I wrote a while ago about how my narcissistic dad used to brag to friends and relatives about my prowess on the softball field. I was a horrible player and every time I played, I was told afterward what an embarrassment I was. But to other people? To other people I was an athletic dynamo. My dad would tell anyone who would listen what an athlete I was.
It’s not surprising that I’ve spent most of my life feeling like an impostor.
If I am perceived as good at something, I am convinced that at any moment I will be found out. I’m not all that good at my job and sooner or later they are gonna notice. I’m not a very good writer, I’m totally running out of things to say. Sooner or later, people will see that I’m fraying around the edges and really, I just recycle my own words over and over.
Randy sent me an article about the Imposter Syndrome and I found it fascinating. People who suffer from Imposter Syndrome are usually very intelligent and capable and all the things that I’m afraid I’m not.
Then it occurred to me. I’m not really an impostor after all, because I’m not all those things.
I am an impostor impostor.
And with that, I negate my very existence. Poof.
If I am honest, then I have to admit the article is true, I do feel more confident than I let on. Not all the time and not overly so..but still..I have more confidence than I show.
I played softball as a teenager and well into my 20s. I had a few great catches and managed to get a few hits. I think I made it across the plate a few times, but I never got very good at it.
I’m not the best programmer in the world or even at my job, but I can get the job done.
I’m not the best writer in the world, but people do read what I write and I do write from my heart.
These are the things I have to remind myself every single day. Every day when I’m in my car, I run down the ways I am going to be ‘found out’.
I have no idea what I think people will find when they find the real me. Maybe the truth is, I am the real me and I’m not lying to the world, I am lying to myself.
Either way, I need to read that article a dozen more times or so.