I have spent every weekend but one this year in bed sick. To say that it’s getting to me would be the lord, god, king of understatements.
Or am I being dramatic?
No. It’s horrible. I’m sitting on my bed, too bored to even turn on the television and I”m in the middle of a Dr Who marathon. I’m on the Agatha Christie episode and I don’t want to watch it until I’m in a better mood because I’ve been looking forward to this one.
I started writing a narcissism blog post, but I can’t put my heart into writing about anything that inspires a strong emotion.
The Bloggess regularly posts the weird search terms that people use to get to her blog. I’m totally stealing that idea for this post. Weird search terms are not depressing and half the post will be written by strangers who had no idea they’d be writing a blog post for me.
Here we go:
“Hell shoes” Okay, that’s fair enough.
“Menopause Rain” I do write quite a bit about menopause. But menopause rain? I’m having a hard time blocking myself from picturing where menopause rain comes from.
“Less Than Hero – Awkward” Again, fair enough.
“i want make massage therapist to fondle my breasts” No! NO, I did not say anything like that. In fact, the very first Rubber Shoes In Hell post was about the exact opposite of a massage therapist fondling my breasts.
“Elf fucking a fox” This is just silly. Sure, I had that one elf on a shelf post, but there was no fox fucking. It also occurs to me that the odds of me ever writing a sentence containing the words ‘fox fucking’ were pretty low. Yet it happened.
“How can I get my adult grown children to like me” Honestly, that one just made me a little sad. Also grateful that my adult grown children like me.
“squirrels baking soda” No idea. I so badly want to know why someone searched the term ‘squirrels baking soda’.
“can you sound fat?”
“simple green and testicular cancer”
“wife leag shoe fucking” I’m going to assume that leag should have been leg. Unless somehow leag makes this search less disturbing, then we will stick with leag.
“Sisters finger sisters” What the actual fuck? NO!
“Sisters finger adshole” So, there are multiple people who search on sisters fingering something who found my blog. Also, does this mean I have a post somewhere where I misspelled the word ‘asshole’?
I had to leave the truly disturbing searches out. Sadly, the ones I just gave you are only mild to medium on the offensiveness scale.
Also I’d like to say…fuck…some of you are twisted motherfuckers. Some search terms should never ever have the word ‘mother’ in them.
I’m trying to think of some positive aspects to staying in bed for another weekend and can’t come up with many. It is a good time to catch up on some reading, though. I always appreciate having time to scroll through some blogs. Personal blogs satisfy my inner voyeur and there are blogs out there that truly inspire me to be a more self accepting person.
If you haven’t read Aussa Loren’s blog or Carla Birnberg’s blog, then you need to carve out some time and give them a read. You won’t be sorry.
I feel a little better now. At least good enough for Dr. Who.
There are some very weird folk out there, even weirder than I could imagine, which is really saying something!
🙂
A couple of positive things to focus on, even though you are suffering the joys of the never ending lergy, you do have someone to look after you and you have TV.
The absence of these things for the 5 or 6 weeks I was ill with it made it even more utterly miserable. Your blog and twitter banter were two of the very few bright points, and for which I thank you
Get well very soon!
You are so right…I do have that going for me and I am quite grateful. I’m also glad we could be a bright spot!
Ah, the Dr. Who marathon…didn’t even realize it was a marathon today. I am currently sitting through the 3rd hour of my most favorite episodes EVER and it never occurred to me that this was out of the ordinary. lol
I aspire to having funny/weird search terms on my blog one day. Until then, I was just live vicariously and hilariously through you and The Bloggess. 🙂
I’m watching for the first time..my baby boy is a Whovian and I wanted to share it with him
HA! My favorite is elf fucking a fox!
Someone found my site this week by typing in “My wife is an inconsiderate bitch.”
I think my husband was fucking with me.
HAHAHAHA…that is awesome..
Huzzah! Thank you for linking to me! Except… I am sorry you’re sick :-/
I need to do one of these search term posts… maybe for my 6 month “blogiversary” if I can bring myself to do the math and figure out when that is. The top things that bring people to my site on a daily basis are multiple variations of “how to tell a guy’s gay” and “should I date an older man.” Excellent. Then of course are the people who are googling “sexting pics” and I feel sorry for what they get instead. I’ve seen some truly disturbing things come through as well… about finding virgins and making various sexual groupings one would never imagine. Hmmm… who are these people and is there an app to make sure none are living within a half mile radius of me?
Hope you get to feeling better!
Thank you, Aussa! And yes, weirdness abounds. There are some terrifying people out there.
Gotta laugh at some of the things we see on the Internets.
Menopause rain? That sounds like a Prince song.
As for the “simple green and testicular cancer”, now you got me wondering whether there’s a new environmentally friendly type of illness.
Hope you’re feeling better soon. Spending each and every weekend sick in bed is not how you should be spending your winter.
HAHAH…A Prince song. That’s aweseome! And, no..this is not how I should be spending my Winter. It sucks ass.
I have started/stopped Dr Who several times but never gotten “hooked” – bully for me, I guess!
Last w/e after Superbowl, we clicked onto new BBC Sherlock Holmes w/Benedict Cumberbatch – while it was a little confusing to jump in midstream, we’ll definitely go back to beginning & watch it all (& no, I’m not a diehard SH fan)
I’ve watched 2 episodes of SH so far and I like it fine, but I don’t seem to like it quite as much as others do. It took me a whole season of Dr Who before getting hooked, I was iffy for a while.
Awww, I hope you feel better soon. The Agatha Christie episode of Doctor Who is a great one. It might even make you feel better. 🙂
I still haven’t watched it. I fell asleep and now Randy is watching Justified..I’ll have to wait for him to fall asleep now.
So sorry you are still not feeling well. Maybe the “adshole” refers to the hole in our lives from all of the advertising we are bombarded with?
If you don’t add baking soda, your squirrels won’t rise, duh. Oops, wait, it would appear that some people try to poison squirrels with baking soda. That seems cruel, to me. Maybe it wouldn’t seem that way if they were really pissing me off, though. I did, after all, run around the warehouse where I worked in the middle of the night using a can of carburetor cleaner and a bic lighter as a flame thrower to try and scare the rats into at least hiding when they heard me coming…
And having said that, yes, there really are some weirdos out there, aren’t there. Hope you are feeling better soon.
ahhh poisoning squirrels..I see. Yes, that does seem cruel.
I hope I’m better soon as well…this is making me insane. Thanks for your well wishes. 🙂
The internet is the wild west reinvented, no question. Anything goes these days.
So it appears…i’ve been enlightened by some people who want to do some really strange stuff with their own mothers.
you had m at ADSHOLE.
I don’t get a lot of bizarre search terms like this. Most of mine lately contain the term Cryptolocker (a malicious virus), but that because it was one of my most popular posts. I should write more stuff, then maybe people will come to my site through bizarre searches. Enjoy Doctor Who.
I don’t know where some of them come from . All I can say is that apparently, if you rearrange the words I write, I write about some nasty shit.
I’m so sorry you’re sick. I’d send you some bread, but I have to make more. I’ve been fighting what feels like a sore throat trying to start since, I swear, before CHRISTMAS, and it’s getting really old.
If you can find some elderberry elixir or syrup (or elderberries themselves) at a local health food store– it fights flu like magic.
I get most of my visitors from The Bloggess and you, (hi guys!), but Google took away my search term visibility on Blogger a few months ago, so I don’t see them anymore, or I don’t know how to find them. I’m thinking that’s probably for the best…
Yeah, that’s one of the perks (I guess) of using wordpress.
Hi, just found you through The Bloggess and so glad I did! I am also spending too much time in bed and need fun blogs to read. So glad to have found you. I didn’t even have to use an offensive search term. Although “can you sound fat?” sounds like something I might write about. I need to remember not to tag that!!
P.S. So…since your adult children like you is it safe to assume my thirteen year old daughter may like me again one day?
P.P.S. Hope you’re feeling better soon!
I’m glad you found me, too! And yes, my guess is your daughter will like you again one day. Our youngest is 15 and he only finds me mildly annoying at this point. The adult kids though..we all get along good.
I’ll never understand people’s fascination with sisters doing stuff to each other. I mean, I understand girl on girl, but you actually want to be a witness to incest? creep
Yeah…disturbing to say the least…
I love reading weird search terms! But it makes me wonder if Google actually has any idea what it is doing.
I think it depends on how you use key phrases in your blog posts. Hubs actually does key word research and content for a living..and he keeps telling me that I need to key word research blah blah blah..because google doesn’t know what to do with me.
I frustrate the shit out of him sometimes, but honestly, if I have to start worrying about the words I use or working around specific phrases, then it’s no fun anymore. I take his suggestions when I can, but mostly I don’t