It was a rough work week. I don’t even want to talk about it. Just trust me, it blew goats.
I am going to get weird goat search terms now. Well, MORE weird goat search terms is more accurate.
Anyway, it was a rough week. I decided to unwind by going on Goop and scrolling through Gwyneth’s gift giving guide. I had some excess frustration, anger, and despair to unload. I wanted to be filled with righteous indignation over the ridiculous and out of touch gift suggestions.
Honestly, I was disappointed. I mean, were there overpriced items? Of course. I would never buy a $220 neck pillow. That’s ridiculous, but not shocking. I was kind of pissed, actually. I had pent up rage to unload, man.
Okay, perhaps the $1500. throw blanket was a bit much. I mean, nothing says “I don’t really know you, but I am obligated to buy you a gift” like a throw blanket. You can get a nice one at Target for under 30 bucks. Still, the expensive throw blanket wasn’t worth more than an eye roll.
I was complaining to Randy that the Goop site wasn’t ridiculous enough so I decided I would make my own. I would create the kind of gift guide I need to see when I am cranky, tired, and need to be indignant over something.
Here’s my own Christmas Goop:
Antique Hand Towels – These 14th century hand towels were woven by woodland fairies from a nearby dimension. The cloth never wrinkles or gets dirty. The intricate embroidered designs (designs may vary) were done by women who used embroidery needles forged in a neighborhood near hell by a needle making artist named Herb. These towels are truly one of a kind welcome gift. Due to the age of these hand towels, there is a possibility of total disintegration before they are delivered to you. Our policy on this is: That sucks really hard. No returns. Price $14,459.99
Hand made soap and bearer bonds – This is a fun gift! The soap contains a treasure of bearer bonds! But who knows what the value is? The lucky recipient will wash their way to a bearer bond worth at least $10,000., but maybe they will be lucky enough to get the quarter of a million dollar bond! Scents include: Organic blood orange, Lavender ‘n’ Rosemary and that scent my housekeeper wears on Fridays. Price $150,000.
Gifts for the Thinker
Levitating reading light – What do we do when we find ourselves unable to sleep long after our spouse has been visited by the sandman? Reading is often relaxing, but how often do we find our spouses annoyed because the reading light glare literally blinds them in their sleep? This gift would be welcomed by the reader on your holiday gift giving list. This reading light, not only levitates to the perfect height and angle for their reading comfort, it also detects the movements of their sleeping spouse and actually dims itself and ducks under the bed. Then, when their spouse asks where the light was coming from, your lucky gift recipient can feign innocence and wait until they drift off again before finishing the chapter. Price: $760,000.00
Albert Einstein’s working brain – You don’t think the government let Einstein’s brain rest just because he died, do you? Hahahaha. Silly, naive consumer. Now, you can have Einstein’s brain for your very own. Want to play checkers? Set up the board and see if you can beat Einstein! Get your daily horoscope and advice on your kid’s science fair project. You will never have to worry about making small talk at parties again! Bring Einstein’s brain with you and you will be the most sought after guest in your social circle! Price: Your immortal soul and the blood of your firstborn
Gifts for the cook
Food Delivery Service – This isn’t your typical “meals ready to cook” service. This service combines modern technology with old world charm. Your food boxes arrive, ready to open. Other than placing plates precisely spaced as defined in the directions, that is literally all you have to do. Open the box. The contents of the box disassembles into pieces the size of a grain of sand. Each granule is equipped with a small explosive. These grains will detonate, giving you and your guests a magical show before reassembling on plates, perfectly cooked and plated. The lingering odor from the fireworks display refreshes your kitchen. Multiple scents are available: Rosemary, honey and sandalwood, Citrus and sage or the scent my housekeeper wears on Fridays. The technology required to cook and assemble food in this manner is bleeding edge. The old world flair is provided by the teeniest bit of dark magic required to hold the process together. Price for one month of meals: $14,000,000.
Pasta Roller/Time Machine – Once you eat pasta you’ve rolled yourself, you will never go back to boxed. The taste is sublime. The lucky recipient of this gift will thank you for years to come even though their carb intake increases enough to shave a few years off their life. They might become reclusive because all their spare time will be spent making and eating pasta. It’s that good! It’s also a time machine. Price: All the tea in China
Gifts for the Lovers
Lingerie that looks sexy while making the wearer feel gorgeous and sultry – Price: one billion dollars
Anti-cock block system: This handy device will be cherished by parents with young children. When the kids are young, it is a rare occasion that the parents get laid. Mostly, this is due to children having the unerring ability to detect when their parents are about to get jiggy with it. Of course, no self respecting child can allow that to happen as they demand entrance to their parent’s bedroom with dire news or a problem, like “Jimmy ate the face off of all the fish in the aquarium” or “I can’t stop farting” . The anti-cock block system creates a soft and nurturing force field between your den of love and your spawn. The system encourages your child to watch educational television and makes them a tasty, yet healthy, snack. This force field lasts for 9.8 minutes (which is more time than you’ll probably need), so you’re going to have to hurry. Price: All your happy memories and your ability to taste chocolate.
Okay, so isn’t that gift guide more entertaining than Goop’s?
As it turns out, I missed a whole section when I first went to the Goop gift guide. There is a tab for “ridiculous” gifts. This, for instance: Dennis Hopper’s personal record collection. It’s not that it costs $150,000.00. It’s that they wax poetic over Dennis Hopper’s decades of record collecting that resulted in just over 100 albums. Fucking really? That’s not a record collection. I mean, technically, it is a record collection, but it’s a lame ass collection.
So, where are your favorite places to shop online? I’ve already spent my Christmas budget, but you know, there’s always a few last minute gifts to buy.