Break A Leg

Posted on by under Humor

I’ve never auditioned for anything.

Not only have I never auditioned for anything, the possibility of auditioning has never been on my radar.

Fine, I might have cast myself in a few movies, but who hasn’t?

I am clueless about so much. I live in a Michelle bubble and apparently, my bubble is hard to penetrate.

I had never heard of the show Listen To Your Mother until a few months ago. I watched some of the performances from different cities on YouTube and they were funny and poignant.

I sent an essay in for the Indianapolis show and then promptly forgot about it.

HAHAFUCKINGHAHA. That’s a lie. I didn’t forget. 

Okay, maybe I didn’t forget about it, but I didn’t think I’d get an audition, either.

You guys, I got an audition.

Maybe nerves will set in next Saturday when I have the audition. So far, anxiety over this doesn’t exist. This is odd, because anxiety usually plays a huge part in any situation where I might suddenly fall into awkward behavior. So you know, all situations. I’ve never auditioned for anything, so I couldn’t possibly know for sure, I have to imagine that it’s a high risk event for awkward behavior.

I guess my anxiety isn’t bubbling up because I’m cool with getting rejected for this audition. I’m thrilled they asked me to come in and read my essay. It’s not like I don’t want to be selected, but I’m not on pins and needles over it. Just being asked has been enough for me.

So this is where you tell me to ‘break a leg’ right?

I could google this, but that would involve opening another tab and it’s really early, but the reason we tell performers to break a leg is because it’s unlucky to wish them luck, right? So, to ward off bad luck, you wish something sucky on them.

Why breaking a leg, though?

Couldn’t we be more creative when it comes to wishing something shitty on a person?

“Have bad sex for a year!”

“Lose your eye sight!”

“Get a foreclosure notice!”

“Spontaneously combust!”

“Become a compulsive gambler!”

“Get a head cold!”

“Have an enema!”

Although, that last one doesn’t work, does it? One doesn’t ‘accidentally’ have an enema.

Husband, sitting down to read the paper: “What the….? An enema?”

Wife, calling from the other room: “Honey, can you take out the trash?”

Husband: “I can’t, I am accidentally having an enema.”

Wife, entering the room: “We need to talk. After 3 times in one week, these enemas can no longer be called an accident.”

And scene.

This time next week, Randy and I will be on our way to Indianapolis for my audition. The weather today is fucking horrible. We’re snowed in. I hope the weather next week is better. Because it would be like me to slip and fall in the parking lot.

I’d probably sprain an ankle.

 

 

 

 

 

72 Thoughts.

  5. Best audition for me. For the tapping extravaganza, 42nd Street. I didn’t tap but pretended I did. (Thought I could learn how before the show opened). They informed me I could take my not-so-happy-feet and leave the premises. One guy though liked my hutzpah. Got me and an audition for another show. Where I nailed it. Moral of the story. You never know where that broken leg will take you. Have fun! (and a great post btw…)

    Reply

  6. I’ll have to check out Listen to Your Mother- I’m not familiar what with the childless rock I live under. I like the idea of spontaneous combustion. You can rise from the ashes like a bad-assed phoenix to kick the shit outta that audition!

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  7. Don’t mention The Scottish Play either. If you’re wondering The Scottish Play is by Shakespeare and is about a Scottish lord who becomes king pretty much by killing everyone who stands in his way. This makes his wife crazy.

    I hope it’s okay to summarize The Scottish Play. I think it’s just saying the play’s actual name that’s bad luck. Aside from a few bit parts in school plays and a cameo as a drunk, suicidal clown in a very low-budget film my theatrical experience is very limited. I guess I’ll find out if I get an enema today.

    Reply

    • I believe I’ve heard of that before..a vague memory. I mean, you could have replaced ‘Scottish play’ with ‘episode 37 of ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’ and I would have believed you.

      Reply

  8. A broken leg would keep you from performing. None of those other ill-wishes would do that. (Except maybe spontaneous combustion.) And not being able to preform is the worst wish on any performer.

    And auditions, while somewhat nerve wracking, aren’t the same as being nervous in real life. Maybe it’s something about knowing you are being judged as opposed to wondering if you are.

    The good news is I have been auditioning for 20+ years and seem to have survived, so you will too!

    Anyway, break a leg and let them see how great you are!

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  9. Have a surprise “change of life” pregnancy! Get accosted by a gaggle of evangelicals out to save your soul! Fall in love with your brother-in-law!

    Congrats, Michelle…when can we read your essay?

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    • Oh god…change of life pregnancy..the horror.

      It’s a rewrite of a post I already posted here about having ‘the sex’ talk with my son. I also had it on HuffPo and it tanked. I would post a link, but I’m being terribly lazy today. It’s called confessions of a bad mom…or something like that

      Reply

  10. In some movie an American guy sets up a call center in India and has to train all the India (Hello, AOL Customer Support?). Anyway, he teaches them the meaning of “Break a leg”.

    Later in the movie when the American guy is in need of some good luck, one of the Indian guys says, “May you break BOTH your legs.”

    So, to you I say, “May you break BOTH your legs!” 😀

    Reply

  16. That is so cool!! Even though I have no idea what show that is…because we haven’t had TV in over a decade.

    I ageee. It is easier to do this kind of stuff *blind* so you don’t know what to worry about. My only brush with fame was working “with” Gordon OMG Ramsey. I had never watched any of his shows, so I decided I would remain clueless and if I met him, instead of passing OUT, I would just breezily say “Oh, yes, hello. I’ve never seen your little program. I hear you like to cook?” HAHAHAHAHA. It kind of worked…I never did meet him.

    How about break an arm? That way you can still get around, but you get lots of sympathy-help.

    Can’t wait to hear about it!

    Reply

  17. In German the expression is not as evil and reverse pyschology-ish (I made up that word. Hey, it’s my comment so I get to make my rules for it). Roughly translated they “press their thumb” at you. Ich druck Dir die Daume.

    So here’s to some incredible thumb pressing! No enema required.

    Reply

  20. I remember that post. It was about how you got your son to unload the dishwasher.
    And no enemas, accidental or otherwise, but still some edema, so you’re a little blurry still through my magnifying lens, but I’m reading you with my left eye because I can see out of it again.
    Your essay, and your reading of it will surely stomp them into the dirt, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

    Reply

    • Thank you, Doug! Yes, that is the essay. I had to blow it out a bit because it wasn’t long enough, so it’s slightly different…not much though.

      So the surgery went well, then? I mean..will it get better as you recover? Are you happy with the results?

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      • Yes it did, yes it will, and yes I am. I was sitting outside Highland after I got my bandages off yesterday saying stuff to Briana like “Wow, that’s an orange car driving by on the road up there.” And the text I sent Sara that said “What are those black shiny things at the end of my legs? Oh yeah, my shoes.”

        Reply

  23. Excited for you! I hate to say “break a leg” though. It’s so overdone. How about, “Get a contact lens folded in half and stuck up behind your eyelid so that by the time you get it set to rights you’ve lost all of the eyeliner, shadow and mascara on that eye…and now have to make the decision to go in looking like you only remembered makeup for half of your face or you wash the other half off and go in bare faced.”
    Why yes, this has happened to me.

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  27. Michelle,
    You are going to rock this audition. I know that you will be so so great! What Suheiry said ^^^ break both legs and a thumb!! XoXO Pattie

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  28. Just remember that who ever is there next week has to wipe their ass when they poop just like the rest of us and you will be fine. It worked for me now I don’t fear talking in front of people for any reason.

    Reply

  32. I’m very excited for you! I had never heard of this show – but I checked it out and…guess what? They are doing auditions in Albuquerque weekend after next. Would I be too much of a creepy copycat if I submitted a piece?

    Reply

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