Category Archives: Humor

U-Turn Sanity Check

Posted on by under Humor

I really did think Brood X would bother me, but I sort of dig the cicadas. I wouldn’t want this every year, but once every 17? The bizarre, intensely loud singing is either fascinating to me or is driving me insane.

At least that is what I thought until this morning when I learned there is a simple test for “crazy”. The U-Turn Sanity Check.

I mean, if you trust Randy’s information.

We woke up stupidly early this morning and decided to go out for a drive. It’s a gorgeous morning. The sun is bright, the air is cool and, of course, we immediately had to reverse our course. There was an accident on the road out of our neighborhood and we couldn’t get by.

Me: Just pull a U-turn and we’ll go down to Anderson Ferry. No U Turn signs

Randy: You can’t pull a U-turn here. It’s illegal.

Me: The road is blocked. It’s fine.

Randy: No, that’s crazy. That’s how they test crazy people.

Me:…

Me: Who are they?

Randy: You know who they are.

Me: So, if a person is willing to pull an illegal U-turn because the road is blocked, then that means they’re crazy?

Randy: Yes.

Me: I don’t think that seems a comprehensive enough test.

Randy, of course, pulled a U-turn and we headed out of our neighborhood from another direction.

Me: By your test, the only crazy people are the ones who don’t want to sit an indefinite amount of time waiting for a car crash to be removed? It’s either that or the person is of sound mind?

Randy:…

Me: Say a guy named Randy goes to see his doctor. And he is wearing a live porcupine on his head and tells the doctor that he collects goldfish eyeballs. That wouldn’t be crazy? Like, the doctor would have to ask him his stance on illegal U-turns before determining if Randy is batshit?

Randy: Do you think my hair looks like a porcupine?

Me: Well…..okay, that’s not the point.

Me: So, the doctor asks the porcupine head about illegal U-turns, and if the porcupine head says “What? Illegal U-turn? That’s just crazy talk”, then the guy is completely sane?

Randy: Exactly.

Me:…

Me: Who knew?

Me: Maybe I should drive. Porcupine.

 

Brood X or Florida Congressperson?

Posted on by under Humor
  1. I waited 17 years for this opportunity.
  2. I have a face that says “Swat me. For the love of God, swat my face”.
  3. I make a lot of noise because I want sex. All the noise I make is for sex.
  4. I can’t help it if my eyes are weird, off-putting, and look like a special effect.
  5. Click click click click click.
  6. Never trust the wingman.
  7. Screech screech screech.
  8. I’m emerging from my nymph stage and will soon be a winged adult.
  9. Mostly, I gross people out.
  10. It doesn’t matter if you love me or hate me. I’m always in your face. Always.
  11. I might look weak and odd, but I can buzz louder than a chainsaw.
  12. I am inevitable.
  13. Just stand still and let me crawl all over you.
  14. We all have a clock, don’t we? Tick tock. No worries, I’ll be out of your hair in a few weeks.
  15. Venmo? What’s Venmo?

Brood X: 5, 7

Florida Congressperson: 15

Both: 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

 

What to Expect After Getting Your Covid-19 Vaccine

Posted on by under Humor

In Ohio, vaccinated people can enter a lottery for 5 chances to win a million dollars five different times..

The vaccine rate went up 53%.

I’m all for this.

The more vaccines we get in arms, the safer we’ll be.

We can take care of each other by getting the vaccination. I am astounded by how many people just don’t seem to be real interested in keeping the other humans safe.

I thought, you know, if people are willing to get a shot on an outside chance they will win a million dollars, then what if there were other benefits? I mean, they don’t have to be real…just incentive to push people into participating in procedures that save lives.

I’m sure the CDC has to follow certain rules.

Like, you can’t make outlandish promises that have nothing to do with science, but hell, most anti-vaxxers already eschew science.

I think if the CDC published this list, we’d be on our way to finding our normal again. Whatever that ends up being.

WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER GETTING YOUR COVID-19 VACCINE:

  • Fully vaccinated people can stay up past their bedtimes and can eat ice cream for dinner.
  • Fully vaccinated people hit 75% less red lights on their commute to and from work.
  • Fully vaccinated people’s shoe strings never come untied. Unless they want them to and then the shoelaces release their knots with ease.
  • Fully vaccinated people always know what they’re making for dinner.
  • Regardless of size, fully vaccinated people can try on bathing suits without crying.
  • In every confrontation, fully vaccinated people will always be able to quickly deliver a devastating comeback.
  • Fully vaccinated people never lose the backs off their earrings.
  • If voting for Pedro will make your wildest dreams come true, then getting your vaccine will do the same and your toilets will never need cleaning.
  • The vaccine cures erectile dysfunction.
  • The vaccine will stroke your hair and help you fall asleep at night.
  • The vaccine will pose as you for all future performance reviews at work.
  • The vaccine cleans litter boxes.
  • The vaccine will bring you coffee and butter your toast.
  • Fully vaccinated people will be able to teleport as early as 2023.
  • Fully vaccinated people will develop a sense of goodwill about themselves because they know that not only are they keeping themselves safe, but they are keeping others safe as well.

I hope you are all safe and well.

Randy and I went away last weekend and spent time with our mountain friends for the first time in over a year. We were able to do that because we’re all fully vaccinated and we’re all still practicing safe habits.

Wear a mask.

Get your shot.