One thing that I continue to struggle with in coming to terms with being one of the adult children of narcissists, is mourning the loss of who I could have been.
My therapist has tried telling me that the only thing that matters is who I am now. But who I am now is a product of my past.
Would I change who I am? I might change things about me, but I don’t know that I would want to be a completely different person.
A trait that many of us ACONs share, is the need to care for other people. I’ve said this for years without understanding the origins, but I’ve always felt that the feelings of all the humans are my responsibility to protect.
It’s a hard, thankless job, y’all.
I never considered, until recently, that this is a control issue for me. I’ve always viewed it as a sincere desire to want what is best for other people, but I’m beginning to realize that my desire to make sure everyone is happy and ‘okay’ (whatever that means) is because it benefits me. If everyone around me is okay, then I am safe.
As broken and ineffectual as I often feel, I have a will that is impressive. I’ve moved mountains through sheer force of will. I can square my shoulders and put my head down and plow through an issue and force a situation to go my way. I’ve done this to make relationships go my way or job issues…really in many different ways.
It hasn’t always worked, though. There have been situations that I have plowed head first into and the problem is so far out of my control that when I hit it head on, I just dissipate into a puff of smoke without making a dent.
This is what happened when I tried to force my son to stop being a drug addict.
This is what happened when I tried to gain my fathers approval.
I can’t control other people. I can’t make other people ‘okay’. The illusion that I have held that I will be safe as long as everyone around me is happy is just that; an illusion.
My safety isn’t dependent on the mental health of others.
That statement is not true if I am in swinging distance of an ax murderer.
Who would I be now if I hadn’t spent so much time and energy focusing on the needs of people around me? Who would I be if I had realized that the control I had imagined I had was no more than a puff of smoke?
Letting go of the need to help (control) other people’s feelings is not easy for me. It reminds me of my fingers after driving in hazardous conditions. I grip the steering wheel so tightly that my fingers become claws and it takes an effort to easily open my hands.
This is my life. It’s been longer than a drive on icy roads. I’ve been gripping that steering wheel for decades.
Letting go will be a relief, but it’s so fucking scary.
I guess mourning who I could have been doesn’t make sense. I’m mourning a fictional being. I am real. I am exactly who I am.
It’s exhausting to try to be a mother to the world. I’m ready to stop. I’m tired. I want to let go.
I just have no idea how to do it.
In the meantime, I will try to view complete control as a fucking incredible song by The Clash and not something that I continue to cling to.
Now excuse me, I have to go daydream about Joe Strummer for a few minutes.
The endless Question.
I always think there’s a different me I could have been if:
1. …My dad hadn’t moved us away from his affluent back-east family (A rich, tennis-playing Yale graduate, married to a doctor, with a big inheritance? possibly)
2. …He had kept a job (ANY JOB) for the rest of my childhood (No more dirt-poor hippie kid tomboy with no self esteem?)
3. …Mom had left at any of the various points along the way and taken us back east to her parents (see #1, and possibly my brother would have missed being born.)
4. …Mom had forced me to move away with her when they did separate (I’d have missed meeting Shane, and having my kids, and my life now, which I love).
So. I like to think that every single thing that happened to me, every minute, every conversation, every crazy odd-ball scene, every choice, brought me to where I am, and to Shane and my girls. If anything had been different, I’d have never met him, and I shudder to think of that.
(I’m a bit of a control freak/caretaker myself, but I’ve learned to be ok with it. )
I love who all that craziness made me into, because it turned me into exactly the person (with an interesting past) that I was supposed to be.
And I love who all that crap made YOU into, too. Look at how many people you’ve touched…! 😀
Thank you for this!
I do need to focus more on the positive. Focusing on the negative gains me nothing. It becomes a habit that needs to be broken..
Exactly. Plus, I doubt I’d have like the “me” who would have gone to Yale and played tennis, and she wouldn’t have gotten to marry the hottest guy on the planet.
Win-win.
😉
I married a few frogs before I got my prince.
Hottest guy on the planet? Imma let you keep that crown…I got the guy who knows more about music than any other motherfucker I’ve ever known…I LOVE that shit.
*muffled giggling* 🙂
“…mourning the loss of who I could have been.”
Oh for sure. I have come a long way baby in regards to this, but I still have moments. For me it’s no so much who I could have been if things had been different, but who I could have been if I’d been able to “get over it” sooner, if that makes sense. And I don’t really mean “get over it” as much as I mean separate myself from my circumstances. Does that make sense?
It makes all the sense in the world! I get exactly what you mean. I don’t know that I’ve come a LONG way…but I am taking little tiny steps. 🙂
I keep trying to come up with the right response to this. All I can say is kudos to you for working through it all. When I was a kid, I used to wish I could absorb all the world’s troubles. I would have gladly been the only sad person in the world if it meant everyone else was happy. I never thought about why I wanted that. After reading this, I’m curious about why I ever thought that way.
Oh hell…It’s possible that I’m off track. I really have no idea. I’m just trying to get a grip on it. Or loosen my grip..whichever the case may be. 🙂
There’s a story called. “The ones who walk away from Omelas.” I’ve seen it online in it’s entirety. You might like it.
I will check that out!
Part of me wonders if the reason that we are always trying to heal the world is because no one ever tried to protect or heal us. OR – were we born with that type of nature so being ACONs affected us more strongly?
“Letting go will be a relief, but it’s so fucking scary.” YES!
I’ve done a lot of mourning and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be “finished” with it? But I AM starting to get a place where I am more “moving on”. I don’t know if I’d be someone different, but it sure would have been nice to learn to like myself – whoever the hell I am! When I first started this journey I felt so “untethered”? I was crying and asking my husband, “What if you don’t like who I turn out to be? What if I don’t like who I turn out to be?” And he says to me, “You are still, Megan. You’re just learning to let her out a little more often.” Which comes right back to: “I guess mourning who I could have been doesn’t make sense. I’m mourning a fictional being. I am real. I am exactly who I am.”
Thanks for your sharing. I hadn’t thought of it as a control thing – which it totally is! I had realized the “safety” feeling – that when everyone is “ok” then I can be ok, too. Just hadn’t gone the next step to understanding what was behind that feeling.
(sorry – this is a rambling answer, but I’m feeling especially discombobulated today – going to therapy in an hour – we’re gonna talk about body image issues… I’m itchy just thinking about it!)
I didn’t think it was rambling. I liked it. 🙂
Oh god..body image. I don’t even want to think about that one. I struggle with it SO MUCH.
I’m always a little afraid that if I get ‘better’ (whatever that means) that I will cease to be me and turn into someone vanilla and uninteresting. Then I berate myself for daring to think I’m interesting to begin with. Haha.
And never apologize to me for comments. I love this. I love connecting with people and hearing what they have to say, it helps me in immeasurable ways. 🙂
Moving mountains is exhausting. I have been laughingly described as making planets align so things will go right. Also exhausting. But I don’t know how not to.
I’ve often thought someone else got my life and I wished they would bring it back. Or that I wandered away and left it sitting somewhere and if I could figure out where I left it . . .
Sorry. Bad morning. Not really a helpful, encouraging comment, I guess.
That’s okay..they can’t all be good days. And I agree. Today has been a punk ass bitch..
Hi Michelle, this is my first visit to your blog and it’s fantastic. I am not the child of a narcissist but I’ve had my experiences with them – some more heinous than others – and I can honestly say there are no more difficult people to deal with. I don’t usually share links in comments, but I just this week wrote a post about narcissism and I thought you might be interested in it. http://www.emptyhousefullmind.com/middle-aged-narcissists/
Oh, thank you so much! I am heading there now!
Hey Michelle, I totally get feeling like the mother to the world. For me, it was because that is what was expected of me. I was held responsible for the wellbeing of all the adults in my life. If people weren’t getting along, it was my duty to talk to everyone and make everyone play nice. If my mother was stressed, having an anxiety attack, needing to manipulate people and she needed a pawn (me), then it was my job to calm her down, do what she needed, help her do her bidding. In my world, I was only loveable if I did this. Miss the mark and suddenly – love denied. So, it was a matter of “survival” in my child brain to be goddamn good at making everyone happy. And so it goes. Fast forward to adulthood and, like you, I can move heaven and hell to make things happen (not a bad thing in the right circumstances. We are goddamn resilient). However, I have forced relationships when they clearly should have NOT been at all. And, like you, there was an earth shattering kaboom when it totally blew up in my face because I realized once again I picked loser boy who doesn’t have a job, needs someone to pay his way, and has no where to live. And again, I rushed in and “saved” him, made him happy, sacrificed everything including my self-esteem only to finally wake up one day and realize what a mess I had created and I had to kick his ass out the door. It was the same guy over and over, just different names. I used to be so frustrated with myself and, like you, angry because I was completely robbed of the chance to be a carefree kid without having to worry whether we had enough money to pay the mortgage or whether my mother was having another anxiety attack or my father was going to try to kill himself, again. I spent all my adult years being upset about it until the last while. I have done a ton of work with coaching, EFT, energy work, dealing with beliefs and learning to love myself quirks and all. And you know, I am feeling pretty good. I am looking at moving forward to having my life coaching business and I have finally realized that my mess can be my message. I have a ton of experience to draw on to help other people – and this time get paid for it. Michelle, as hard as it is to come to grips with, you have to know that by working through your stuff on this blog and allowing us along for the ride you are helping more people than you realize in ways that you will never fully appreciate to heal and move forward. In your writing we see ourselves and as a result we feel seen, accepted and loved and “enough”. So thank you!
It got a little dusty in here.
So, you get exactly what I mean…I am very nearly sorry that you do…but I am grateful for the company…and your comment means a lot to me. You have no idea.
Thank you for sharing about this. It is so important to know that we are not alone.
Bless you.
Mindy
lubeoflife.com
Sister we are NOT alone. And I am here. If you need an ear, send me an email..I love all my fellow ACONs
Still regrouping from yesterday’s, (hopefully final), encounter with the worst narc in my life.
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I guess this is a question I try and avoid asking myself as the answer for me is, at the moment, a sad one. Maybe I would have been able to recognise an unhealthy relationship and met someone who actually liked and respected me for who I am, someone with whom I could have had the family I can now never have; or someone that would have encouraged me instead of tearing me down at every opportunity.
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Perhaps if I had had the encouragement and nurturing I needed as a child then maybe I would not be where I am now. Would I wish to be different? Yes, I think so, lack of self esteem makes me a prisoner. I always need the approval of someone I care about, as I was trained not to believe in my own sense of worth. Therefore, if I have someone i care about, that believes in me, I can move mountains, but without that I falter. Sad but true and something I can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try, but the phoenix is rising. I hope I can re-invent myself at this late stage!
I believe you can, Karen. I truly do believe you can. I don’t think we’re ever too old to change and grow. For what it’s worth, I think you are amazing!
Thanks, it does mean a lot that there are people out there that think I’m worth something. Now I have to convince a prospective employer of that
🙂
As personality issues go, an excess concern for others’ well being seems pretty benign, to me anyway. I’m not sure it’s something someone can be guided away from, either. When I was 17 I was having a discussion with my mother about interpersonal dealings in a world that includes predators and evil, and I got sort of frustrated and blurted out: Just because they are assholes doesn’t mean I have to be one too.
My mother took a step back and looked me up and down and said:
Well, while I commend you for your position, I feel I should warn you that it is one tough row to hoe.
So:
Thankless? Check.
Often lonely? Check again.
Awesome and completely necessary for holding together the social fabric that keeps the chaos at bay? Depends, is it a good day or a bad day?
I think making a decision to NOT be an asshole is always a good one. But you’re right, it’s not always easy.
Yes, excess concern for others isn’t so bad, it’s actively trying to ‘make’ everything be okay that is exhausting.
Who would i be????? Such a good question. I would still read a lot, i probably would not be as introverted, i would probably still be curious about almost everything. I wouldn’t always be waiting “for the next shoe to drop.” i wouldn’t be startled/shocked scared when the doorbell rings. Maybe i would have one (or more!) hobbies. I have tried SO hard for SO long to control everything – for your reason, TO BE SAFE. Somehow, no matter what i do, i don’t feel safe. But enough about me. Michelle, reading the Tao Te Ching over and over and over, and discussing it with other people who had studied helped more than all the therapy and antidepressants. I strongly recommend it to you. It is short. REALLY short. Interestingly, some parts seemed blatant obvious to me – my husband could not understand those chapters. And the ones that were blatantly obvious to me – they left me going, “WHAT? HUH?” But, the Tao is short, and it can help, a lot. Read it, learn it, discuss it. and, slowly, start living your life that way. Oh, it is philosphy, not religion.
http://acc6.its.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~phalsall/texts/taote-v3.html
this one is all online, so you can start reading ,well, now. I think it is the Stephen Mitchell translation. The Ursula K. LeQuin translation is even better, but i can’t find it free online. amazon has it, though.
Other than that, i can wish you kittens and puppies to cheer you.
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From a different topic–
http://www.buzzfeed.com/katieheaney/which-witch-are-you
Thank you SO MUCH..I will be spending some time reading today. Oh…and as it turns out..I am the Grand High Witch. Who would have thought???
As I read this, I felt like that Roberta Flack song “Killing Me Softly” come to life. This is me…I could’ve just as easily wrote this because this is my life too, except it was my mother’s approval I’ve clamored for to no avail. And like you, I’m tired and want to let go. if you figure out how, please share it, because honestly, I feel pretty exhausted right now.
I guess the beauty of growing up like this is, we learn what NOT to do as parents…At least that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I’m wrong, I dunno. But I think my children are a helluva lot happier than I ever was, and that is a real accomplishment for me.
Thank you for sharing this. I love your website.
And now that song is stuck in your head too. You’re welcome.
Hahaha..it IS stuck in my head.
And yes, we did learn how not to treat our children the same way. I don’t know how to stop yet. Only to just try to catch myself in the act and talk myself out of it. I’ve been doing the same with negative self talk. When I catch myself running me down, I try to stop and turn it around and say something nice. It feels like a lie much of the time, but I actually think it’s starting to make a difference.
I like to think about what my life would be like had my parents pulled me from the burning wreckage of a spacecraft they found in a field…it’s more fun and exactly as helpful.
Hahaah…yes…it IS exactly has helpful. Good point.
Here’s a quasi-topical song you might like. It’s a live a cappella duet with Neko Case and Kelly Hogan singing a song about a little girl Neko saw on tour in Hawaii.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBj_Rm8mOIs
I enjoyed that quite a bit, thanks!
As always, when I read your blog, I feel like I could have written this. I’ve been gripping that steering wheel so hard, trying to control everything around that I’m exhausted. However, I didn’t make the connection before, that my need to care for others is really more about me wanting to be safe. So, thanks for that.
I think I have little bit of my own narcissism associated with my need to care for others actually, it’s sort of as if I’m saying “Look at me, genuinely caring for all these people, look at how much better of a person I am than Dad is.” That still makes me controlling and still means I’m trying to prove myself. So hmmm. (raises eyebrow at self)
Sometimes self discovery is a dick.
Everyone has a level of narcissism in them, it’s part of the human condition, that you actually recognize it probably means that you DON’T have a problem with narcissism…
Self discovery can be a real dick sometimes..
Being human means we have narcissistic tendencies. That’s normal. The fact that you even question them in yourself probably means that you don’t have a problem with narcissism.
I look for accolades in other ways. When I try to make other people around me feel good it’s because then there is no yelling or dissatisfaction around me. These things in other people make me anxious and insecure..that’s why I try to fix everything for everyone. And yes..its exhausting. I have to be done with it.