Where you never graduate and you have to stay until you are very old. Or maybe dead.
The other day, Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle, got to work and messaged me with an idea for a blog post. She said, what if companies published a yearbook once a year and we had a day where we went around and got people at work to sign our yearbooks?
We came up with a shit ton of funny yearbook ideas and then I closed the chat window without saving it. You guys have no idea how much gold I continually throw out by doing that shit. I didn’t forget everything though. I probably forgot the funniest parts. I’m reasonably sure I always forget the funniest parts.
Can’t you just see what the candid shots would look like? There’d be a few pages of people flipping off their bosses behind the bosses back. Lots of raised hands with a ‘don’t take my fucking picture’ look. Pictures of people with their hands on their mouse, minimizing their internet tabs.
I suck at that, by the way. I am way too guilty when I minimize my internet tabs. I finally got a cubicle where my monitor isn’t visible to anyone walking up. So what do I do? I go and get a new job.
Group shots would be a bunch of woman fighting to stand in the back row. The HR group shot would be perky. The payroll department would look bored. The IT department would be exuding annoyance and their collective faces would be saying ‘as soon as you are finished taking this picture, I’m fucking your computer up and then putting my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’. Unless the group pictures were taken first thing Monday morning, then all the groups would look like the zombies from The Walking Dead.
I’ve been on a Walking Dead marathon. I avoided it for a long time because I couldn’t stand the thought of Norman Reedus being anyone but Murphy MacManus from Boondock Saints. Turns out I like him just fine as Daryl Dixon.
I would have to imagine that signing a coworker’s yearbook wouldn’t be quite the same as it was signing friend’s yearbooks in high school. If I had to guess, I would say the yearbook signings would like more like these:
Sondra, stop cooking in the lunchroom every fucking day. It’s weird. Pack your lunch in a goddamn paper bag like the rest of us. Stay cool!
Dave, everyone knows it’s you who takes the last piece of cake. Everyone. Remember me and I’ll remember you!
Creepy Mail Room Guy, I wish I had gotten to know you better! Or at least I wish I could stop having anxiety dreams about you where you turn my skin into lamp shades! Have a GREAT Summer!
Tara, I hope you fall off your stripper shoes. Love you like a sister!
Bob, if you don’t stop bringing leftover fish and heating it up in the microwave, the rest of us are going to kill you. Do you understand, Bob? We’re going to kill you. Don’t let your meat loaf!
Jill, we all know you sign up for committees to get out of doing work. And stop baking cookies. You suck at baking. Good luck with all the guys!!
Gerald, wearing sweat socks with black dress shoes looks completely ridiculous and we all judge you for it. Be good! And if you can’t be good, then name it after me!
Ellen, if you don’t stop calling me to tell me that you sent me an email, I’m going to break your fingers. Go General Accounting Department!
Also, I would bet the quotes beneath the head shots would be quite different as well:
If I have a heart attack, please drag me out to the parking lot. Don’t let me die in my cubicle.
When I’m sick, I lick your keyboard.
I’m not nearly as nice as you think I am.
The only thing that gets me through my day is plotting my coworker’s demise.
I can make nearly anything look like an accident.
I make mistakes on purpose just to piss you off.
So, what do you think? Will this become part of the normal benefits package in the future? Medical, dental, 401k and yearbooks?
What would you sign in your coworkers yearbook?