So, I might have told part of this story before, so bear with me.

My older son, Zach, and his wife Lauren befriended a young couple from Cuba. The wife doesn’t speak much English.

I remembered 30 years ago, when Zach was in Kindergarten, his teacher asked me to invite one of his classmate’s mother over for coffee. They were from Japan and she was lonely. She spoke almost no English, but we were able to communicate by using a Japanese to English dictionary. It was slow, but it worked. She came over a number of times and always brought a small gift when she visited.

On one visit, she gave me a paper doll, with a little slip of paper attached. I looked up the words to ask her what it said on the paper.

She went back and forth in the dictionary, looked up and said “Made in Tokyo.”

It made me laugh really hard.

I thought it might be nice for my daughter in law to have a similar experience, so I went on Amazon and ordered what I thought was a Cuban to English dictionary.

My son called after they received the book.

My son doesn’t laugh super easy, so I knew something was up when I answered the phone.

Zach: Mom, the book you sent isn’t what you thought it was.

Me: It’s not a Cuban to English dictionary?

Zach: What did it say on Amazon?

Me: Well, I can’t hardly see and I didn’t have any readers when I ordered it. I thought it was a dictionary.

Zach: It’s not exactly that. It’s a phrase book. It’s just filled with phrases in Cuban Spanish and then in English.

Me: Oh. Well, that’s not helpful.

Zach: No..no, but it is funny.

Me:…

Me:…

Zach: These phrases are fucked up.

Then he read some of the phrases to me. Here’s one that stood out for me:

“There was a huge scandal at the bank when they saw the video of the employees fucking in the closet.”

So, not even “Where’s the bathroom?” or “I’d like to buy some shoes.” No. Because when one is traveling and doesn’t speak the language, I think it’s important to be able to follow along if one finds oneself in a conversation about bank employees fucking in a closet.

He’s called me a number of times since. He said that he and his wife refer to it often.

He called the other day to let me know that they both know how to say “Javi has a big dick” in Spanish now.

They shared the book with their new friends, who were also terribly amused, and let Zach know that I chose poorly.

I mean, I am glad they are having fun with it.

Photo by Spencer Everett on Unsplash

My mother and I don’t talk on a specific schedule. We talk a few times a week at various times of the day. She usually doesn’t call on week days because I’m at work. Usually, I call her on my way home. She sometimes calls late on Saturday or Sunday mornings.

What she doesn’t do, is call on Saturday evenings. When I saw a call from my mom at 5:04 yesterday afternoon, I assumed the worse.

Me: Hey, mom.

Mom: Hey. So, something creepy just happened.

Me: “Call the police” creepy or run of the mill creepy?

Mom: Oh no. Just run of the mill.

I could tell she was out of sorts. Martha is fairly badass. Mostly, unflappable. Still strong like an ox. Not much is going to throw her off. I mean, except one thing.

Mom: You know that lilac bush by the deck in front of the kitchen window?

Me: Yeah?

Mom: There was a snake at eye level. Not a little one. It was probably at least 5 feet long.

Me: Oh, damn.

Me: Mom, you know that snakes are a sign of a healthy yard, right?

Mom: I don’t care.

Me: Mom, it’s going to be fine. It won’t hurt you. It’s just hanging out, doing it’s thing. No worries. If it comes back, just give it a name. Like Ethyl.

Mom: I am not there, Shell.

Me: Talk to it. Tell Ethyl your problems.

Mom: I’m not naming it.

Me: Okay, how about this? When you compare having a completely harmless snake in your lilac bush to all the other bullshit going on right now, it doesn’t seem so bad, right?

Mom: I feel so much better.

Me: Did you hear about Marjorie Taylor Green talking about “fragrant violations?”

Mom: Oh, dear god.

Me: Or how Bill Gates is growing fake meat in “peach tree” dishes?

Mom: You’re making that up.

Me: Nope.

Mom: I guess Ethyl can stay. I guess.

Me: Sign of a healthy yard.

Mom: I hate Ethyl.

I hope you are all staying safe.

Hello! Welcome to the Post COVID cafe.

We’re so happy to see you. It feels good to finally be able to be around other people while breathing in the little droplets of spit they expel when they exhale, isn’t it?

You got here just in time. We are busy now, but the upcoming rush is going to be a doozy. Fortunately, there’s no wait for a table.

Would you like to sit in the coughing or no coughing section? Not that it really matters.

The coughing section? Have a little tickle in your throat? I understand, so many people do these days.

I’ll let you get seated and return with water, an assortment of vitamins, and pain relievers. Before I go, though, I will tell you about our specials.

We have a lovely Delta variant. This comes with a side of fever and the feeling of having an elephant on your chest.

If you are looking for something a little lighter, we have a lovely little Omicron.

You’ll probably only experience light sniffles for a few days, but some customers lose 2 of their five senses with ongoing fatigue and fogginess for weeks later. Please understand, we cannot guarantee you will experience the more severe range of symptoms.

We also have a BOGO on the BA variants.

Feel free to mix and match. Have a BA 1 and a BA 3. Or just 2 BA 2s. Buy a few for the table and share! Who knows, before you leave, we may have our own BA variant! We’ll be sure to name it after you. I mean, as long as your first name is Ba and your last name is a number.

If COVID isn’t your thing, we are excited to share something new. Well, it’s not new, but Monkey Pox is here! It sounds funny just saying that, doesn’t it? Monkey Pox.

Also, for a short time, we have a flu virus which feels very much like Bubonic plague symptoms. Not the worst of symptoms, of course, but at least you don’t have to get bit by a flea. Or a rat. Or however it is people get the black death.

For our guests who protected their freedom by not wearing a mask or getting vaccinated, we have a wide array of ventilators.

They are going fast, because believe it or not, they are still in demand!

Also, if you ingested horse paste or, haha, maybe drank a little bleach? I would recommend reserving a ventilator today, because eventually, you’re probably going to need one.

For our guests who have done their best to be safe, no worries, we have something for you as well. Especially for those guests who got vaxxed, boosted, and always wore a mask, but got COVID anyway. We have a little laminated card reminding you that you have no idea how badly this actually affected your health! Maybe 10 years from now you’ll have trouble breathing! Or maybe 5!. Who knows, you might be forming blood clots as you read this! There’s just really no way of knowing right now.

Have I had COVID? Oh, honey, I’ve had COVID so many times now that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I guess the only long term effect is that I see everything in the same shade of blue. But you know what they say, If life gives you a deadly virus, then make believe it doesn’t exist.

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage you to visit our gift shop. One of our best sellers is an urn with a picture of Fauci’s face in a circle with a line through it.

I’ll let you think it over and  leave you with this. Wear a fucking mask. Get the fucking shot. This isn’t over.