When I Cheat In November


Randy and I are taking Joey and two of his friends to Florida in November.

12 hours in a car with three 17 year old boys who are all arms and legs and who find it amusing to debate every goddamn word that comes out of any face.

I’m quite looking forward to it.

I also enjoy long walks in hot lava and sucking on razor blade lollipops. 

I mentioned a few posts back that I’ve changed my diet and have been slowly dropping some weight. Well, Randy has been right along side me. As he always is.

Anyway, there are things we just don’t eat anymore. We don’t eat bread or potatoes or pasta. We don’t eat cookies or candy. And that is very nearly true!

We do sometimes eat a square of dark chocolate.

We’re both losing weight. We both feel better. All positive changes.

We are going to the panhandle, because dammit, that is where people from the Midwest vacation. We’ve been there many times. We know what beaches we prefer. We know what restaurants we can’t miss. We know we’ll stop at the Modica market in Seaside on our way in for perishables. They also have a dessert counter that will make your tongue hard.

I am going to cheat my ass off when we’re on vacation.

I have this fantasy. The awesome thing about this fantasy is that I can actually see it through.

We will take a brand new still in the box Fry-daddy. (I haven’t owned a Fry-daddy since the mid eighties). We will take a bucket of lard. Pure, disgusting animal fat. I am going to buy some cheap yellow baskets and line them with wax paper. Then I am going to fry crinkle cut fries, in my brand new Fry-daddy, and douse them in ketchup and salt. Then, I’ll eat those fries until the salt makes my little fingers swell up like summer sausages.

It’s possible, I will vomit.

I don’t think I will, but I can’t imagine I will react well to food like that after eating mostly lean meat, fruits and vegetables for 3 months. Well, and the occasional piece of chocolate and low carb ice cream bar. Fuck you. Bacon is too lean meat. 

I don’t care if I vomit.

I am eating the motherfucking french fries. I am eating dessert and I’m not going to feel any remorse even if my stomach does hurt afterward.

We’ll spend hours walking on the beach and through little seaside villages. We’ll burn off at least some of the fries.

I’m also thinking about making biscuits and gravy, because, you know…once you go crazy with a Fry-daddy, biscuits and gravy are just punk.

The best thing about this story? Our trip is still a month away and I know that I’ll still be on the path I am now.

We decided.

We’re kicking ass.

Sure, we’ve lost weight before and then slid all the way back, but that shit is meaningless now. All that matters now is that we’re kicking it in the ass.

Randy says he wants fresh cut fries. I guess I can do that. Leaves more crinkle cuts for me.

We will come back from vacation and settle back into our new and improved healthy eating routine. The routine will be briefly disrupted by Christmas, but it won’t be in any real danger. Probably.

If you see a barely used Fry-daddy on the side of the highway somewhere between Florida and Ohio at the end of November, then it’s probably mine.


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  • That’s the way to do it, Michelle! Guilt can kiss my ass, if you don’t let it all go and treat yourself every once in a while you’ll drive yourself crazy! I’ve changed my eating habits in the last two years. I used to eat fast food multiple times a week. Now, I eat it once in a while, usually out of necessity (meaning I don’t feel like cooking). But what I find now is I notice how crappy it makes me feel. Before I was oblivious and my body was used to it. Oh, and if you’re going to be frying, you might as well make funnel cakes, right? Mmmmm… funnel cakes. (is that what you guys call them? Or are they elephant ears up there? whatever, they are the best food ever)

  • I love this. I’m going to share it in a health/fitness related group I’m in on FB because I think all those ladies need to read it!!! And there are many of them. 🙂

    Fantastic. Can’t wait to hear about the fries once you make ’em.

  • HA! LOVE IT!! That is exactly how to vacation!! Enjoy and embrace every last morsel of goodness you can… LIVE a little, right?

    I’m so impressed with how you guys are eating so well and losing weight! You inspire me to do the same…

    Someday. 😉

  • 1. If you need to stop off in Alabama for a Xanax, let me know. I’m on your way.
    2. Fried foods after months of eating healthy wont make you vomit. Probably. However…well, there will be consequences. It will involve your digestive tract. I know from whence I speak.

  • Good luck on your trip! I once took 6 17-year-olds down to Florida. Stress eating french fries seems like an awesome way to cope. And congrats on your weight loss. I’m impressed with your discipline – particularly this time of year.

  • With apologies to Dire Straits:

    That’s the way you do it. You break the diet with a Fry-Daddy. Oh that ain’t dietin’, that’s the way you do it. Eat them fries until they hurt your tumm-ee.

    We got to hit the old panhandle,
    Drag some teenagers that are damn surly,
    We got to have ourselves a vacation now,
    Got to walk up and down beside the sea.

    I want my
    I want my
    I want my fries crinkly.
    I want my
    I want my
    I want my fries crinkly.
    (Repeat, overlay with stomach rumbling noises)

  • No no no….don’t do it. I’ve lost 20lb and have been eating healthy for about a year now. And I don’t cheat. Mostly because I’m saving my calories for alcohol. I vote no fries, yes lots of cocktails

  • Whoa, now that’s commitment to a plan! I ditched all the white carbs/gluten/most sugar etc for 6 weeks this summer & then effortlessly slid back into my happy place where you can still find me. I do suggest going easy on quantity the first couple of days, but YES to crinkle cuts (they just seem to hold onto more salt). You might need to start nibbling-for-sanity on the road trip with teens, but only because you probably can’t have open bottles of alcohol in the car (or can you? it’s illegal in Canada). Whenever my son sasses me about my vocab/references/anything, I just look him straight in the eyes and say, “YOU came out of MY body.” Then I just watch him squirm silently. Occasionally there’s gagging. If you find any easy way to resume the diet when you return, lemme know. (One tip: never give up bacon. Ever. Then you can’t honestly feel deprived when dieting. Ok this is more of a rule. A lifestyle. A religion.)

  • Haha! Stop in South Carolina on your way down and I’ll have some hot, fresh, crinkle-cut fries hot and ready (ketchup included). Great job on the diet, I really need to do it too my ass just keeps getting wider and wider! My two favorite food groups are bread and pasta lol!

  • Totally fucking relate to the debate comment. I’ve been arguing with demented teenagers for 8 years now … I’m nearly completely insane. Congrats on your total weight loss (and allowing the cheat/back to reality days). I myself have lost 20 lbs. I’ve also gained 25 lbs so that kinda sucks. Fucking yoyo of middle age. Love the blog! I think we have the same life.

  • Isn’t it fun to look forward to eating? Especially if you’ve been really good, its great to have that junk food frenzy. Vacations are made for that. Sounds like you and Randy have been good. You deserve to splurge.

  • OMG I just Googled funnel cakes! They look to be almost the same as our Canadian beavertails! (If you Google ‘beavertails’ I sure hope you don’t search a lot of porn!)
    You are a great diet/vacation planner. I’m sure if more people planned like that, the world might be a happier place!
    At least we could eat fucking crinkle-cut salted fries!

  • You should think up some healthy-eating treats to try upon your return to give you something to look forward to in your healthy mode, so you don’t end up resenting it.
    But have a lot of fun on vacation. And remember what Pete Townshend said all those years ago “If you never have pleasure then you might as well be dead…”

  • It’s weird, but I tend to eat healthier when I’m on vacation. Maybe I’m pretending to be chic or something? Or maybe I’m vacationing in the wrong places? I once had a deep fried oreo though, and it was good. 🙂

  • I do well on the green day, red day diet thing which is pretty similar. I just need to stick to it as a lifestyle. Seem to have lost quite a bit lately too, that’s just me walking miles back and forth to college I guess.
    I have a tortilla wrap instead of bread, (or a wholemeal pitta but that’s rare) I gave up bread a long time ago as I don’t think it agrees with me so it wasn’t much of a sacrifice.
    I do watch carbs with protein, that seems to be the thing that does the most damage to me if I break it. If I stick to meat and veggies, (no potatoes), alternated with vegetarian days that includea small amount of potatoes, rice or pasta, that seems to work. Chips are so yummy though, fries as you call them!
    The Scots do deep fried Mars bars 🙂 Can’t say I’ve ever tried one, I do think that would make me ill!

  • I’ve been on a diet since July – only 10 more pounds to go – so I’ve been cheering you on here. We went to Destin a few weeks ago and I did the same thing – out the window with the diet. And guess what? Only gained back 2.5 pounds because we walked all the time and ate lots of fresh seafood. Sure, those fries might be a bit over the top, but hey – it’s vacation!!

  • Love your attitude because while it’s excellent that you have lost weight – I’m glad you haven’t forgotten how to live !!!!

  • Every diet deserves a break! If you’re gonna make those funnel cakes don’t forget the powdered sugar and creamy milk chocolate drizzle. Hell just pour it on, screw the drizzle and have some for me too. Please I would also like you to have some frites for me. Haven’t had French fries since March–damn menopausal weight. Growing old sucks–there is just no future in it. Let us know how wonderful all the food is when you get back!

  • I believe firmly that McDonald’s fries are the best, but they were better back when they were still fried in what was it, beef tallow? They still did that, when I was little, and I miss it.

    I apparently have high blood pressure, so I’ve adjusted my diet accordingly as a result (or I’m trying like hell), with “how much sodium in it?” as my primary concern. Interestingly, many of the low/no sodium foods I’m encountering are also the low calorie ones. Go figure, right?

    Best of luck on your kick ass eating, your planned cheating, and your road to rightness. It’ll be fine! (and fun)

By Michelle


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