“I choose to believe it’s human remains” – Me to my youngest sister earlier today.
Let me explain.
Around 10 years ago, Randy and I bought an antique Christmas ornament at a consignment shop.
It’s a red heart made out of metal with pewter or something that looks like pewter at the bottom with some ornate chains hanging from it. It’s not huge, but on the large side for a tree ornament.
We hadn’t planned on buying a Christmas ornament. It was an impulse buy, but one I’ve never regretted. It’s a cool fucking ornament,
So, Randy and I both happened upon the same article recently.
The reason why it caught our eye, is the picture on the article was a picture of our ornament, only the heart in the picture was blue instead of red. Other than that, they are identical.
Turns out, these ornaments were sold as urns.
I guess at the turn of the century, it was completely normal to hang the ashes of dead loved ones on the Christmas tree.
I’m in charge of decorating our tree.
By in charge, I mean no one helps me.
I have been hanging that ornament on our tree for 10 years or more. I couldn’t recall if I ever noticed that the ornament had something inside of it. I mean, I’m not in the habit shaking ornaments before I hang them.
I considered not even putting up our tree this year, but after reading that article, I really had to.
You guys, there’s something inside my ornament.
The ornament’s not filled or anything. It doesn’t feel like there is a lot of something in it, but there is definitely something in it. Dense, but not heavy. You know, like ash.
Hence, the conversation with my sister.
Me: I mean, I guess it could be the ashes of a pet. But I choose to believe it is human remains. We’ve been unwittingly hanging some random dead person’s remains on our tree for years.
Baby Sister: Shell, that’s creepy. That is wrong.
Me: I bet that explains why the cats don’t bother the tree.
My son Joey suggested just throwing it away.
Seriously? Is he fucking crazy? How many people get to hang a stranger’s cremains from their tree? It might be the coolest thing we own.
Me: Why would we do that?
Joey: We’re just inviting weird shit to happen. We have a haunted tree.
Me: Yeah, but we’ve been hanging it for years and I haven’t noticed any haunting.
Joey: That’s because we didn’t know. Now that we know, it will activate the ashes.
Me: It’s too bad Supernatural ended. I could have sold this idea as their next Christmas special.
Joey: We’ll just have to keep an eye on it.
Me: I did notice that when Alfie the Kitty got close to the tree that he started doing this weird, guttural chanting.
Me: It’s going to be a Merry Christmas.
I haven’t bought new ornaments for quite a while.
I did, however, get a few of these. Because what is more festive than a “fuck 2020” ornament?
I sent the other ones in a card to a few friends.
I sent 7 of them and, so far, 2 people have told me that theirs had broken into pieces in the mail. I suspect that will be the fate of the other 5. Which isn’t surprising because fuck 2020. They’re plastic, I really thought they’d be okay.
I hope you all have a healthy and safe holiday season. Keep us in your thoughts in the event our Christmas tree turns on us.