So, I have had a full week of vertigo.

Not the Alfred Hitchcock movie. I wish I had spent the last week with Vertigo on repeat rather than always feeling like I just stepped off the Tea Cup ride after having been on it for an hour. Probably.

I mean, I am sick to death of laying in bed and watching TV. I’d probably be completely bonkers if I had to watch the same thing the whole time.

I mentioned something on Twitter about having vertigo and, man, a lot of people have experienced the same thing.

I got a lot of good information about vertigo. People tweeted causes like brain tumors, MS and something called Mal de Debarquement Syndrome. Not gonna lie, but the last one sounds kind of fancy.

Being a hypochondriac, some of those tweets added another whole complex layer of circular thoughts.

I’m not awesome at being left alone to my thoughts.

Last week, I literally spent days on my back, slightly propped up, and not moving at all. There’s only so much Words With Friends that can distract me from my thoughts.

***DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER***

On the outside chance someone who tweeted something about brain tumors, MS or Mal de Debarquement Syndrome is reading this, you are in no way responsible for my hypochondria.

In fact, you did me a favor. I was at the point where I was ready to do a deep dive in the possible causes of vertigo. Those tweets covered all three of my hypochondria anxiety categories. “Worst Fear”. “Holy shit, that would suck” and the worst one “The Unknown”.

The unknown cause always starts with “A rare and poorly understood condition that blah blah blah blah blah”  which is literally the first sentence I read when I googled Mal de Debarquement Syndrome. Except for the “blah blah blah” part. So anyway, those tweets ended up being a real time saver.

Also, had I done my deep dive, I might have found some other terrifying causes. I may have even needed to make up a few more anxiety hypochondria categories. I finished season two of Friends and don’t have time for that if I want to get through season three before going back to work. 

Anyway, my issue is likely BPPV, (Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo), which is caused by crystals being misaligned in your ear.

I had no idea we have crystals in our ears.

Fucking crystals?

It made me think of shops filled with those healing power crystals. And how those shops always smell like patchouli.

Instead of doing a dive on vertigo, I jumped into the world of crystals. Of course, the part of my brain that was ready to jump down a hypochondriac rabbit hole adjusted and came along.

Clear quartz helps with balance? Then, my friend, you have the opposite of clear quartz in your ear. You have a lump of coal in your ear. Apparently, you’ve been naughty. 

Oh, look! Moonstones promote positive thoughts. The last positive thought you had was when you were positive you had a brain tumor. Or Mal de Debarquement Syndrome.

Don’t you wish you could pick which crystals are in your ears?  I’d pick sapphire. It eases anxiety, depression and insomnia. The crystals you have now do the opposite. Your crystals cuddle anxiety and depression and they worship their god, insomnia. 

Tiger’s eye helps you make clear, conscious decisions. I bet Charlie Sheen has Tiger’s eyes in his ears. 

Jasper is the supreme nurturer. Jasper promotes courage, quick thinking and confidence. Huh. You probably have Jasper’s bitter cousin, Maynard. 

So, turquoise is considered a good luck charm? HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA. Yeah, good luck with getting out of bed and not smashing into the wall the next time you have to get up to pee. 

I took a quiz to see what crystals I need.

Apparently, my root chakras need some TLC.

The root chakra sits at the base of the spine and it’s where fear and trust issues reside. I’m not really sure what a chakra is, but I think if you shake it, it makes noise. Also, I’m not stunned that the quiz indicates fear and trust issues. Maybe, I should pick up a Smoky Quartz or a lodestone. Or maybe a Maynard. I definitely need something.

I’m going to a physical therapy appointment first thing tomorrow morning. I’m hoping they just wrap this shit up for me. Because for all that is holy, I’m tired of being dizzy. And I am sick to death of my stupid bed. Friends has been funny, though.

For the record, I like patchouli.

First of all, I have always believed that Karma is bullshit.

Sure, what goes around very often comes around, but there are way too many motherfuckers walking around living fabulous lives who do terrible things.

Still, I do like the thought of good Karma.

I thought perhaps Randy and I snagged ourselves a little of the good Karma Saturday night, but now I’m not so sure.

We had a fairly lovely day. We cleaned our entire house. We went to visit my parents and sister and I got to play with her dogs for a little bit. My older son turned 34 on Saturday, and his brother celebrated with him, so Randy and I had the house to ourselves for the evening.

I decided after having such a busy day, that we’d get some Doordash delivery instead of messing up our newly detailed kitchen.

So, we had a few cocktails and put in an order for a Gomez Salsa Turtles.

I have a small table on my front porch. I waited for the driver to put the bag down and went out to get it.

I realized there was a problem instantly because the bag said something about “burgers” on it.

I peeked inside, just to be sure, and it was definitely not our food.

We live on a cul de sac, so the driver had to go to the end of my street to turn around. I flagged him down and told him we had the wrong food. He apologized profusely, got the bag of burgers, and left a bag on my table.

I picked the bag up, took it inside and told Randy that the food was here.

Then, I opened the bag.

There wasn’t so much Mexican food in the bag as there were video games.

At first, I thought it was a bag of DVDs, but upon further inspection, they were X-Box video games.

We laughed until we cried.

So, I texted the Doordash dude and said he gave us a bag of video games. He texted back OMG I AM SO SORRY. I WILL BE RIGHT THERE!

I felt sorry for the guy.

I mean, we already got the wrong food and then we got “not food”. But Randy and I found the whole thing so amusing, that he grabbed his wallet and we waited for the dude to get back.

He sees us both standing there and I have to assume he thought we were going to scream and yell at him or something.

He handed us our food and Randy handed him ten bucks. I mean, we already tipped him through the Doordash app, but anything that can make both of us laugh that much is worth ten bucks.

The kid looked a little bewildered as that exchange didn’t go as I assume he expected.

I thought maybe we picked up a few Karma points for that.

Then, I woke up Sunday morning with vertigo so bad that I could barely walk. I spent the entire day in bed. I couldn’t even sit up.

I’m better this morning, but far from okay. I’m calling my doctor as soon as the office opens. I’m fully vaccinated, but I’m still going to request a COVID test. I don’t have a fever or anything, but my sinuses are completely wrecked.

So, it’s like I said. Karma is bullshit.

But I’m still glad we over-tipped that guy.