Thanks to my friend from Swamp Gas and Moonlit Reflections, I have learned that there is such a thing as ‘breatharians’. Breatharians believe they can sustain themselves by gazing at the sun. No food. No water. No gin and tonics. Nothing. Just sunlight.

I fucking love reading about this shit because it makes me feel better about myself. Sure, that might be emotionally immature, but who cares! I can eat waffles if I want!

Imagine if you worked with a breatharian:

You: Hey, where do you want to go to lunch today?

Breatharian: You’re such a dick.

You: It’s raining out, does that mean you’re on a diet?

Breatharian: You are so insensitive! I got rain water in MY MOUTH.

You: So, you can’t have a midnight snack, can you?

Breatharian: I hate you.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be too worried about getting a breatharian mad. I have to imagine they’re weak.

From what I read breatharians are one of two things: Liars or dead.

I think being a cupcakearian would be so much better than being an breatharian. Sure, it would shorten your lifespan if you subsisted totally on cupcakes, but you’d last longer than a breatharian and you’d get cupcakes. All the time.

You could could become one with your ganache and tell people the tingling in your hands and feet is not caused by diabetes, but rather the exciting rush that one physically feels when communing with the cupcake.

My work friend, who has cruelly abandoned me just because she had surgery, has a little sister who makes some bad ass cupcakes. I have had these for my last three birthdays.

Sure, they might be decorated with fangs or Justin Beiber, but who cares? A cupcake is a goddamn cupcake.

Little sister is the one who told me what ganache is. I don’t come from fancy cupcake people. We made ours from a mix and topped with canned icing. I just called the center of my birthday cupcakes chocolate orgasms but she assures me that it is ganache.

It’s possible that I haven’t completely thought this whole lifestyle through. Still, makes more sense that ingesting sunlight through your eyeballs for sustenance.

I also have this advice and even though I’m not a scientist or a doctor, I feel very secure in dispensing this advice: Don’t stare at the sun! It’s all burny and your eyeballs will melt and no matter how long you look, you areĀ stillĀ going to want a sandwich.

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By Michelle


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