You know, I could talk about going back to the office, but since I have to do that again tomorrow, I’d prefer to pretend like it’s not a thing right now.
I guess I would sum up my first week back in my cubicle as horrific, but not as bad as I thought it would be. So, you know, a win? I guess?
In 2 days, Randy and I will mark the 26th anniversary of our first meeting.
We’ve had a lot of conversations in 26 years. I’m going to say a good 40% was just absurd.
Like the recent one we had.
Randy and I were watching some dude perform stand-up the other night and I thought he was pretty funny. Randy is a tough nut to crack and usually more critical than I am.
On the other hand, he has the sense of humor of a 4-year-old, so I take his criticisms with a grain of salt. And lemon. And a little tequila.
Anyway, the comedian started telling some airport/airplane jokes and Randy rolled his eyes hard enough to make the curtains flutter.
Randy: Really? Airport jokes? Everyone does airport jokes. They’ve been doing airport jokes since Fred Flintstone rode on a pterodactyl.
Me: Fred Flintstone never rode on a fucking pterodactyl.
Randy: Whatever. It’s still not funny.
Me: I dunno. My reason for wearing sunglasses when I fly is funny.
So, Randy and I have been together for 26 years. We’ve each flown many times over those years. But we’ve only flown together once in our lives and that happened the first year we were together. So, we don’t really have much experience at all with who the other person is when they fly.
Who I am is a terrified person. I fucking hate flying. It’s a bad idea. A huge hunk of metal hurtling above the earth? It’s absurd and terrifying.
But also convenient, so it’s not like I won’t fly. I just hate to fly.
I have this thing I do when I fly. I get in my seat. I pick a flight attendant and I watch them the entire flight. My theory is, as long as they don’t look afraid, then I probably won’t die in a fiery explosion. Probably.
So I was on this flight into Wichita, Kansas and it was a pretty rocky flight. At least by my standards. I’ve been on worse, but it seemed harrowing to me. The flight attendant I was watching seemed calm enough.
Right up until about 20 minutes before we landed.
I noticed her sort of furtively looking around. She got a little crease on her forehead. I mean, she wasn’t ready to scream or anything, but she definitely looked concerned.
I had an aisle seat on that flight.
Not long before we were all supposed to be locking down and preparing for landing, she stopped by my seat.
She asked me why I was staring at her.
I explained how I was a bad flyer and I gauged potential danger by watching the professionals.
She told me the flight was fine and not to worry.
We landed and everything was fine.
Since then, when I fly, I wear dark sunglasses.
Maybe, I should wear dark sunglasses to work tomorrow. Maybe, that will help.