, that maybe the fact that our bodies are just crawling with billions and billions of bacteria that live in our colons, that might explain random ass cheek buzzing.

You know how sometimes you ass cheek will buzz and you reach back to get your phone and your phone isn’t in your back pocket? Don’t say it’s never happened to you. I can’t be the only one who gets random ass cheek buzzing.

Maybe, that’s happening when all the bacteria get together for a rave. You know those little fuckers must organize every once in a while. Colon life can’t possibly be fun and everyone deserves a party now and then.

So anyway, I suppose by now my colon is filled with billions of happy and healthy, ass cheek buzzing bacteria.

Why does this make me feel like there aren’t enough showers in the world?


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  • Yeah… That’s kinda gross when you think about it. But look at the bright side! Get the “silent treatment” under control and some bacteria back in your body and they you can deteriorate your liver faster! Always a bright side!

  • Every so often I get the random ass buzzing, especially when I’ve sat for too long. Another thing you might try is yogurt (if you like it). Just make sure it’s active culture.

    My aunt and grandmother were inspectors 4 and 7 on the bacteria counting line.

      • I agree! I really, really WANT to love yogurt — I mean, they have such delicious sounding flavors! Boston Crème Pie, Strawberry Shortcake, Apple Pie (and yes, I realize I sounded like a Yoplait commercial just then). Every year or so, I’ll give in — thinking that it MUST taste delicious and I could be eating THAT instead of consuming a bazillion calories with the real thing — and I’ll buy a few containers. BLEAHHHHHHH! They are always hideous and TANGY — I HATE the TANG!

        • Yes! It’s the tastes ‘off’ and wrong. Like deer meat or something. Well..okay, deer meat and yogurt don’t taste the same at all…but they both taste wrong.

  • Oh, Jeebus, that’s funny. The post, not the health issues that inspired it. I can’t stop thinking that “Hey, baby, let me pump you full of probiotics” is a pickup line that might actually work on me.

    • It might actually work on me, too. Its absurdity would make me laugh, but it would definitely need a good follow-up comment.

      Sometimes one of my muscles will twitch and tingle and just be annoying. My eyelid used to do it a lot, but now it’s totally random. Is that what you mean by “ass cheek buzzing”?

      On a serious note, you may need to eat yogurt and homemade bread. Yogurt that has live and active cultures is good for your gut AND could help with your acid reflux. (Milk is basic, so it helps even out the acid in your tummy.) Storebought bread is technically made with yeast, but the yeast is killed by sterilization processes. Homemade stuff is still filled with all the yeasty goodness that helps keep you “regular.” At least that’s what my husband told me. He reads a lot of science-y stuff so I trust him. XD

      • Thank you! No makes me gag..but homemade bread? Now THAT sounds promising. I don’t drink a lot of milk, but I could drink more..I don’t mind milk.

        And the buzzing isn’t like the eyelid twitching. It really feels like a phone on vibrate mode.

        • I think that’s happened to me once or twice. It’s feels like a rather weak vibration, though, so maybe it really is just my muscles twitching.

          If you don’t like the texture of yogurt, you can always try it with granola or almonds and raisins in it. If the flavor bothers you… Sad. 🙁

  • Too funny. I get the eyelid twitching thing, but only when I’m stressed or really mad, so it’s probably not a probiotic thing…more like a Clint Eastwood thing.

    Homemade bread is all we eat, and we are never without yogurt, so maybe that explains the extreme lack of anything…randomly buzzing. (giggling) I’ve been off wheat for awhile, but what a great excuse to eat my beloved white sourdough bread! I could finish a whole loaf with butter because “It’s for my HEALTH OK!?”

  • Oooohhhh, so that’s what my husband meant when he said he wanted to pump me full of “medicine”. huh. No wonder he was surprised when I got naked and climbed into bed.
    glad your ass-workings are healthy again. You know. cuz everyone aspires to bacteria in their ass.

    • It’s what the cool kids are doing these days. Or at least I suspect they are.

      Okay, I have no idea what the cool kids are doing. Probably smoking weed and making fun of old people like me.

  • This is my favorite post of yours. It took everything in me not to start laughing. I mean… yeah, I’ve felt my phone buzz when my phone wasn’t anywhere near where I thought the buzzing came from…. but I never thought of a bacteria rave. That must be it. My eyes have been opened.

  • Hee hee hee, your mind is a very odd place, which is probably why I like you!
    I wouldn’t advise doing the milk or bread thing though.
    Milk can calm it temporarily, but then causes you to start creating more acid to compensate, ditto the bread. Different kind of bacteria to yoghurt and the kind you’re taking.
    Hope you get it under control. Mine won’t let me drink even one glass of wine this week, it’s being a dick!

    • It truly is an odd place..and I don’t write down all the stuff I think. Randy would have me locked up. And that sucks. I can’t drink at all, either. In fact…right now I’m suffering because I thought I could slack off a little because I’m taking medicine. Apparently, that was a bad decision.

  • You are freaking hilarious. I wish you could just send me text messages all day long. Oh wait, I have you on twitter. That’s good.

    Good luck with your gut bacteria. I don’t want you to be sick anymore. I’d almost resort to recommending voodoo things like essential oils.

    • Dude, I am ready to try anything. I am really glad I don’t have the sinus pressure….it’s awesome. But my stomach really hurts now. And I have to go to the dentist this morning.

      And I can’t drink this weekend.

      Oh, and that is quite a compliment coming from one as hilarious as yourself. 🙂

By Michelle


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