Everyone calm down just a moment.

I am not suggesting anyone consider their age when dressing for Halloween. Be what you want! Sexy Forest Ranger! Hot Scuba Diver! Slutty Vaccinated Person!

Personally, I think the scariest costume would be to dress like Brett Kavanaugh with a pocketful of roofies.

Of course, I understand that the actual Brett Kavanaugh sitting on the Supreme Court is way scarier, but ’tis the season and all.

I don’t usually dress for Halloween. Not because I’m against it, just because dressing up requires an effort.

I think I am going to dress for Halloween at work this year though.

I’m going to dress exactly the same as I normally would, but I’m going to pretend that my hips don’t hurt and go as Michelle from 5 years ago.

Anyway, I do have some suggestions regarding costumes women over fifty should retire.

Fake Smile Woman – You know that one. The one where someone walks past you and commands that you smile? Our purpose in life isn’t to contort our faces in a manner that some dude finds more pleasing to look at. My suggestion is to tell them to stick a fork in their eye and then you’ll smile.

Complain-o Girl – There is so much to complain about right now. There is. I get that. But damn, do not spend every waking moment complaining about everything. Seek out beauty. Make your own. Draw a picture or sing a song. Find something to be grateful for. Find a reason to be happy for someone else.

That being said, if most of the words that fall out of your face hole are negative, you are goddamn exhausting.

Judgy McJudgerson – This has never been a sexy look. We need to build all our sisters up. We have to stop tearing each other down. Be cognizant of your thoughts and words. Instead of judging each other for our how we adorn ourselves, weight or lifestyle choices, we should offer love, encouragement, and a leg up.

For those of us over fifty? We’re rounding the bases and heading for home. If we want to leave the world a better place when we leave, what better way than helping to pave the way for those coming up?

I guess we’re rounding the bases. I’m not a sports person, but that sounds right.

Scary “I want to see the manager” Woman – No. Don’t. Just stop. No full size candy bars for you.

Queen Passive-Aggressive – Not to be a downer or anything, but like I said, we’re not getting any younger. Say what you mean. Speak your concerns directly. It’s not easy to do that. Sometimes, when I do, my throat actually aches because it tightens up so much. But we deserve to express our concerns and desires in a direct manner.

I’m Sorry Girl – There are two ways to wear this costume and you should wear neither. First, we don’t have to apologize for existing. We don’t have to apologize for our opinions. We don’t have to apologize all goddamn day long. The second way is stating an opinion with “I’m sorry, but”.

Ask yourself this: Are you sorry? Really? Probably not. If you have an opinion, don’t start it with “I’m sorry, but”. It’s wishy washy and judgy. Both at the same time.

When I Was Your Age Woman – Let’s not try to shame our younger sisters with “Well, when I was your age” bullshit. Because remember what we hated when we were their age? We hated the “When I was your age” bullshit. Our bullshit is no more or less bullshit than was our mother’s and grandmother’s bullshit. So let’s just not do this.

I hope that you all have a safe and fun Halloween.

I hope you are vaccinated and wearing masks in public. Masks aren’t just for Halloween, you know.

You know, I think I might change my costume for work. I might pretend my hips don’t hurt and I can eat onions. Then, I can be Michelle from 10 years ago.

***Edited for honesty. I still eat onions. I do. But I pay a price at least 85% of the time. Sometimes with tears. But they are onions and onions are awesome. And so is ham. And garlic. But not cucumbers. They are right out. I tried a seedless one recently and thought I’d be fine because it’s the seeds that kill me. Alas, I still felt like I was dying after I ate it. I was a notch or two away from calling a life squad. The pain radiated up both sides of my jaw and made my ears ache. I had at least an hour to play “Really bad heartburn or major cardiac event?” So, cucumbers are really out. Probably. I guess I should stick with the “5 years ago” Michelle. 

This post will get progressively worse.

Like at first, you’ll probably go “oh, that wasn’t THAT awkward. Really”

Just wait. We’ll get there. I’m easing you in.

Here are three stories. From just a little awkward moment to “oh fuck no”.

So, a few years ago, something happened that made me laugh harder than I have ever laughed at a job.

I share a room with two women and we’re all around the same age. We’re all grandmothers.

Anyway, this dude who works with us came into our room all cocky and shit, thinking he was funny, and would make us squirm. He had a bag of nuts and the brand name is “My Dad’s Nuts”. He asked us if we wanted to “eat his dad’s nuts”.

We didn’t skip a goddamn beat.

“I have dreamed about having your dad’s nuts in my mouth.”

“Can I get all of your dad’s nuts in my mouth at once?”

“I can’t wait to bite your dad’s nuts.”

He admitted defeat and literally ran out of the room.

But that isn’t the funny part, even though it was pretty fucking funny. He left the bag of nuts. We ate them.

Anyway, a woman in sales and her adult daughter visited our room shortly after. The younger woman had a chihuahua puppy and one of the woman I work with held the puppy. The puppy went crazy smelling her mouth.

Office mate: Oh my god, he probably smells my dad’s nuts in my mouth.

I sat in a cubicle but couldn’t see anything that was going on. I could only hear it. The two women who had come in were completely silent.

I had my head on my desk and cried I was laughing so hard. I could hear my other office mate wheezing.

Pretty sure no one I work with will read this. I know for sure at least 2 people have read some of these posts, but I have no reason to think they still do. If you work with me and are reading this? Fine…you’ll probably be able to identify the person I am talking about, but just be cool. Gosh.

The next awkward moment story goes back around 19 years.

I had just been promoted to IT department director. I don’t think it was my first day as the boss, but definitely the first week.

The IT department was a room built of cinder blocks. It wasn’t fancy. There was a row of eight cubicles, two wide and four deep. A small conference area and my office.

The back row had a narrow space between the cubes and the wall. I had been in the back cube talking with a woman about a project and a man who worked for me, we’ll call him Calvin, was talking to someone in the adjacent cube.

I walked past Calvin and put my hand out as I passed him. It was a “I’m walking past you” gesture. Only the gesture failed. It failed so bad.

I cupped his balls.

It felt like I cupped his balls for about a weekend. It was really only 3 to 5 seconds, but when you just get promoted to director and one of your first acts is cup your employee’s balls that 3 seconds feels like a lifetime. I snatched my hand away. He put his hands in his pockets, broke out into a smile, and said “So that’s how its going to be.”  Pretty sure I told him to shut up and that he was banished from the planet.

The best awkward moments story involves Randy, though. We’re going back 25 years for this one.

We lived in Kansas City, MO. While my job was in MO, I had to travel, on occasion, to Ft. Scott, KS.  Ft. Scott had a train station, a Super 8, and a KFC. And the warehouse I supported. Okay, I am sure there is more to Ft. Scott, but that is what I remember.

The hotel was a nightmare.

The train station wasn’t far from the hotel and the tracks ran about 10 yards behind the motel. So, every 60 to 90 minutes I would be startled awake by the train horn.

I learned to request a room at the front of the motel because then the train whistle would still wake you up, but it wasn’t so loud that you thought you were being attacked by a screechy monster.

Randy joined me on one of my trips to Ft. Scott. We went to KFC for dinner. Pretty sure our only other choice was vending machine food.

KFC was hopping. There was a steady stream of people going in and out. When we left, we filed out behind the other people leaving.

Randy thought I was in front of him. I was not but was standing next to him. Who knows where his head was, but he definitely was not present in the moment.

I looked over at Randy and he had his hand on the ass of the woman in front of him. This was not a young woman. I’m going to say she was at least in her mid 80’s.

Me: Dude! What are you doing?

Randy looked at me, then at his hand, then back at me. But did he let go of the strange woman’s ass? No, no he did not.

Me: Randy, stop touching her butt. Seriously, let go of her butt.

It was like his brain couldn’t handle what was happening and his hand decided it was quite fine where it was.

He did remove his hand, eventually. The woman turned around and Randy apologized profusely. She said “Don’t worry, sugar, that was the most fun I’ve had in 50 years.”

It’s been a goldmine for me for the last quarter of a century. Arguments can be ended with “At least I didn’t grope an old lady’s ass.”

Okay, I can see how an argument could be made that my awkward situation was worse than Randy’s.

Mine involved an employee and his was a stranger that we never saw again. But he cupped her ass at least five seconds longer than I cupped his balls, so his was definitely worse.

I’d like to say that these are the worst of the worst of our awkward situations, but I bet if I tried, I could come up with a few more. Or maybe not. I may have blocked them.