The Class Of Cubicle High

Where you never graduate and you have to stay until you are very old. Or maybe dead.

The other day, Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle, got to work and messaged me with an idea for a blog post. She said, what if companies published a yearbook once a year and we had a day where we went around and got people at work to sign our yearbooks?

We came up with a shit ton of funny yearbook ideas and then I closed the chat window without saving it. You guys have no idea how much gold I continually throw out by doing that shit. I didn’t forget everything though. I probably forgot the funniest parts. I’m reasonably sure I always forget the funniest parts.

Can’t you just see what the candid shots would look like? There’d be a few pages of people flipping off their bosses behind the bosses back. Lots of raised hands with a ‘don’t take my fucking picture’ look. Pictures of people with their hands on their mouse, minimizing their internet tabs.

I suck at that, by the way. I am way too guilty when I minimize my internet tabs. I finally got a cubicle where my monitor isn’t visible to anyone walking up. So what do I do? I go and get a new job. 

Group shots would be a bunch of woman fighting to stand in the back row. The HR group shot would be perky. The payroll department would look bored. The IT department would be exuding annoyance and their collective faces would be saying ‘as soon as you are finished taking this picture, I’m fucking your computer up and then putting my phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’.  Unless the group pictures were taken first thing Monday morning, then all the groups would look like the zombies from The Walking Dead.  

I’ve been on a Walking Dead marathon. I avoided it for a long time because I couldn’t stand the thought of Norman Reedus being anyone but Murphy MacManus from Boondock Saints. Turns out I like him just fine as Daryl Dixon. 

I would have to imagine that signing a coworker’s yearbook wouldn’t be quite the same as it was signing friend’s yearbooks  in high school. If I had to guess, I would say the yearbook signings would like more like these:

Sondra, stop cooking in the lunchroom every fucking day. It’s weird. Pack your lunch in a goddamn paper bag like the rest of us. Stay cool!

Dave, everyone knows it’s you who takes the last piece of cake. Everyone. Remember me and I’ll remember you!

Creepy Mail Room Guy, I wish I had gotten to know you better! Or at least I wish I could stop having anxiety dreams about you where you turn my skin into lamp shades! Have a GREAT Summer!

Tara, I hope you fall off your stripper shoes. Love you like a sister!

Bob, if you don’t stop bringing leftover fish and heating it up in the microwave, the rest of us are going to kill you. Do you understand, Bob? We’re going to kill you. Don’t let your meat loaf!

Jill, we all know you sign up for committees to get out of doing work. And stop baking cookies. You suck at baking. Good luck with all the guys!!

Gerald, wearing sweat socks with black dress shoes looks completely ridiculous and we all judge you for it. Be good! And if you can’t be good, then name it after me!

Ellen, if you don’t stop calling me to tell me that you sent me an email, I’m going to break your fingers. Go General Accounting Department!

Also, I would bet the quotes beneath the head shots would be quite different as well:

If I have a heart attack, please drag me out to the parking lot. Don’t let me die in my cubicle. 

When I’m sick, I lick your keyboard. 

I’m not nearly as nice as you think I am. 

The only thing that gets me through my day is plotting my coworker’s demise.

I can make nearly anything look like an accident.

I make mistakes on purpose just to piss you off. 

So, what do you think? Will this become part of the normal benefits package in the future? Medical, dental, 401k and yearbooks?

What would you sign in your coworkers yearbook?

 

 

 

 

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29 comments

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  • “Tara, I hope you fall off your stripper shoes. Love you like a sister!” HA!
    Dear cubicle mate, I see you picking your nose. Everybody sees you picking your nose. Please stop picking your nose.
    I haven’t had coffee yet, so probably not my best work.
    Having said that, I might use that as my caption…

    • I dunno…I think it’s a pretty good one. haha.

      Tara may or may not be Priscilla. Of course, her name is neither Tara or Priscilla..but she’ll know when she sees it.

  • I swear I’ve had some of the same co-workers as you! Except I would add the following comments for some of mine

    Tara – I love you like a sister but your hot pocket is hanging out of your skirt again.

    Gerard – Keep rocking dude! Those velcro shoes are stylin!

  • The company where I had my last office job redid their website while I was there and it practically was a yearbook. Shot of the whole company, shots of the departments. Individual pictures of everyone listing their hobbies and interests (I wish I were kidding). The one nice thing is that the photographer was so good that I actually liked the pictures she took of me (which NEVER happens). I “borrowed” them off the web page and am still using them 15 years later whenever someone demands a headshot.

    Fortunately there was no signing.

  • Sadly, my cubicle mate is someone I happen to be married to. And our office is in our house. So, you know, repercussions.

    But in my OLD office….

    “Marcie, I swear to god that if I see you flossing your teeth at your desk AND LICKING THE FLOSS AFTERWARD I will not be responsible for my actions. Also, you are not a pigeon. Keep your chest to yourself. Have a great summer!”

  • This post is hilarious!
    Mine would be:
    Jane, after completing your calisthenics in the ladies room please spray yourself down with Lysol before entering my office;
    Jack, everyone in IT knows you watch porn in the afternoon, take it to the IPad
    Evelyn, it is very unfortunate that you cover the stink of cigarette smoke with old lady perfume

  • And….I’m replying from the front lobby desk because I don’t have a cubicle. I wish I did though because I hear and see a lot more than co-workers appreciate. While some of their antics are funny most are just sad.

    Lana (HR manager), Just because you have been here longer than anyone else doesn’t make you right. It just makes you bitter.

    This is a hilarious post.

  • By golly, I think you might be onto something! What a hoot that would be…

    It’s been quite a few years since I worked in the hospital, but I still have one for a former co-worker: Jim, just because your ass-kissing has Doctor X convinced you’re his research Wonder Kid, don’t think the rest of us don’t know what a back-stabbing ass wipe you really are.

  • I have ALWAYS thought this would be awesome! You know, there are always things you just can’t recall from a couple of jobs ago and they were hilarious then and you wish you could remember. As for what I’d write in my coworker’s yearbook:

    Dear Greg–or should I use the nickname we gave you “Baby Huey”–there’s one thing that will always make me think of you: “PEOPLE ON THE PHONE PLEASE PRESS POUND FIVE TO MUTE YOURSELVES.” Stay cool! Love, me.

  • Ok, one question. Do your co-workers read your blog? Are the names changed to protect the guilty?
    At my previous school, if there was a yearbook, rethe would be a pic of all the women comparing bras in the faculty room. Oh, and the sign on the faculty room bathroom door that says – do not have bowel movements in this bathroom, use the one in the hall! I am not making this up!
    Great post, I will be thinking all day about comments I would write in co-workers yearbooks.

  • Things I’d write in my coworkers’ yearbook:

    Annoying Cow-irker, if you crop dust me ONE MORE TIME with your nasty-ass dime store perfume, I’ll stuff you hiney-first into the shredder bin.

    Mean Old HR Lady, nobody likes a gossip. Especially a Janus-faced backstabbing one.

    IT Guy, usually I love you. But for the love of all that is sacred, get your adenoids taken out. The mouth-breathing during allergy season(s) is horrific.

    Marketing Weasel, if you undress me with your eyes again, I’ll report your porn to Mean Old HR Lady. She hates you with a fiery burning passion usually reserved for hipsters.

  • That would be funny! I’m sick right now and too tired to think of any funny yearbook comments… but I’m surprised no companies have actually started doing something like that! OR HAVE THEY?

  • As you know I don’t work so wouldn’t have a work yearbook, oh yeah also we don’t do yearbooks in Australia well we didn’t when I was at school nor when my girls were at school so pretty sure we don’t do them

  • OK, let’s see…
    Tucker! The next time you play that Tupac CD three times in a row in the warehouse, I’ll just stick it in your butt, OK?

    Jose! You know the graffiti you did on the shelf that said “Merder Doves”? Yeah, I’m the one who scraped the second r off with a box knife.

    Tina! Did you remember the dynamite?

    Stuart! Where did you learn to balance things on your nose like that?

    (And whether it’s true or not)
    Everyone! We know what you’re doing in the bathroom.

  • Love this post. This made me think of the (sporadic) employee newsletters my workplace used to publish. There would be pictures of employees who earned such and such certificate and worthless perky feel good snippets. Hmm.. I can think of two “signings” — Mary, if you sprinkle (more like downpour) when you tinkle, please be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. LYLAS (or not)! — Dave, no one appreciates your flying toenail clippings on their desk, NO ONE! Stay gross!

  • We don’t do year books in the UK, but I can think of a few for former band members/colleagues

    Jim, the boss cheating on his wife with the marketing manager doesn’t mean any other woman in here is either interested or available to be your bit on the side…not even if you were the last man on earth!

    Creepy, slimeball manager, yes women have boobs, no that doesn’t mean you get to touch them accidentally on purpose and yes we do notice.

    Duncan, we know you like The Smiths. However, if you don’t stop playing them at every opportunity we may have to kill you.

  • Hilarious! How about awards?

    Most likely to not make more coffee after taking the last cup.

    Most likely to stink up the bathroom and try to cover it up by spraying hairspray.

    Most likely to sleep with his/her boss.

    Most likely to burn down the building.

  • This is hilarious – we didn’t heave yearbooks in SA and I’ve never really been at most of my jobs long enough to get a year book BUT people who bring egg sandwiches to work for lunch deserve a special mention. As does the young ladies who wear too short skirts that you can see right up their wazoo when they sit down – or at the very least, what colour knickers they are wearing.
    Enjoy your last weeks of hell – and embrace your new job when you get there – or at least make sure that you don’t throw up on your first day !!!
    Me xox

By Michelle

Michelle

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