I joined a group online a few years ago.
A support group for empaths dealing with the aftermath of narcissism.
It took until today for me to realize this is not a group I should belong to.
Not because I’m not an empath. I am. Not because I don’t deal with the aftermath of narcissism. I do. But because I want to get out of the goddamn swamp.
Nearly all the content are people lamenting about the behavior of the person they are in a relationship with and how they just really hope that person will change.
Wait? What?
They are in a group, specifically geared toward narcissism, yet they’re waiting for the narcissist to treat them well?
I don’t understand any of this.
At first, I just answered people as best I could, which meant saying “Get out now. No contact is the only way.”
Of course, I realize not every situation is the same.
Nearly always, when it comes to being a in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, the best solution is to not be in a relationship with a malignant narcissist.
Then, I spent a long time just looking at the post through my fingers. Like, I knew it bothered me, but I wanted to be supportive. I couldn’t respond anymore because it was just frustrating.
I realized today, that I just had to be done with it. If a person joins a group about malignant narcissism, then one must assume they have more than a casual understanding of malignant narcissism.
So why is there post after post of people bemoaning the sad state of their relationship?
In one case, it was someone who hadn’t even been in the relationship long.
They were supposed to meet up for a date and the poster had fallen asleep and was 45 minutes late. They wrote this long post about apologizing over and over. They knew they messed up by oversleeping, but the narc in their life was just torturing them over the transgression and did they ruin the relationship forever? By oversleeping?
I read the post and read it again.
I scrolled back and read a number of other posts. Most every post was the person talking about how they bleed empathy and how hard their life is and how, oh how, can I save this broken person who belittles and hurts me? How can I salvage this relationship? Also, I am a saint.
And it dawned on me.
Holy shit.
How many of these people are covert narcissists?
How many are getting their supply by pouring their hearts out over how selfless and loving they are, but continue to be beaten down by the narc in their life?
I’m not saying it’s all of them. Or even most of them.
I don’t think I’m becoming more cynical with this realization, I think I’m growing.
There is such a problem with narcissism in this country. We are literally surrounded by this particular mental illness.
I guess I’m always going to be learning.
Still, had to be done with that group. I got nothing from it but annoyed.
Photo courtesy of Meelimello