All posts in Humor

  • Rock Out With Your Clock Out

    Just a few minutes ago, I was heating up a leftover quesadilla in the microwave.

    We painted most of Joey’s room after I got home from work. This is the last room. We’re nearly done with the painting. I am grateful enough that I am willing to sacrifice a goat to whatever deity is currently in need of a goat.

    Not a live goat or anything. Like a stuffed animal. I would definitely rip the head off of a stuffed animal goat to beg for mercy from the god of painting the entire goddamn interior of my house. Please really let it almost be over. And please block this deep loathing of painting I have because we’re going to buy a house and I’m probably going to be painting again.

    On top of frantically trying to finish repairing the house, the fucking timetime jumped forward.

    I do not recall ever getting hit this hard by springing forward.

    I feel like I sprung forward and just got slammed face down in the ground. I am exhausted.

    One stupid hour and my insomnia perked up and cracked her knuckles.

    It takes forever to fall asleep and when the alarm clock goes off it makes me want to cry.

    But I completely digress.

    I was talking about heating leftovers up in the microwave.

    My back has that stabby feeling in it from painting, so I am moving a little slow tonight. I looked at the number of seconds left on the microwave and took my time getting a knife and a fork. I considered that the microwave has a clear advantage over a toaster because you don’t have to guess how long before your food is ready.

    Can you do that with a toaster? No you cannot. It is a mystery every time how long it will take and it startles me every goddamn time it pops up. I don’t get startled when the microwave beeps because it tells me exactly when it will beep.

    Toasters are just mean, man.

    On the other hand, toast is one of the best things on the planet, so there’s that.

    We’re getting close, you guys. I feel like we’re moving at supersonic massive warp speed, which is a measure of speed that I just made up. I think. I mean, if it is a measure of speed, I think it should be named after me now. The song Super Massive Black Hole by Muse? I thought they were saying “supersonic vagabond”. I still sing it my way, I like my words better. 

    I’m really freaked out by this change coming up. I’m usually good at change.

    I used to be great at change, but as I got older, it got a little more difficult. Switching jobs has been a nightmare and I haven’t loved the last three moves we’ve made.

    But this move?

    I feel like we are running in the dark toward the edge of a cliff. I don’t like this feeling.

    So, I’ve been trying to focus on how exciting it will be, this next part of our life. Also, it’s just a goddamn house. Where we live doesn’t matter, we’re still us.

    So, I guess there isn’t much of a point here? Just that I’m tired.

    Time springing forward is an asshole and paint is the devil.

    Wish me luck on falling asleep before midnight, and if you have a spare stuffed goat I could massacre, please let me know.


    Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

  • Fighting Outside The Box

    Okay, not fighting outside the box. Not really.

    Just a difference of opinion about throwing away a box.

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  • I Am A DIY Bad Ass

    Not really. In reality, when it comes to DIY bad asses, I fall far below Ty Pennington or whoever reigns as the current darling of DIY home shows.

    I am, however, way better at home improvement than a dead hobo with a toothpick.

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