Bruja and Duck Food

One time, the younger of my two stepdaughters called me a witch. I couldn’t even get mad at her because, to this day, the comeback was the best and wittiest I have ever heard.

She was around 15 years old at the time. Her baby brother wasn’t still a baby, but just barely. Little sister took learned Spanish throughout high school and college and I got the nickname “bruja” early on. So, it wasn’t the first time she called me a witch, but it was the best time.

Randy and I used to quote from Pulp Fiction when the kids yapped about something. Remember the opening scene with dirty-horror-duckYolanda and Ringo? When she tells him that he sounds like a duck because his words just sound like quacking?

Okay, we really didn’t quote Pulp Fiction, but we were inspired by Pulp Fiction. When the older kids started quacking like ducks, we would look at Joey and say “What’s in your brother’s stomach?” Joey would respond “Duck food!”

Little sister and I took Joey to the county fair. As the evening wound down and we walked back to the car, Little sister started quacking about something.

Me: Joey? What does your sister have in her stomach?

Little Sister: You have Hansel and Gretel in your stomach.

Couldn’t even be mad because comebacks don’t get any motherfucking better than that.

Little sister has a daughter of her own now, and Baby girl is proof about that whole “apple not falling far from the tree” saying. Baby girl has some very good comebacks herself. She’s only five years old, so she has years of practice ahead of her and I suspect her skills will be even sharper than her mother’s.

Like the time she argued with her mother about picking up her toys and she told her mom, “You are the leader of nonsense.”

My most recent favorite happened when her dad was putting her in her car seat and hit her head on the door frame.

Baby girl: You bonked my head, genius.

Momma: We don’t talk to people like that that, young lady.

Baby girl: Well, I called him a genius, didn’t I?

Then, there was the time recently that she insisted that she went to the desert with her grandpa. Randy has never been to the desert with Baby girl. I told her that I didn’t remember them going on that trip. She said, “Gaga, I was only three then, so you probably don’t remember.”

Her mother told me that she ended up making a scrap book from pictures out of magazines to commemorate her trip to the desert with grandpa.

I guess what this is leading up to is we got some exciting news about Little sister and her family.

We found out that Baby girl will be getting a brother or sister. Estimated arrival, Christmas day 2016.

I am not a fan of being all mushy and hearts and flowers, but I am pretty goddamn excited about another baby in the family. The other ones are getting old and used up. We’re due for a new one. I can’t wait to hear what the new baby will have to say. I’m sure she will be a girl, because her big sister has already said she has no interest in a brother.


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  • Ha, brilliant news. I do hope she isn’t disappointed, I ended up with two brothers and no sister. though I’m fairly sure that if I’d had one we’d have fought like cat and dog just the same. Sarcasm also runs very deep in our family, the genius remark cracked me up the first time I read it, as it’s likely one of us said that very thing more than once as children.

  • Know that feeling like you’re living in an alternative Universe? That’s how I feel after reading this. The characters are foreign as well as the references. It’s good to expand my mind.

    – Nice guy with no witches in his life. ‘Cept you I guess.

  • Wow, what awesome wit. Our kids have inherited sharp tongues too and know just how to strike us down with withering looks and snide remarks (aged 6 and 8 now). But neither has equalled or topped the Hansel and Gretel one. Yet….

    Goddamit are they slow learners or something?

    Congratulations on your fab news!! Christmas will be exciting for you….

  • Love this! My kids were smart, but not so funny. Humor sure helps!
    Congratulations on the new one coming!

    By the way, you may think this sounds crazy, but could be this granddaughter and her grandfather went to the desert in a past life. I believe in them though I don’t understand them… And there are some fascinating stories of kids having detailed memories from times they didn’t live through… Just a thought.

    • Lucia Maya: I don’t think it sounds crazy at all πŸ™‚ I think it is spot on. I LOVE stuff like that…

      whoo hoo

    • You know..I don’t know. I know when my dad was recovering from a serious health issue that left him kind of brain damaged, he talked in great detail about specific events that never happened. And he spoke for a while with an Irish brogue. It was weird.

  • I am totally stealing the ‘You have Hansel and Gretel in your stomach’ line.
    Tell Little Sister, “Thank you” from Princess Lisa.

  • “You are the leader of nonsense” is the best! It could be applied to certain politicians as well as bosses.

  • If that child is born on Christmas Day he or she is going to need a sense of humor even though Capricorns aren’t known for being particularly funny.

    Not that I believe in that Zodiac shit. I’m naturally a skeptic since I’m a Sagittarius.

  • First of all, congratulations on the impending arrival of a new grand baby!!! I’m waiting for the day—-anytime now—-that my niece tells me she’s gone into labor with her daughter. I keep teasing her that the baby will be born on July 4th!

    I have to admit that I literally laughed out loud when I read the come back “I called him a genius, didn’t I?” OMFG, I’d be the one her mother would look at and say, “And you’re not helping, Terri!” because I cannot help but admire intelligence and a quick wit in a child. Like you, I have a hard time getting angry if a comeback is so fucking brilliant or hysterically funny and I find myself torn. Should I discipline them or encourage them? I hate when an adult allows their ego to get in the way and they squash natural creativity and yes, dare I say it, genius.

    • *high fives Terri Lee*
      Congratulations, Auntie!!

      My oldest, when he was about 5, had been watching ‘Liar, Liar’ quite a bit.

      One fine day, as I came around the corner to administer some severe warning and cautionary advice, I was greeted with, “β™ͺβ™ͺ β™ͺβ™ͺ Here she comes to wreck the day!β™ͺβ™ͺ β™ͺβ™ͺ”
      Sung at top volume and with a flourish that I could only admire, and then pick myself up off the floor following the fit of laughter that dropped me there.

      Yes, when quick wit is the result of good breeding, one must defer to greatness. No matter the size of the mouth it came out of.

      Good Luck, Michelle… let’s hope humor and wit genetics are the same as the half life of mercury in bottom feeding fish πŸ˜‰

      You deserve that little comic genius disguised as a fresh baby πŸ™‚

  • You are the leader of nonsense!!!!! I love this and tell your granddaughter I am totally stealing it for the next time I need to put someone in their proverbial place.

    and yes, the Hansel and Gretel comment was genius.

  • I never talked back to my parents much, maybe because I’m the youngest and I saw what the results always were, but I had some funny exchanges with my sister when we were kids. Like the time when I stopped an argument from escalating to blows by telling her that she couldn’t hurt a fly even if it had arthritis. When she was through laughing she couldn’t really remember what we were so mad about…

  • I believe my daughter was a junior in high school when this conversation took place:

    Me: Nobody likes a smartass
    Her (with no pause): You do.

    I still laugh about that and she will be 24 on Monday.

  • I’m Gaga too. With #2 arriving late Novemeber. A second boy which is freaking fantabulous because I have 3 girls and a step daughter. All with attitude up the whazoo. Boys are welcome at Gagas!

  • Hahaha !!! Out of the mouths of babes !
    That’s great news – so happy for all of you.
    My Mom is Gogo (not as in ‘gogo’ dancers – it’s a zulu word for gran) and the ‘o’ is pronounced like in the word ‘or’. We were only talking the other day about what I would be called when K has children – no consensus was reached – I said to wait and see what they land up calling me – I don’t really care – I’m just glad she is even considering having children before for the longest time ever she has said she isn’t having children !!!! I used to laugh at her and say “Just wait – if you meet the right person you may change your mind” – “Never” was normally the comeback !!!
    Have the best Friday tomorrow xox

  • This is hilarious! We speak Spanish and one time my daughter went to a fast food restaurant and as she waited for her order , the two girls behind the counter decided to talk about her and said she looked like a bruja. My daughter paid for the food and before leaving, calmly said, Las brujas son ustedes! (You guys are the witches). Anyway, congrats on the new baby to come. I so desperately need to hold a baby but have no interest in being a grandma yet! πŸ™‚

    • stepdaughter caught some dudes talking shit at a Mexican restaurant and busted them on it. It was funny. And thank you. This will be grandchild number 5. They are so freaking great.

  • My husband and I have 11 (!!!!) freaking nieces and nephews, and while I love every single one of them, I found myself strongly identifying with your line that, “The other ones are getting old and used up. We’re due for a new one.” Yes. That.
    That being said, my 3-year-old niece said something funny (at least to me) today.
    Her twin brother hollered, “Mommy, she hit me with the rope!”
    Niece comes in holding a jump rope. Her mother (my sister-in-law) asks, “Did you hit your brother?” Niece is like, “No. I did NOT hit him.” Wily mom follows up with, “Was it on purpose or on accident?” Niece says, “It was an accident.” And then she paused, realized what just happened and was basically all like, “Oh, shit. Gig’s up.”
    So, she got in trouble both for hitting AND lying.
    Ah, kids. They’re the best πŸ˜€


      I remember my nephew getting in trouble for kicking his brother. My sister in law said…did you kick him..and he said, No, I just stuck my foot out and he ran in to it.

By Michelle