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  • just finished reading What Not to Wear After Age 50: The Final Say in Very Adult Language. I was smiling before I opened it (sent by a friend), laughed so hard I nearly choked on my grilled cheese sandwich (with velveeta of course), then sobbed. separated from my alcoholic, lying husband of 10 years (hence the grilled cheese at the computer) with whom I have not had sex with in over 2 years (not my choice….always “tomorrow honey”) and before that it was maybe 1-2 times a year. Now I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…..with my 37 year old landscape designer! someone shoot me!! I wasn’t looking for it, returned flirtations, next thing I know I’m fucking this hotty (who thought I was pretty hot too at 53…call me Mrs. Robinson) three times the first night! well, that was swell until two days later when my poor born again virgin postmenopausal vagina’s delicate balance was thrown for a loop by all of the semen and started dripping foul smelling green snot….even my dogs didn’t want to sit next to me! fuck….really…god must hate me!! whew just BV (bacterial vaginosis), not sexually transmitted, but always associated with sex, 7 days of antibiotics, and I’m ready….put me back in coach!! not so fast….now he’s pushing for anal sex (“every girl he’s screwed is into this”), and showing up at my door at fucking 2 am (after partying) looking for nooky (I know, that dates me…fuck you), and somewhere along the line became socially/emotionally arrested in his development to the point that he only communicates by texting/sexting (“no one in his generation likes to be on the phone, we text because we are so busy and mobile”). I wanted to scream “listen you little narcissistic self absorbed prick….while you were still shitting in your nappies “my generation” was standing up for birth control, women’s rights, the right to choose, gay rights, racial equality, etc.”….but then I remembered he doesn’t like to talk on the phone or have much face to face….so I blocked him!! take that you son of a bitch…..gee I hope I did it right, I’ve never needed to do that before….didn’t even know it was possible (go figure…..must have missed that while I was brushing my dentures/changing my depends/whatever else my generation is only capable of doing). if that fucker comes to my front door I’m gonna shoot his dick off….not really, but a girl can fantasize can’t she??? anywho, just ordered my first vibrator off the internet and then mowed the lawn…..fuck men, who needs them….although…..nah, fuck em! whew! that felt good to get all of that shit off my chest…..hope I didn’t make too much of a mess : )

  • Hahahaha

    Just ran across your blog from a some random post on Facebook. Love it!! Can’t wait to procrastinate later and read some more posts (“Foryourprocrastination-which by the way, is the name of my blog-once I figure out how to get the damn banner up)


  • So I’ve been poking around your blog since somebody shared ‘what not to wear over 50’ on Facebook. (Yeah I should have capitalized the title but I’m typing on my phone and it didn’t autocorrect and I’m too lazy to go back and fix it. But not too lazy to type all this.) You have no business hijacking my fucking birthday morning. I should be wasting my time reading birthday congratulations instead of pissing my pants laughing at your commentary. I loved the shit about performance reviews. Making up a set of numbers to correlate to someone’s subjective opinion of crap you do in your cube all day and then running that through a fucking formula to get … Voila! You’re a 3.1. How is that worth the paper it’s printed on? Anyway, I hope I sprinkled enough sass and profanity in. I’m usually so fucking professional. This is liberating. And I’m going to wear whatever the fuck I want.

    • First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I am honored that you are spending your birthday morning with me! Thank you so much for letting me know you are reading and for your kind words. This makes my morning! I think I will eat some cake in your honor.

      • You do that. I’m not eating sugar so you might as well. It’s okay, really. I broke up with sugar two months ago ( and I haven’t missed him since I started seeing how badly he was fucking with me. (Don’t worry, wine is still on the table. I’m not a madochist.)
        And thanks for the birthday wishes! I always appreciate my birthdays because they’re better than the alternative. I don’t have the guts to be as brash as you in my blog but I might start. You inspire me!

        • Masochist. Ducking autocorrect.

          FUCKING, fucking autocorrect! Now you see why I didn’t want to go back to capitalize the title.

        • I so badly need to do that. It’s so funny that you should mention that because I was just seriously considering it this morning. I did before and I felt fantastic (after about a week or so of withdrawal). My insomnia is kicking my ass and I know giving up sugar will help. It did the last time.

          • Insomnia? Shit, that sucks.
            I don’t have any experience with that, thank god.
            Your other post that had me laughing till I cried was the one about the catapult. We used to have one in our suburban yard. It was about 16′ high, a trebuchet if you are well versed in medieval war weaponry. We had great fun flinging pumpkins and coke bottles. It was dangerous as shit. We were hoping to be able to fling cows and pianos a la Monty Python but didn’t have THAT much yard space. Hope that picture lightens your insomnia fog!

  • Been sneaking reads of your blog during code builds and boring meetings. Somewhere along the line you mentioned needing plates for your Soul. Bemused, I pictured a shimmery, foggy, ethereal version of you holding two earthenware plates at the buffet. What the hell? Then you mentioned the BMV. Oh. LICENSE plates.

  • You’re welcome. I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with for that title.

    I noticed some comments have a little trailer that links to the comment author’s blog entries. How does that get in there? Do you have to go through some sort of initiation ceremony? I mean, I might be willing. If it doesn’t involve public nudity.

  • I am so excited that I found you! A friend sent me your What Not to Wear article and it was the best thing I’ve read in a long time! You are now officially my role model.
    I have just started a blog and am terrified! (And absolutely fucked over the technology.) I want to be funny as well as, you know, deep and poignant and shit but I don’t know if I can be! I am super funny in person, but it’s usually unintentional.
    So, not to sound stalker-ish, I’ve got you in my favorites so I can get inspiration and maybe learn some things. Also, you’ve inspired me to find some Erma Bombeck books and channel her.
    Thanks for your work!

    • Erma is the shit! you will learn a lot from her. And I hope you can stop being terrified..your blog is your space and you can feel safe there. As far as being funny goes, what I have found is if you just write down shit EXACTLY as it happens, warts and all, most things are at least a little funny. I am so glad you are here and I’m looking forward to checking out your blog!

      • Terrified is, I think, my motivator. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement! I just read your post about the refugees and Donald Trump. I absolutely feel the same way. Why can’t we just be kind to each other???
        If you do get a chance to check out And So This Is 50, please disregard the bad setup (I swear I’ll figure it out!) and read Battle Hymn of the Republic. It has to do with all that craziness. It isn’t funny at all, but poignant as shit. Haha! Again, thanks.

  • I’m sending you my address here (and also via e-mail) because I’m computer inept and am not sure which way it will get to you. I have 3 favorite bloggers, and have to admit that you’re at the top. I have a good friend who blogs, but his topics are very serious and can’t be put in the “entertainment” category like yours can – even your serious ones touch me personally – so, thank you.

      • Just out of curiosity, do your friends travel to venues out of their home State? There’s a restaurant down here that has guest Blues bands on weekends. No idea what or if they pay, and Ft. Lauderdale is hardly nearby, but if they’re remotely interested I could give you the information (Rosey Baby – Cajun eating mostly) in Lauderhill, Florida (Lauderhll is part of Ft. Lauderdale). Anyway – it was a pleasure listening to the samples of the songs from their previous albums!
        Barbara Mullenix

        • My FAVORITE song is Valentine Heart, which is a cover, but she sings it so well. I will ask her, but they usually stick to places in TN as the majority of the band has a day job.

  • My daughter is an addict. I know exactly what you’ve gone through, except in my case, there’s a granddaughter involved too. When I knew I wasn’t helping my daughter by doing the rescue thing, there was still that little girl to consider.

    Right now my daughter is supposedly in recovery. She has cut me off, refusing any communication whatsoever. She has signed her father up as the new enabler and refused counseling, 12-step groups etc., and her father refuses to say she’s an addict.

    So I wait to hear she’s in jail again, or worse.

  • Hello Michelle – I know current events are making you crazy (same as the rest of us!), so I immediately thought of you when I saw these ads from apple and amazon – my apologies if this is the 9,000th time you’ve seen them, but I wanted to make absolutely sure they came your way cuz they are such a refreshing change: (amazon); and (apple) . Best of the season to you!

  • Amazing article, I would love to publish it for my magazine that is a small townlifestyle magazine.
    Do I have you permission? Please let me know either way asap.

    Thank you, Cory

  • I’v esent an email with pics because I couldn’t attach them here.
    Definitely pictures of kitties and puppies help us all get through the day.


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