When Decisions Become Easier

W

Well, maybe not easier.

I’ve been freaking out so much about my health. I’ve been sick for a long time. This past month has been better but I’ve had a pretty consistent sinus headache for the past three weeks.

Only I’m not sure it’s a sinus headache. I told the doctor this afternoon about my sinus headaches and the doctor who looks like he ate Rick Moranis smiled and said: Just to let you know..it might not be a sinus headache. A lot of people think they have sinus headaches, but they don’t.

I expected him to stuck is tongue out at me after he spoke. He also thinks the constant headache is due to the nasal spray he prescribed last month. He’s probably right. Dammit.

This is not what the post is about though. Not really.

I’ve been spending so much time fighting back the constant worry that something is really bad wrong with me and I’m going to die that I didn’t consider an equally horrifying prospect.

I had to wait in a waiting room for 55 minutes today. It was completely filled. I got the last seat. I was also by far and away the youngest person in the waiting room. I was also surrounded by people who had to use those voice box thingies.

Disclaimer: I am not poking fun or making light of people who have to use the voice box thingies. I feel compassion for them and I’m sure it’s not a pleasant thing to have to do. That being said, I was surrounded by them. Surrounded. By. Them. 

Two old guys across from me were having a discussion with their voice box thingies. They were talking about how much they enjoyed Cracker Barrel. They discussed how many Cracker Barrels were in the greater Cincinnati area and they wondered how long they’d keep lighting the big fireplace before shutting them down for the season. There was also discussion that the fireplace thing might be at the discretion of the individual stores.

I defy you to listen to that conversation, while hearing a third person talking with a voice box thingy talking about where she might have left her spare insurance card, and not have to keep reminding yourself to not stare. The woman right next to me did not have a voice box thingy, but she was definitely raspy and she had a cane. She kept stomping her cane and waving it around. I was kind of afraid of her.

When they finally called my name, I nearly ran across the room, dodging wheelchairs and walkers like it was an obstacle course.

It dawned on me that I am past the half century mark and I’m likely looking at a future version of myself that is a lot goddamn closer than I like to admit.

Here’s where the decision comes in.

I started blogging in 2010. I had another blog that I wrote for over three years. I still feel pangs of guilt over how I abandoned it. I mean, I never wrote a goodbye post or anything. I just stopped writing it.

That blog was loosely about weight loss and getting into shape. Not a how to. Hahahaha. Fuck no. I really loved writing it, but after a while, decided I really didn’t just want to write shit about attempting a healthy lifestyle. It was getting boring to me. I was also failing.

I jumped back on the get healthy bandwagon last Summer and lost a little of the weight that I had lost and gained back, but that didn’t last long.

After dealing with a constant illness most of the Winter, I found myself right back in a fuck ton of my old habits.

I recently started making stabs at making  healthier choices. I started working out again and am ignoring that I’m starting fucking over and I couldn’t even run a mile anymore without dying. No matter. I’ll get there. I have to start where I start.

It hasn’t been much of an attempt. I’d give up a workout for chicken wings and I haven’t even come close to deciding to give up sugar again. I hate fucking with my coffee.

Then I went to the doctor this afternoon and saw a possible future. Do I really want to be old and barely be able to move?

Sure, maybe it doesn’t matter what I do. That’s a possible outcome for all of us. But it’s for sure going to be the outcome if I don’t take this seriously.

I don’t care about being skinny or what size I get down to. That is very nearly true. What I care about is not being decrepit. I care about being able to take care of myself for as many of my years as possible.

So, no more fucking about for me. I have to get my head back into the Rage Your Way Thin days.

Also, I think this might be the goodbye I needed to say to my first blog.

 

 

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20 comments

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  • Ah the joys of the doctor’s waiting room, mine is generally full of women in burkhas so I don’t know how old they all are 🙂 Maybe this is a plan for when we get old
    Hope you feel better soon, it’s been one hell of a winter

  • Good for you Michelle! I’ve been thinking the same thing lately. I weigh more now than I ever have and looking at my dad it isn’t gonna get better. I hope you can stick with it and be around for a while longer 😉

  • So that’s where the Rage in RageMichelle comes from. Just remember with exercise, any is better than none.
    As someone who walks around with a quad-cane, I’d like to reinforce the idea that the time to incorporate the impact your lifestyle choices have on your long-term health is BEFORE you have a stroke…
    On the positive side, as a hypochondriac, you are probably very familiar with the risk-factors you need to get a handle on. Good luck!

  • Oh sister. I’m on the same wagon. I’m trying to focus on: Yes, I will eat Vegetables and Raw Food that I MORE OR LESS NEVER CRAVE EVER, NEVER EVER, instead of yummy heaps of creamy pasta alfredo with lots of garlic and chicken and cream and butter and cheese and more cheese, plus some parmesan sprinkles. And garlic bread.

    I try to get on the stupid exercise bike as often as I can, even though I’m no workout freak–I’d rather read, or knit, or have a root canal…but I do like the feeling of “Hey–I’m sweating. I’m a freaking GODDESS at this!” My metabolism is a pain in the butt, though, and even when I garden 4-8 hours a day in the summer and live on cucumber sticks, vodka, and sour patch kids, I still don’t lose weight (WTF?).

    I decided to consciously try to do all this because I don’t want my husband’s cholesterol to go any higher, because I adore him and really really want him to be here forever, and because I want my 30-pounds-lighter body BACK, that I always already HAD until about 8 years ago. Because I’m tired of seeing (my idea of) a small tanker looking back at me, when I look in the mirror. I’ve been telling myself this (with, yes, definitely some RAGE) for 8 years. Maybe, possibly this year will be the year it comes true.

    Also, I don’t want to wake up one day in a waiting room wondering why I didn’t get a grip on this crap when I was in my 40s…

    I’m right there raging along with you. But that pasta…and bagels…and pizza. It’s going to be a long haul.

    *reaches for a piece of cauliflower*

    SIGH

    • My metabolism is shit, too. I can lose weight, but it is really hard. When I lost 40+ lbs a few years ago I had to work so hard at it. I was working out before work and after 5 days a week and I cut sugar and bread and pasta from my diet. Almost. I didn’t have it often, but I did cheat every once in a while. I’m working in more fruits and vegetables as much as I can..Mostly I’ve learned that if I don’t prepare for the week on the weekend, then I’m going to make horrible choices through out the week. That’s the biggest thing for me. Preparing.

  • Michelle, you’re a better woman than I am. Kudos to you.
    .
    I seem to be an expert in not quite coping with life. No matter what I’m doing, I just can’t manage to be an adult about *all* of it. Something always suffers. When I manage to work out on a regular basis, then my relationships suffer. When I manage to give my friends and my dog the love and care that they deserve, then my work suffers. When I manage to do a decent job at my work, then my fitness suffers. No matter how much I’m doing, there’s always something I feel like I’m neglecting.
    .
    Of course, if we switched things up and decreed that every week would contain 2 work days and 5 weekend days, I might have a fighting chance. But I’d probably just spend my extra time off lying on the couch in my PJs, drinking adult beverages.

    • Oh god…I’m no different. Not at all. I just don’t want to be immobile when I’m old..

      I choose to not see it as other things not working out as they should…it is what it is. I know for me, other parts of life are easier to deal with when I don’t feel like shit all the time.

      And there is nothing wrong with sitting on the couch and having some drinks. And even if there IS something wrong with it..so fucking what?

  • I know what you mean… I don’t particularly want to outlive all of my loved ones, BUT I definitely don’t want to live out my days unhealthy and in pain. I need to start taking better care of myself while I still have a chance!

  • Michelle and Steph, it’s like we’re soul sisters. I also worry about my future health and get so frustrated with the power food has over me. I’m just taking it day by day, trying to make better nutrition choices, trying to exercise more — but sensibly and sustainable, and trying to remember that it isn’t about weight (although I would be a big liar if I didn’t admit I’d love to lose some of the weight I recently gained back) — but it is about health.

    We should start a support group 🙂

    • We should start a support group. And I know exactly what you mean. I knew what was going to happen to those Lucky Charms when I bought them. I am powerless against sugary cereals.

  • The trick, I think, is to not think in binary terms. A single setback is not an end-of-the-world failure if your overall trend is still improved. And, we must have had similar writing teachers, because I use the phrase “shit ton” a lot. Well done! 🙂

    • I have to remind myself of this all the time. I also always have to remind myself that ‘starting on Monday’ is kind of dumb. Any day is a good day to practice healthy habits.

      So…as soon as I get over this hangover..

  • I have suffered off and on with sinus headaches for years. Allergy medicine and allergy shots every month help. But last year I had them constantly, even with the meds and shots. I had CT scan of my sinuses. They were fine. I was sure they were going to find a giant tumor. Nope. Turns out I had been so stressed that I was clenching my jaw ALL THE TIME. And I sometimes grind my teeth when I sleep. It’s crazy, cause I never would have thought that it would make my sinuses hurt. I got some neck and head massages and did stretches, etc. I’m not suggesting that is what is going on with you, but I thought I’d share cause you never know. Sinus headaches suck. And I’m not typically a hypochondriac, but a near constant headache will drive anyone to think they’re dying! Hope you get some answers and get it resolved…

    • Ohhh..interesting! And I’ve had a LOT of stress over the past few years. I’ve even had some TMJ issue (jaw clicking and pain) but I never thought it would cause sinus type headaches.

      It’s not too bad today, so it might have been the sinus spray like he suspected. I’m glad you found your answers..it’s miserable to feel bad all the damn time.

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