I Bought A Black Soul To Help Me Live A Better Life


My main car broke down two weekends ago.

The repairs ended up being only slightly painful, but the stress I felt over the break down kicked my ass.

Our back up car, a 2003 Nissan Altima, had over two hundred thousand miles on it. No air.

The driver’s side window fell down into the door, so Randy and Joey took the door panel off to fix the window.

They were not successful in fixing the window.

They were also not successful in getting the door panel back on.

The plastic over the window was taped on with flowered duct tape.

See? I’m not fucking around when I say we’re the Clampett’s of the neighborhood.

Without the door panel, you could only open the driver’s side door from the inside by pulling this little silver knob at the end of a floppy cable.

I had to be driven to work in that car two days in a row. Joey is the usual driver. He’s only 17, he can take the heat. Plus, it’s normal for a kid to drive a piece of shit. As much as I’d like to say I’ve completely stopped caring about what other people think, I did not like getting out of the shit mobile at my new job. How long do I call this my ‘new’ job? I’ve been there just over 9 months. 

After my ‘good’ car broke down, we decided the Nissan could no longer be our back up.

So, I did what any responsible adult would do before buying a car and extensively researched our best options.

By ‘extensively researched’ I mean, I sent Middle Sister a text asking her if she’d buy her car again. Middle Sister does her research. She is thorough and complete when she researches. She responded that she would and then explained how she reached her conclusion.

Why reinvent the wheel? So, we went out to buy a car like Middle Sister’s car.

My money management skills are abstract at best. I was thrilled that I got a decent rate on a loan. I only had to wait 52 years to actually feel like a grown up for a few hours.

I texted Middle Sister when I got home.

Me: I bought a Soul. Not a human soul. 2014. Black.

Middle Sister: Why would you buy a black Soul when your soul is already black?

You can tell we’re related.

I have been driving my new car this week. I’m trying to pretend like the second car payment and increase in insurance won’t be a big deal. I’m trying to be goddamn positive.

Anyway, if the black Soul could talk, this is what it would say to me:

If you maintain me, I promise to break down fewer times than normal. Really, I’m not kidding. Whatever you do, don’t let Randy or Joey take anything off me. Watching youtube repair videos doesn’t make them certified mechanics.

Remember, cars are your friend. Yes, we are guilty of being a financial drain and anxiety  source. Instead of dwelling on negatives, think about good car memories. Seriously, think good things about me or I’ll spray oil on you.

If you let Joey drive me and trash me out, then I’m breaking down on a bridge. During rush hour. Don’t test me. 

Do your Christmas shopping early this year. Last year was a nightmare. 

I have no idea how my car knows about my shopping from last year, but it does appear to have my best interest at heart.




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By Michelle


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