You guys, he did it.
Randy totally outdid himself with Christmas magic.
I mean, it was only in my head, but still.
I love my big man more than anything. I am glad to spend my years with him and I actually feel somewhat smug about our relationship. We’re amazing together.
That being said, motherfucker is not the best gift giver in the world.
***NOTE*** Everything in italics is shit Randy is saying to me as I write this post.
I seem to recall there were a few Christmas’s when you got a little blue box.
Okay, so the other day, Randy said something and I’ve been excited ever since. He said something like “You are going to be so happy soon. I am going to make you love me even more. It has to do with music.”
I asked him what he meant and he just said “You’ll see.”
For days, I have been wondering what he was talking about. I have been super excited. Did he find tickets for a band I’ve always wanted to see? I mean, that makes sense. What else would make me that happy?
What about that time I went to the makeup counter at Nordstrom’s ? You loved that stuff.
Randy owns some major gift fails.
Once, for our wedding anniversary, he got me a wet/dry shaver.
Another time, he got me this black velour shirt, with leopard print velour cuffs and a leopard print velour collar. A 90 year old woman in Miami would have looked at that and proclaimed it gaudy. And I can’t even describe the necklace. It had orange spikes on it. Or teeth. I don’t know, I don’t remember. I made him take it back.
What about last year, huh? I got you that standing mixer. You love that mixer.
One time, I averted gift disaster because another thing Randy can’t do, is keep a secret. As you can see, he has gotten me some pretty amazing gifts. But do I get them on Christmas? No. No, I do not. He has to give them to me when he gets them because he’s like a kid.
ALFIE! Ha! Top that one! I got you a kitty for Christmas. Best gift ever.
Anyway, that time he broke down and showed me a catalog with pictures of the present he was going to order. A rockabilly halter dress with red cherries all over it. Shiny red pumps and plastic cherry barrettes. It was adorable. If I had been 12 years old.
I have gotten you a lot of good presents. The spa trips?
It dawned on me tonight, that if he really found something that amazing, no way could he keep it a secret. No way. So, I asked him about it.
Me: So….did you get me a Christmas present.
Randy, sensing a trap: Not yet?
Me: Really? Because the other day you said that thing about making me so happy. Something to do with music.
Randy: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: Oh man..I knew it. I was all excited because you said you were going to make me so happy and that I would fall in love with you more.
Randy: Yeah, I don’t remember that at all.
And now we circle back around to the top as this is the point we started talking about whether or not Randy buys good gifts.
And I know some of you are going to think “he’s just fooling her! He does have something amazing and he’s going to surprise her!”
HAHAHAHA. No. What probably happened is he played a video for me or something and forgot to tell me that was the surprise.
On the other hand…
Every year, for 24 years, I’ve asked Randy what he wants for Christmas. And every year, for 24 years, he has said the same thing. “To wake up next to you.”
So, like I said, not all of his gifts are bad.
Photo courtesy of Elaina Morgan