Christmas Magic for the Long Married Couples


You guys, he did it.

Randy totally outdid himself with Christmas magic.

I mean, it was only in my head, but still.

I love my big man more than anything. I am glad to spend my years with him and I actually feel somewhat smug about our relationship. We’re amazing together.

That being said, motherfucker is not the best gift giver in the world.

***NOTE*** Everything in italics is shit Randy is saying to me as I write this post.

I seem to recall there were a few Christmas’s when you got a little blue box. 

Okay, so the other day, Randy said something and I’ve been excited ever since. He said something like “You are going to be so happy soon. I am going to make you love me even more. It has to do with music.”

I asked him what he meant and he just said “You’ll see.”

For days, I have been wondering what he was talking about. I have been super excited. Did he find tickets for a band I’ve always wanted to see? I mean, that makes sense. What else would make me that happy?

What about that time I went to the makeup counter at Nordstrom’s ? You loved that stuff. 

Randy owns some major gift fails.

Once, for our wedding anniversary, he got me a wet/dry shaver.

Another time, he got me this black velour shirt, with leopard print velour cuffs christmas magicand a leopard print velour collar. A 90 year old woman in Miami would have looked at that and proclaimed it gaudy. And I can’t even describe the necklace. It had orange spikes on it. Or teeth. I don’t know, I don’t remember. I made him take it back.

What about last year, huh? I got you that standing mixer. You love that mixer. 

One time, I averted gift disaster because another thing Randy can’t do, is keep a secret. As you can see, he has gotten me some pretty amazing gifts. But do I get them on Christmas? No. No, I do not. He has to give them to me when he gets them because he’s like a kid.

ALFIE! Ha! Top that one! I got you a kitty for Christmas. Best gift ever. 

Anyway, that time he broke down and showed me a catalog with pictures of the present he was going to order. A rockabilly halter dress with red cherries all over it. Shiny red pumps and plastic cherry barrettes. It was adorable. If I had been 12 years old.

I have gotten you a lot of good presents. The spa trips? 

It dawned on me tonight, that if he really found something that amazing, no way could he keep it a secret. No way. So, I asked him about it.

Me: So….did you get me a Christmas present.

Randy, sensing a trap: Not yet?

Me: Really? Because the other day you said that thing about making me so happy. Something to do with music.



Randy: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Me: Oh man..I knew it. I was all excited because you said you were going to make me so happy and that I would fall in love with you more.

Randy: Yeah, I don’t remember that at all.

And now we circle back around to the top as this is the point we started talking about whether or not Randy buys good gifts.

And I know some of you are going to think “he’s just fooling her! He does have something amazing and he’s going to surprise her!”

HAHAHAHA. No. What probably happened is he played a video for me or something and forgot to tell me that was the surprise.

On the other hand…

Every year, for 24 years, I’ve asked Randy what he wants for Christmas. And every year, for 24 years, he has said the same thing. “To wake up next to you.”

So, like I said, not all of his gifts are bad.


Photo courtesy of Elaina Morgan



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  • This old married couple has Christmas magic, too. Our fiftieth anniversary is coming up in May, (Would you believe he married me when I was but a mere zygote?) and part of our Christmas decorations is a little wooden wall-hanging that says, “All I want for Christmas is you.” And it’s true! As of last year, we buy gifts for the kids and grandkids, but we simply exchange cards with each other. (I suggested we go to the store together, pick out cards, exchange them in the store, kiss, put them back in the rack and come back home, but he, uh, thought I was kidding. HA! In my defense, do you have any IDEA how many cards a couple can accumulate after exchanging them for over fifty years???) Anyhow, we’re both verrrry happy with putting the end to gift exchanges. However, this year, we decided to get our pool table re-felted as a gift to us from us. 🙂

    Merry Christmas! Whatever Randy gives to you in a poorly-wrapped box swathed in half a roll of cellophane tape, (Or was that just my husband…?) it can’t possibly top the gift you’ve already given each other… yourselves.

  • Fucking Randy… what a great guy and good husband…
    Gift giving is quite the ordeal… both the giving AND receiving ends… I try not to participate in the receiving end part, and dread the giving part enough to eyeball the Vodka bottle with true desire.
    I THINK I’m being an ‘easy’ receiver by telling everybody, ‘NO GIFTS!!!’ (OK, Maybe I holler that part and run from the room crying, but… ) …seems more like I’ve created a ‘dare’ situation…argghh.
    I KNOW who REALLY loves me by the not unwrapping of the gift they didn’t buy because that’s what I REALLY WANT!!!
    Oy. Then I spend the thousands of dollars on the kids and grandkids, cuz, you know… dogma dictates gifts from Gramma… but I do cheat a little… the dates don’t always correspond with a holiday… 😉
    Unfortunately/Fortunately, in your case, Michelle… you might wanna go get Randy TWO presents…. One for if he wows your socks off and is spectacular and everything he always knew you knew he wanted; and a back up, ‘easy – peasy’ ‘love you long time’ gift that will keep the exchange even …
    Good luck!!
    This is why your marriage rocks… you always meet and/or beat the delightful gift giving phases and money munching holidays with humor and respect.
    Fucking love you guys <3

  • My wife and I will occasionally find something in a store that we think the other would like, but probably not really use (like, say, a bouquet of flowers or a humorous barbecue set, or cards), so we’ll say, “I got you this, but let’s leave it here so someone else can have it.” That way we can pretend we are magnanimous, instead of just poor.

  • It’s okay. I do the same thing. As I have gotten older, I’ve stopped wanting to know what people are getting me. There are so few surprises in my life, I appreciate the ones that happen.

    But the gifts I give? I’m terrible about letting the cat out of the bag.

    “Cat out of the bag” is a weird saying.

    Anyway, hope your gift is musical and fantastic!

  • Awwwww! I am a practical gift giver, usually socks or underwear. Slippers is a big present. No one gets excited about my presents ever and I am good with that on every holiday because we all need socks and underwear and someone has to buy them!

  • OMG – sounds like your husband is at least a cousin to my husband! Mostly, we don’t go in for big gifts since we don’t make a fuss about holidays. Also, we’ve been spending every dime on our house remodel, so gifts, other than those for our son, fall into the “token” category. But even before we poured our wallets into home ownership, my hubby wasn’t a great gifter. He’s AWESOME with some hints. Like for our 15th anniversary, I said I wanted jewelry of some kind. He knows my taste and nailed it. I’m not into gemstones. He got me a necklace with a romantic/steampunk vibe. He knows me. My ongoing gift is that he’s smart, funny, always has my back and likes my gnarly, bunion feet. Where you gonna find another guy who thinks bunion feet are cute?

  • The only sort of holiday gifts (birthdays mostly, but December birthdays, so not much difference) I’ve given or received in recent years have been musical. Sara and I gave each other birthday gifts in 2015 by going to a winery in Sonoma and seeing The Joy Formidable (I bought, she drove, it was awesome) and Brenda bought us tickets to see Neko Case at the Fox Theater in Oakland in 2016 (November 16, the perfect antidote to the election) and for her birthday this year Briana got strings for her bass… I suggested that she buy them from a real music store, instead of online, and as those are getting fewer and farther between these days, she got them from Acme Music, which used to be on MacArthur Blvd. and walking distance from where we lived on Humboldt Ave. but have since moved, and catching up with the owner was half of the gift.
    Perhaps Randy has something up his sleeve this time, or perhaps this post will motivate him to do something in keeping with the subject.
    I gave Briana one Christmas present that was outstanding, back in the eighties when we were still spending Christmas at my parents house. It was an Echo scarf that was awesome. My idea was to get her a scarf with silver looking highlights on it, like one I had seen a girl I worked with wearing, but after I went looking for it, and bought one that only kind of looked like I wanted it to, I saw the Echo scarf in a shop window in Berkeley and had to have it.
    To this day she has a large collection of scarves, which are mostly attempts at replacing that Echo scarf she liked so much. I don’t remember how she lost it, but I do know that you can’t get another one like it. Right now, the cat is napping on the bag with those scarves in it.

  • I don’t even ask DH anymore what he wants for Xmas – he always replies “Socks & “Underwear”. Sadly I end up getting him those because by the time Xmas comes around, he needs them. I asked what we were doing for Xmas this year and he looked at me like WTF – “I thought the motorhome was our present?” For what? The next effing 30 years? Ugh….. We’re living in the MoHo right now so I don’t exactly consider it a gift. And he just can’t buy gifts. So I do what I have done for so many years – I find what I want and I buy it and give it to him to wrap. No complaints tho – he’s great at plumbing & electrical and the best bug catcher and toilet plunger guy around. ’nuff said

    Sadly, his birthday is 4 days after Xmas and I have to go through this again.

By Michelle


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