Six months.
It took six months to get my thyroid medicine right. I have felt like ass for six months now. It started back in July when I lost consciousness on a friend’s rooftop deck and ended last week when the doc told me my levels were finally normal.
Or so I thought.
I have not been feeling well for a week or so. Sluggish, foggy, achy with daily headaches. Then last Thursday, when I came back from lunch, I got a dizzy spell so bad that I had to drop everything in my hands and sit down. It wasn’t as bad as back in July, but had I been sitting out in the heat and had a few drinks in me, I think it might have been.
The dizzy spell passed and my brain went into panic mode. No. No no no. This is like the beginning. I can’t do this again. I can’t do six more months of feeling like hammered shit.
I sat at my desk and willed myself to stop thinking about the dizzy spell. It was an anomaly. I am not sleeping well because I stopped taking my sleeping pills. It’s allergies. I’m fine.
The self talk didn’t work too well. My inner voice had me convinced I was dying before I finished the soup. I was happy the soup didn’t spill in the bag when I dropped it on my desk.
About an hour later, I got a sharp stabbing pain in my ear. Oh, it’s an ear infection. Thank the fucking stars. I have an ear infection.
I made an appointment to see the doctor and told my boss I was taking Friday off.
I woke up on Friday morning. My ear didn’t hurt.
Doesn’t matter. I have an ear infection. I am sure of it. I have an ear infection, I’ll feel like shit all weekend, and I don’t care. I’m going to read books, watch movies, and be so goddamn happy that it’s an ear infection that I won’t mind the wasted weekend.
I was 5 minutes late to the doctor.
I don’t have an ear infection.
The doctor recommended antihistamines and a decongestant. I definitely have some head congestion, but she couldn’t see any sign of infection.
I also remembered that I had an issue a few years ago with acid reflux. I had silent acid reflux, which means I didn’t really feel it. The reflux got so bad, the acid would reach my sinus cavities, irritate them, and give me the feeling of a constant sinus infection. It took nearly 4 months to figure that out.
I’ve noticed that I’m feeling a little acidy most days. It occurred to me that if I could actually feel the acid, then the reflux is probably pretty bad.
I took the antihistamines. I took some acid medicine. I’m going to be fine. This is going to pass.
I thought about people who deal with chronic pain. Holy shit, I experienced a micro-chasm of what it must be like to live with chronic pain and it was as close to breaking as I’ve ever been.
My heart goes out to you those of you who live with constant pain. I can’t think of a better definition of a “strong person” than one who deals with a chronic illness. You are truly the motherfucking bad asses of the world.
Even if there are days you can’t get out of bed. Or weeks that you are laid up. Sooner or later, you get up and you do go on. You are amazing.
It’s not just the physical discomfort. It’s the mental exhaustion that comes with dealing with life and pain all day every day. For fuck’s sake, I got so sick of hearing myself say “I don’t feel good” that I just stopped saying it. Not saying the words didn’t mean I felt better.
I know I am going to feel better again. I just wanted to say to those of you who live with pain every day that I think you are amazing and strong and I wish you nothing but contentment, healing, and peace.
Rock on with your big bad selves.
You’re pretty badass yourself. I remember when I had shingles; you’re right, it got so damn annoying to always be tired, to never have energy, to feel as if the pain was never going to go away. You can do this. This is what you do.
Thank you, sister..you’re right..I can do this..I mean, I kind of have to.
I hurt my shoulder badly about 6 months ago, went to physical therapy, got better. But I’ve re-injured it a couple times since then. The pain was agonizing – but I knew it would eventually go away. And you’re spot on that the mental exhaustion is as bad as the physical pain.
It gave me a new respect for my sister, who has fibromyalgia, suffers pain every day, and still manages a part time job.
I had a shoulder injury a few years ago and it’s terrible. I feel bad for your sister. I can’t even imagine…
Thanks God for not having chronic pain. Enough chronics si vous plait.
Always like your blog. Makes me think, feel grateful, humble and enlightened because you express the issue clearly. I may not agree with you over some minnie moe detail but I find myself in total agreement more often. Rare. Too bad you can’t get paid for this.
Thank you so much. And yes…too bad I don’t get paid…either way, though, I still love it, so I’m not stopping.
Thanks for this. I hope you are feeling better. As someone who never takes drugs, rarely sees the doctor and who never catches flu, colds etc, I have been brought to my knees by a serious dental problem. This has been going on for months and I am utterly sick of it. At first, I was dealing with the pain very well using natural remedies but it has gone beyond that. Our health service has a system which is very slow and at times, incompetent staff screw things up. This happened with me back in the summer when records of a hospital consultation didn’t make it onto the system and I was left waiting for a call back that never came. When I eventually started making enquiries, my treatment was set back 6 months because of it. I have now had my scan and am waiting to go back in early Jan to find out when the surgery will be. Meanwhile, I am struggling to maintain interest in anything while trying to pretend to be OK to the rest of the world. So I can totally relate to this and sincerely hope you get well and stay well.
Oh man…I am SO SORRY you are going through that. I feel you, I really do. The mental strain horrible. It makes anxiety and depression very hard to manage.
chronic pain would suck the life out of me – I’m bad enough dealing with headaches all the time and they don’t lay me out flat on the bed – just drive me crazy! Glad you’re getting things back under control x
I dunno…chronic headaches are horrible. My oldest child suffers from them. I get them a lot..but not every day or anything.
Change up some symptoms and add a shitload of humility and this has been my life and my thoughts for the past 6 weeks. Never let anyone tell you that giving birth (which I’ve done twice…to sizable babies I might add) or kidney stones are more painful than, as my Dr. put it, “a pissed off anal fissure.” It is the epitome of pain and I have found myself thinking the same thing, especially right after surgery…”How do people live with chronic pain everyday of their lives?” I applaud anyone who is existing, especially with their dignity intact, and lives with chronic pain everyday. Thank you for bringing awareness to it and for your refreshingly brutal honesty in your life-capades. We will be back to “normal” one day.
Thank you for sharing this! And I hope you are back to normal soon.
It’s very hard to put ourselves in the same shoes as those who suffer sometimes when we are mostly well. Here’s to feeling better in 2016….for us all!
YES!!! Feeling good all around!!
Yes, chronic pain sucks and yes, kudos to those who muddle through every day without telling. I’m sorry you are dealing with health issues. But you are brave to share and kind to acknowledge those who are ‘dealing’ every day, especially in silence.
I can’t imagine there being no end to this. I am amazed by people who deal with pain as just a part of life.
I love you gal…I live in constant pain with my arthritis, but I’ve had 47 years to adapt to the pain…I believe I kick it’s ass more than it kicks mine!! It is mentally exhausting and physically challenging at times, but overall…I dismiss the majority of the pain in my powerful bad ass mind!!
Sweetheart, you were in my head when I wrote this.
I totally know how you’re feeling and my heart goes out to you. I don’t want this to come across as a “poor me” comment since its just basically my truth, but other than my late husband and grandmother, I’ve never had much of a support system. Through an anxiety disorder, to developing an autoimmune condition that crippled me at one point and now, the loss of my husband, I have a family that makes anything I’m going through all about THEM and my best friends live no where near me. My friends are a tremendous support by phone, but you know, it isn’t the same as having someone THERE for you in person. So, I muddle through my days as best as I can because what choice do any of us really have? I’m too much of a feisty bitch to give up!
I do feel for all of you who are going through it—-I also cringed with empathy at Gilly’s comment. I have had so much dental work done on my mouth and you’d think I’d have a smile like Christy Brinkley’s by now. But, no, just a mouth desperately in need of MORE dental work. It’s as if once these dentists and doctors get inside your mouth and body, they only create additional havoc! What the hell is with THAT?? I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and hope that we all have a much better and healthier 2016!
I’m glad you are a feisty bitch!!! Yeah, I am so thankful for my support system..which is mostly Randy..but he’s awesome.
Thanks for this! Hope you feel better soon! I was sick with arthritis and Hashimoto’s for a long time, diagnosed at 30- I could barely walk a block. One day I said fuck this and went to see a holistic M.D. I am drug free and pain free finally. Also, that silent reflux is a bitch – I had it for several years. I gave up dairy and it went away. I hope those still suffering with chronic pain find healing and yes they kick ass!
I need to change my diet. I KNOW there are things I shouldn’t ingest, but I’m goddamn stubborn.
Thank you for writing this. You have no idea how much you have helped.
This means so much to me. I am glad it helped. 🙂
I know so many with chronic pain it’s almost epidemic. Thanks for writing this. I’ll share with those people.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you, Michelle.
I’ve lived with chronic back pain since February 2012. I was diagnosed in July 2013 with Chronic Degenerative Disc Disease between L5-S1 (and beginning at L3-L4).
I’ve been with my pain specialist for a little over two and a half years. After tweaking medications for almost 18 months, I stayed on fairly high dosage of pain killers and muscle relaxers for six months, taking a total of 20 pills a day. I’ve been slowly coming off all my meds and right now, I’m on my antidepressant and half my original dose of a sleeping aid/pain killer.
My doctor believed in the theory that you can retrain your brain in six months. It worked for me. So far. I know I can’t push myself anymore, because I will have thus disease the rest of my life, but it doesn’t have me!
Thanks for writing on this topic. Most people who do not struggle with chronic pain don’t understand what we go through. My specialist in Halifax told me that I was non-operable and that I would have to ‘grin and bear it’. What a prick!
fucking hell…what is there to ‘grin’ about???
My husband suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, the daring duo of PAIN. There’s not one damn thing I can do for him. He has good medical care, yet it is limited in what is available for the agony of daily living. Take the pain away and he is a zombie, live with the pain and he is doing everything he can to numb himself. It is neverending. I agree with you, people with chronic pain are super heroes. Iron Man would be brought to his knees if he had to live one day in my husband’s Doc Martens.
I am so sorry to hear that. 🙁
Pain is an asshole.
I feel like you just gave me a big hug. Hope you feel better soon! <3
XOXOXOXOX I had you in mind…you and a woman I used to work with..
Damn, Michelle, I keep waiting for your health to quit fucking with you, and it keeps failing to listen to me.
I know that I’m amazingly lucky because my major health issues have been mostly painless. Going blind is a pain in the ass, but I can see better now than I could before the cataracts hit, and I still can’t walk right from the stroke, but I keep getting better at it even still, now almost eight years later… When it starts to piss me off, which it still does sometimes, I just make myself remember relearning how to stand up in acute rehab, and all of the other patients there who were worse off than I was. Then I wonder if they have improved as much as I have, and hope that the answer is yes.
I really am getting better..just got a little worried there. I think most of my problem is I haven’t been working out and my diet has been bad for a couple weeks. I just have to get back on track. I will. I’m getting tired of feeling bad.
A doctor once told me “Pain is our body’s way of telling us something is wrong.” And I want to find a way to say, “MESSAGE RECEIVED! You can shut it off now, thanks!” Even a fucking fire alarm gets turned off once the fire department arrives, right?
And I make that comparison because most of the time fire alarms are false alarms. Why our bodies so consistently insist on pulling false alarms is beyond me.
Anyway I hope you feel better soon and figure out whatever’s going on and are able to deal with it without having to make drastic changes to your eating or drinking habits.
If pain makes you give up tippling right in the middle of the holidays then it’s taking assholishness to a whole new level.
That, my friend, is NOT going to happen. I plan to be pleasantly buzzed for a few days.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling crummy. I agree, people who deal with chronic illness are the true toughies of the world. I have a sister-in-law with MS. I start to feel sorry for myself and then think of her, who can’t walk. It puts everything in perspective.
Yep…there is always someone who is dealing with more than we are.
I agree about the chronic pain sufferers, but you sound like you haven’t exactly had a picnic going on. Grr I don’t know why everything can’t just be simple when we have issues huh? This will pass… I hope super quick for you doll!!
No..no it has not, it’s been a really tough couple of years, but so far, everything I have had is treatable and will go away..it’s just taken a while. haha.
Tonight is the first time I’ve signed on in days and when I saw this I knew I had to read it. All I can say is Thank you because to often people like me hear, “Damn, you’re sick again” and that can suck up every bit of energy that we’ve finally built back up. The worst is “its all in your head” I was told that so often I finally gave up and it wasn’t until I was laying in a hospital bed hours from being dead that they finally realized damn it isn’t in her head. I’m one of the lucky ones whose problems actually show up on medical tests. All of the poor people out there that aren’t as lucky live with being treated as a faker and that’s the hardest. Merry Christmas sister!…and don’t tell anyone I’ve been here haha! and more than anything thanks for checking up on me when I needed it the most. You’re a true friend to the end! I hope you get to feeling better!
I am so happy to see you! I know this is a tough time for you and you’ve been in my thoughts. I can’t imagine anyone telling me I was faking over the past six months, that would have made me feel terrible.
I remember when I was 38 years old and got mono that someone I worked with said I was “milking” it. Fucking really? I missed ONE day of work. Mono is horrible and I was milking it. I remember how frustrated and angry that made me feel.
I am sending you peaceful thought, my friend. xo
Thank you for the acknowledgement. I have fibro and arthritis, along with a few other painful ailments. Some days it really sucks. I don’t take pain meds. I have no choice but to get up and go as I have a little one. I hope things get better for you. I wish no one pain.
Oh man..I am so sorry you have to live with that. 🙁
Here’s to as many pain free minutes as possible.
Finally had a chance to read and reply. Like many others with chronic pain – especially the years when they think it is because you’re not trying hard enough to get better – it is frustrating and demoralizing.
But one of the best therapies, and one of the reasons I love your blog – is humor. When you laugh, nothing hurts.