Conversations and Long Relationships

You know, I could talk about going back to the office, but since I have to do that again tomorrow, I’d prefer to pretend like it’s not a thing right now.

I guess I would sum up my first week back in my cubicle as horrific, but not as bad as I thought it would be. So, you know, a win? I guess?

In 2 days, Randy and I will mark the 26th anniversary of our first meeting.

We’ve had a lot of conversations in 26 years. I’m going to say a good 40% was just absurd.

Like the recent one we had.

Randy and I were watching some dude perform stand-up the other night and I thought he was pretty funny. Randy is a tough nut to crack and usually more critical than I am.

On the other hand, he has the sense of humor of a 4-year-old, so I take his criticisms with a grain of salt. And lemon. And a little tequila.

Anyway, the comedian started telling some airport/airplane jokes and Randy rolled his eyes hard enough to make the curtains flutter.

Randy: Really? Airport jokes? Everyone does airport jokes. They’ve been doing airport jokes since Fred Flintstone rode on a pterodactyl.

Me: Dude.

Me: Fred Flintstone never rode on a fucking pterodactyl.

Randy: Whatever. It’s still not funny.

Me: I dunno. My reason for wearing sunglasses when I fly is funny.

So, Randy and I have been together for 26 years. We’ve each flown many times over those years. But we’ve only flown together once in our lives and that happened the first year we were together. So, we don’t really have much experience at all with who the other person is when they fly.

Who I am is a terrified person. I fucking hate flying. It’s a bad idea. A huge hunk of metal hurtling above the earth? It’s absurd and terrifying.

But also convenient, so it’s not like I won’t fly. I just hate to fly.

I have this thing I do when I fly. I get in my seat. I pick a flight attendant and I watch them the entire flight. My theory is, as long as they don’t look afraid, then I probably won’t die in a fiery explosion. Probably.

So I was on this flight into Wichita, Kansas and it was a pretty rocky flight. At least by my standards. I’ve been on worse, but it seemed harrowing to me. The flight attendant I was watching seemed calm enough.

Right up until about 20 minutes before we landed.

I noticed her sort of furtively looking around. She got a little crease on her forehead. I mean, she wasn’t ready to scream or anything, but she definitely looked concerned.

I had an aisle seat on that flight.

Not long before we were all supposed to be locking down and preparing for landing, she stopped by my seat.

She asked me why I was staring at her.

I explained how I was a bad flyer and I gauged potential danger by watching the professionals.dark sunglasses

She told me the flight was fine and not to worry.

We landed and everything was fine.

Since then, when I fly, I wear dark sunglasses.

Maybe, I should wear dark sunglasses to work tomorrow. Maybe, that will help.


Photo by Nadi Lindsay from Pexels

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  • What I love about most of your blogs is that there are always connections to your previous blogs – some of which I’ve never read. So this one is like getting 3 blogs for the price of, well….none. So thanks. The blog about Randy being in the hospital hit really close to home, since I lost Ken to that sonofabitch Covid in January. Although my stages of grief are stuck in anger, since a dementia patient is totally ignored, isolated and family is not contacted unless there’s an emergency. See? Can’t quite get passed this stage, although I’m really trying.
    So I appreciate you making me laugh out loud. Thanks.

  • Those sunglasses could prevent a vicious circle from developing wherein you stare at the flight attendant and they get more and more paranoid from being stared at, which you pick up on and stare all the harder…
    Don’t think that could actually impact the safety of the flight, but it could indeed make it miserable.
    I haven’t flown much, two short round trips, one from Arcata to San Francisco and back when I was sixteen to see Led Zeppelin, and one to Reno and back from San Francisco to gamble with my parents at Christmas the year we moved to Oakland.
    While I can’t claim to have been comfortable flying, I also can’t say I was too freaked about it either.
    Which may or may not have been due to the level of distraction involved: in 1977 I was sixteen, and it was my first time on an airplane, my first trip to the city, and my first major rock concert… it was Led the fuck Zeppelin for chrissakes, and at the time dying in a plane crash probably wouldn’t have been a deal breaker for me if I got to see them.
    The second time it was just weird., We had just gotten our first place to live in Oakland after living in a roach-infested hotel room for eight months, and it was my mom’s idea that we should all go to Reno for Christmas and gamble and see a show. So they bought us plane tickets and gave us some gambling money (“I know you’re not gong to gamble all of this away, Doug, but do spend enough of it to have a good time, OK?”) which is how I managed to get to see Frank Zappa at the Circle Star on the peninsula one night, and Glen Campbell in Reno the next. And Glen was a lot better than I thought he’d be, he was a monster guitar player and at that show he played the William Tell Overture on his guitar while holding it on top of his head.
    I think that Friday we will get the J&J vaccine at CVS, so if we can manage to live for five more days this damn apocalypse may begin to wind down.
    Sorry about your re-entry into cubitory, but glad you’re sort of taking it in stride, and perhaps the sunglasses may get them to leave you alone more…

    • Those are two very good reasons to fly.

      Joey got the J&J and felt bad for about a day. Not too horrible. Move your arm around a lot after you get your shot as it helps with pain at the injection site. SOOOO happy for you guys getting your shot! WOO HOO!!

  • Wait, wait, wait. I did a quick Google search and immediately came up with a picture of Fred Flintstone on a pterodactyl. And that led me down a rabbit hole of Flintstones fandom and one picture of a wood and stone airplane with three pterodactyls on each wing carrying it through the air and, you know, with that image in mind I don’t think I’ll ever find flying quite as terrifying.
    But watching the flight attendants is a pretty good strategy. I was once on a flight where the attendants made jokes during the safety instructions, saying things like, “Should the cabin lose pressure please let go of the person next to you and stop screaming long enough to put the mask over your face.” And I knew that flight was gonna be fine.

  • Thanks for this! Haha! I do like your watching the flight attendant idea. I haven’t flown in years, but am so ready to go somewhere/anywhere! Both vaccines, done!

  • Ha! Good one! I’m still laughing – and I thank you for that. I am a total white knuckle flier. I live in NY and my daughter and two grandkids like in CA! So, yeah, not a nice trip. Everrrrr! I, too, watch the attendants, but have never found their facial expressions reliable. But we do what we can, right? Anyway, thanks for the laugh. You’re the best!

  • Hilarious, as always! I love the sunglass idea, at work, on a plane, anywhere. You can stare to your heart’s content.

    But what I HAD to say is that April 28 was our 26th anniversary of our first date. Cool vibes…that was obviously a good week in 1995. ❤

By Michelle


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