Seriously, you guys, I’m not taking aging seriously enough.

I’m going to be 58 next month and I just now got around to dying my hair a funky color. I am so behind. I should have done this a few years ago.

My stepdaughter told me about this hair conditioner that adds subtle color to your hair. I bought platinum and purple.

I started with the platinum. I thought the platinum would make my gray whiter and I’d have this cool sort of bride of Frankenstein thing going on.

It didn’t turn out that way, though. Mostly, the gray lightened up a little, but my hair looked more sad. Like it was gray but holding a sparkler that was just about to die out. Not the big sparklers, the little shitty sparklers.

I decided to try the purple.

I love the purple. The purple makes my hair a little darker and my gray is shades of purple ranging from a gray lavender to Paisley Park. I think I might be a unicorn now.

I mean, if the unicorn is also the Crypt Keeper.

I don’t wear makeup anymore. I never want to stop wearing pajamas. I’m basically a cave dweller at this point, so I don’t know why having purple hair means anything at all. But still. I kind of like it. I don’t brush my hair or anything, but I still like the look.

And it’s a thing. You know?

I can’t even claim I still have the dying embers of my youth anymore. And I sleep with a grandpa of six grandkids.

What I have now, is that expanse of time that hangs between middle age and elderly.

So, of course I dyed my hair purple. I think I will call this particular shade “I am TOO still fun, I mean, look at my hair! It’s fucking purple!” purple.

I’m going to hold on to these years for as long as I can. Because we all know what comes next. Next are the “capri pants with elastic waistbands and sun visor” years.

Not just capris and sun visors. I won’t be that kind of senior. I don’t think. Probably not.

There will be a top involved, I am sure. Probably, a wind breaker, too.

It’s Monday morning, I have no idea what will happen between now and noon on the 20th. I am hoping for smooth, but holding my breath, because we all know something is going to happen.

But I’ll be ready, because I’m not elderly quite yet, I have purple hair and I might be a unicorn. Or the crypt keeper.

I’m honestly cool with either.

Okay, I am not going to ignore the fact that the soon to be ex president attempted a coup. I’m not going to pretend insurrectionists didn’t storm the Capitol building.

I’m just saying, I’ve been saying for a long time now that this would happen. I mean, not exactly what happened, how could I know? But I knew it would be bloody and bad. And I don’t think we’re anywhere near done with this. I think when we learn the depths to which this planned event reached, we will collectively lose our breath.

The next few months are going to be interesting.

All that being said, I wanted to tell you guys about the Zoom meeting I attended last Thursday.

I already have a super hard time paying attention in meetings. When I can’t actually see the people, it’s even harder. Especially, if one of my cats is in the room being particularly cute.

Anyway, I was in a meeting with the marketing department and the graphic artists. We were discussing a new way of getting signage data to them for when they make signs. I wasn’t paying close attention because they went off topic for a minute and it was boring. Then, I hear one of the marketing dudes say “tertiary”.

The fuck did he just say? Did he say tertiary? What’s tertiary? 

My brain searched and tried to come up with what I learned in school. I got a stellar education at Grant County High School in Dry Ridge, KY. By stellar, I mean a terrible education. Or did I need to go all the way back to 1972 and Sister Jones at St. Augustine elementary?

Doesn’t it have something to do with rocks? Is it one of the layers of the earth? Wait..wait, what are the layers of the earth? No…no the Magna Carta is not one of the layers of the earth. 

He said tertiary again, but I wasn’t paying attention because I was trying to remember what the layers of the earth are.

By the third time he said it, I figured out what it meant through context. He was talking about multiple items on a single sign as single, secondary, tertiary and quad.

Oh, okay, tertiary is what comes after secondary. 

After the Zoom meeting was over, I looked up tertiary.

It does mean what comes after secondary. And it’s an era of time and the rocks deposited during that time. So, I was kind of right. Except the Magna Carta part. That was off. 

The layers of the earth are, of course, the crust, the mantle, the inner core and the outer core. I had to look that up as well. I think I got “mantle” mixed up with “Magna Carta”. I mean, for a second. I think “magma” is mixed up in there as well.

I looked up the Wiki on the Magna Carta. I had the time frame right and knew it had something to do with rules.

Like between the Ten Commandments and the U.S. Constitution.

Or maybe Fight Club rules.

But somewhere in that whole range of rules.

Okay, it’s a broad fucking range, but after reading the Wiki, I think the Magna Carta does fall within that range. And also has nothing to do with the layers of the earth.

I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with my work project, but I did learn a few things, so that’s cool. But I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about them.

It’s Monday morning. I have no idea what the day will bring. And I can hardly even contemplate a whole week.

Hang on.

Take care of each other. Find things to smile about. Look for pretty things.

XO

Merry Holidays!

If there really was a war on Christmas, I think the bullets should be made of gum drops and jelly beans and marshmallows.

The chemical weapon would be eggnog because nothing says “my enemy will be soundly defeated” like nutmeg flavored phlegm. The battles should be thumb wars or perhaps a game of “Go Fish”.

For heated battles, we could have pillow fights.

Then, we all come together and watch Will Ferrell movies until everyone calms the fuck down. And I’m not even a huge fan of Will Ferrell movies. Although I really love Stranger Than Fiction. 

Wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Happy any holiday and I will smile and graciously accept your desire that I am content and happy and send you along with similar sentiments.

How about if when someone wishes us joy and contentment, we accept those well wishes with grace and kindness and stop making up wars that don’t exist?

I hope unicorns visit and fill your stockings with cotton candy and winning lottery tickets. I hope that you have dancing sugar plums and fairy godmothers and hot chocolate. But not in a terrifying way. Because really, that would be weird. I’m not even sure what a sugar plum is, much less a dancing one.

I will leave you with a selection of Randy’s goat memes as my gift to you.

Someone on Twitter recently told Randy that he would have to eventually explain the meaning of the goat memes. I told her she was overthinking it. It’s just a goat.

But it’s a funny goat. Also, my husband is a weirdo.

Peace and love and light to you all.

Here are few more on Randy’s Twitter timeline. He didn’t want to load the article up with too many images which would slow down the site.

Not Rudolph

Not quite enough care

The real miracle on 34th Street

Holiday scalawag

Happy Ho Ho Holiday

Goats who abuse steroids

Like every other day

If you answered yes, here’s what to expect

Better not pout, better not cry

Doesn’t say Merry Christmas

Recommends FedEx

Has higher standards than you