My Husband and I got “Olded”

I made up the word “olded” but it really is the perfect word to describe what happened to us today. Randy and I got olded.

Someone should contact Merriam Webster because I have new entry. Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, but I find it hilarious that the actual dictionary hates Donald Trump. I love when the dictionary trolls Trump. I bet the encyclopedia would have hated him too if encyclopedias were still a thing. I bet the “T” volume would have been pissed, though. Especially “Truffles” and “Trumpet Swans”. I bet Truffles and Trumpet swans would be best friends in the encyclopedia world, but then trump came along, got between them and ruined it. Like he ruins fucking everything. Also, I know trumpet swans probably don’t follow truffles in the encyclopedia, but I don’t feel like looking it up. Just go with it. 

But I digress.

Randy and I got olded today.

Saturday morning, on a holiday weekend, Randy and I were up before 5 a.m. because we both have insomnia. After puttering around a few hours, we conceded that no more sleep would be happening. We decided to take a short trip north of us and go to the El Camino bakery in the College Hill neighborhood of Cincinnati to get pastries because El Camino is goddamn amazing.

Randy was sure that they opened at 7 a.m. Completely sure.

The neighborhoods in Cincinnati can sometimes be confusing, so I put the bakery in my GPS. I got the directions and it included the hours of operation.

Me: They don’t open until 8.

Randy: Pretty sure they open at 7.

Me: I mean, I guess my phone might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure my phone is right way more times than you are.

Randy: They open at 7.

We got there about quarter til 8. As we were parking, I saw someone come out of the bakery.

Me: Cool. They are open.

We parked around back and walked to the bakery.

They weren’t open.

They opened at 8. Just like my smartphone said they would.

We decided it would be nice to get a little walk in. The air was cool and comfortable. No one was really up and about yet. We’d just stroll up and down Hamilton Avenue until the bakery opened.

I don’t remember what we were talking about, but Randy and I often have animated conversations, complete with wild gesticulating. When we walk together, there is very often hand holding as well.

As we walked along, a car passing by us slowed down. The man in the car rolled his window down and yelled out to us. He said “I just told my wife that someday we would be you two.”

I thought “Well, isn’t that sweet?”

Then, I thought about it a little more. The man who spoke to us wasn’t old or anything, but he wasn’t young either. He might have been 35 – 40.

Me: Dude. That guy just olded us.

Randy: What?

Me: He olded us. He was saying “My wife and I will be like you many years from now” which is a nice thought, but now we’ve become the old people that other people look at and go “awww, look at the sweet old people. Existing and walking and stuff.”  He fucking olded us.

Randy: Yeah. We got olded.

Me: This is the first time. Goddammit. We’re old.

Then the bakery opened. I got a danish that had blueberries and edible flowers. Randy got a lemon one. They were lovely.

We sat at a table on the side of the building and ate our pastries before driving back home. We had been walking awhile.

It was nice to sit down because we’re goddamn old.





I guess it is time to make popcorn

I love popcorn, but it doesn’t love me. I don’t eat popcorn often, but when I do, I shovel it in like a machine and then I’m sick to my stomach for a day. Or two.

But that isn’t the point here.

You know, when you’re watching a movie, like a rom com and the particular movie will start out with the heroine going about her business, kicking life in the ass. She’s making plans. She has a goal. Everything is coming up roses.

Until it isn’t.

A series of events unfold and everything falls apart.

Then the movie starts.

That is when the movie gets good. That is when you need your popcorn, settle in, and wait to see how everything works out and gets tied up in a neat little bow.

I feel like that is my life right now. Well, not the “tied up in neat little bow” part or the “everything works out” part. I’m at the “series of events unfold” part.

I had a plan. We were moving in the right direction. If the right direction is being able to retire at least somewhat comfortably in 2.5 years. Which works out great for me as I am currently in the biggest and most difficult project in my 35+ years in IT.

The culmination of this project will result in the end of my job. We are moving from the only server I’ve ever worked on to a new platform with an ERP system written in a computer language that you don’t need a stone tablet and a chisel to write it.

I am working super hard right now to end my job. But that is fine, because when I wrap up with project from hell, my reward will be retirement.

Certainly not a fancy or extravagant retirement, but a doable one. Randy and I aren’t fancy or extravagant people. All we needed to do was pay off all of our current debt (excluding mortgage) by March of next year. Then pay off as much of the house as we can while I’m still getting the paycheck I’m getting. Most of the big things that can break in a house have broken, so we don’t have to worry about roofs, stoves, hot water heaters, plumbing in the bathroom, subpar electrical work in the kitchen or refrigerators. I wish we could have gotten the deck redone, but that isn’t a necessity.

I’m not going to lie, the plan had no wiggle room. It didn’t allow for vacations or indiscriminate spending at TJ Maxx. And Doordash has got to go. We were going to have to really pay attention to what we were spending and make some adjustments.

Well, what happens when you make a plan with no wiggle room? It’s not fucking wiggles you have to worry about. It’s the waves. It’s the T-rex stomping through the forest and then on your plans. That is what you have to worry about. No wiggle room is goddamn adorable.

Were we expecting losing a big chunk of our income? No we were not.

These things happen though.

Losing the income doesn’t change our day to day life. We’re fine. We will work it out and replace that income. Eventually.

But the plan is time sensitive and while I don’t know what will happen in the future, it is possible that this job will end and I won’t be able to leave the workforce just quite yet.

I don’t think I can adequately describe how much I don’t want that to happen. I started hating change in my mid forties. I don’t want to start a new job when the plan was retirement.

I wrote recently about letting go of our cat Alfie. We still miss him so much. Sometimes I see him in the hall or feel him jump on to the bed to cuddle in my armpit.

I also said that we were considering getting a friend for or other kitty, Gertie.

Well, we did. Not Momo, but a little tabby floofball we named Bea.

Bea (also known as Beeboop, Beebop, Bee girl, and stink butt because damn) is the sweetest little kitty. She is affectionate and loves to be held, which is not something Alfie or Gertie likes. Alfie would tolerate it. Gertie fucking hates to be picked up. After 7 years, she has just gotten to the point where she will sit on my son Joey’s lap.

We had Bea for 2 days when she went from bouncing around like a ping pong ball, to throwing up and constant diarrhea. She could barely lift her little head. You all, I didn’t think she was going to live.

We took her to the vet for 3 days in a row. She got x-rays, shots,and medicine. We had her for 3 days and 3 days after that, we were in debt over $1000.00. Which, you know, really doesn’t fit into the plan. Paying off the debt was the plan. Adding to the debt was a huge no-no in the plan.

We never actually determined what was wrong with Bea. We just know that one day last week, she perked up and announced “I AM OKAY NOW!”  She announced that by racing around like she was on crack and attacking Randy’s feet.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am that she is okay. None of us were prepared for letting go of two cats.

So yeah, now I need to make popcorn because I have to say, I am really curious how this is going to work out for our heroine. Who is directing this movie? Rob Reiner or Quentin Tarantino? Will that poor woman have to start a new job where she will probably be the oldest person there? And how will she humiliate herself in front of new people, because you know that shit is going to happen. Her plan is kind of fucked, how is that going to work out?

At least she has that adorable kitten. And there were no John Wick moments.

I really am more curious than upset. I was upset for a day. This is life and we have a lot to be grateful for and just because my “no wiggle room” plan didn’t work, doesn’t mean the “not quite as awesome but way more wiggle room” plan won’t work.

Okay, I was upset for 2 days. Maybe, 3.

Also, Bea and Gertie are most certainly not friends. Not at all. We’re hoping that changes. I’m not sure what is in the script for this, but I’m hoping it isn’t John Carpenter directing their role in the movie. Zombie Bea would be scary.

Edited to add: Randy just texted me. The dryer broke down. For fuck’s sake. 





He could have been famous. You don’t know.

So, a few local Kia dealerships were offering an anti-theft upgrade to the computer system. As we own a Kia and would prefer that it not get stolen, we decided to take advantage of the offer.

By “we”, I mean Randy took care of it.

He drove 30 miles north, but it’s all expressway on a Sunday morning, so you know, not bad.

I guess they made a big thing out of this. Randy said there were heated tents with drinks, chips, and fresh fruit. He called me while he waited in the tent.

Randy: So, this absolutely stunning woman just walked up to me and started talking to me.

Me: Nice!

Randy: She asked me if I was worried about our car getting stolen. I told her that we were planning a trip soon and since Kia’s get stolen a lot, we didn’t want to have to walk home. And that made her laugh.

Me: Uh huh.

Randy: Really. It wasn’t polite laughter or anything.

Me: Uh huh.

Randy: I thought she must work for Kia, so I asked. She said no and that she wanted to interview me for the news. I asked her who she was with and she said “Fox”. I told her no.

Me: Hahaha

Randy: She asked me why and I said, because it’s Fox. She said they were local and not affiliated with the national network. I told her it was still Fox and no.

Me: Good.

Randy: She was taken aback. I guess she figured most people want to be on TV.

Me: True. And to be fair, there is a good chance you would have said no anyway.

Randy: I probably would have said no anyway.

So, my husband had a shot to make his television debut in the greater Cincinnati area and he blew it.

On the plus side, we now have less of a chance of our car being stolen.