Do NOT Touch My Boobs

Hubs got me a massage for Christmas this past Christmas. He doesn’t usually buy me gift certificates, but did this time. Probably because I told him “Seriously dude…the ONLY thing I want for Christmas is a gift certificate for a massage…THE ONLY THING I WANT”.

I planned on starting my billionth attempt at a good workout schedule and would use the massage as a reward. That changed from a ‘reward’ to ‘fuck it, I want my massage’.

I took a personal day from work and decided to spend the day being a slug and getting a massage. After doing a lot of nothing, I headed out for my treat.

The receptionist told me that Jeff was available and that he was one of their most requested therapists.

I am not a prude but I am kind of a prude. I prefer a female therapist. However, I decided to THINK about removing the prude stick from my ass and go with the most requested therapist in the whole place.

The receptionist handed me a medical form to fill out. She told me as soon as I finished, I would be taken to the ‘Tranquility’ room to wait for Jeff.

The form was standard; injuries, illnesses, stuff like that. Then, some check boxes indicating where you would like or NOT like to be touched.

Gluteus Muscles. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Glutes. That’s my butt. Do I want my BUTT touched? NO. No touching the butt.

Feet. Damn. I used to love a good foot massage, but thanks to the dickwad aging process, I have nerve damage in my feet and foot rubs went from being one of my favorite things to outright uncomfortable. So…feet are right out. Besides, my heels are a mess now and I forgot to remove the left over polish from my last pedicure.

Abdomen. HAHAHAHA…is there a ‘FUCK NO’ box to check?

Pectoral Muscles. Okay…is this code for boobs? Because I don’t want my boobs massaged. Or is this just the front of my shoulders? The front of my shoulders is fine. But not the boobs. Okay, okay, okay..they do NOT mean the boobs. No way would they touch my boobs. Yes, the pectoral muscles are fine.

The tranquility room was like a fancy doctor waiting room with poor lighting and better magazines. I was there alone for a few minutes before another patron was brought in. She was my age-ish  with better hair and definitely in better shape.

I live in a somewhat upper middle class community. Our family is one of those that keep that bar from rising too high. The other woman looked like she belonged.

While feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place plus being annoyed with myself for feeling uncomfortable and out-of-place, I heard a voice call my name.

And there was Jeff. I had envisioned an aging jock with gray wavy hair. I did not envision a 25-year-old surfer looking dude with a Beatles haircut and peace symbol tattoos on both arms.

Fucking hell. He looks like he’s about my son’s age. MY SON’S AGE! And why don’t we just go ahead and make this more weird by thinking about my son.

I followed Jeff back to the room and tried my best to not look like I was mildly freaked out.

Jeff was professional. He told me that he would step outside for a few moments while I got ready and that it was their policy to assume that any part of the body left covered up was ‘off limits’.

Fuck. And now it’s back to the boobs. If I take my bra off, does that mean he thinks he can touch my boobs? Because no. Oh My God. What if the reason Jeff is so requested is because a bunch of bored housewives want their boobies fondled? But if I leave it on would that mean that my shoulder blades are off-limits? Because that’s one of the best places to have rubbed.  Shit, and look at this bra anyway. It’s at LEAST fifty shades of gray. Fuck that. This is coming off.

As it were, Jeff was not only professional, he was also good.

Very. Good.

It only took five minutes of feeling uncomfortable before giving into to surfer dude with the Beatles haircut. I had some knots in my shoulder blades that burned like fire as he worked out those kinks..that hurts so good thing? Yeah, that was it. As far as the prudish stick up my ass about a male therapist goes, just melted away like a prude stick suppository. All I did was feel good.

Okay, there might have been ONE other moment. He did the karate chop thing on my back. I didn’t know people really did the karate chop thing; I thought that was just in the movies. It felt good but I was somewhat taken aback and I almost laughed. Also, I really wanted to go AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH  just to hear the noise. Kinda like when you talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

All in all, I’d go back and see Jeff again. They have a monthly installment plan where you get a once a month massage at a discounted rate. I AM considering that plan. Just as soon as all the bills are routinely paid on time and I have no medical debt. Which means it’s never going to happen. Still…a girl can dream, right?

Also, he didn’t touch my boobs.

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  • I have only recently begun having regular massages and I think we might be about the same age. My son just turned 25 yesterday. I work at a physical therapy clinic that employs four massage therapists. I’ve now seen three of them and prefer two, Vinton – who is married and about my age — and Amy, who is considerably younger and shorter than me but has the strongest hands of any woman I know. What you wrote is some of what I think during massages! Good news at our clinic, we have private rooms at least. One of my most tender areas is the pecs, which are close to the boobs, of course, but it does help to have those massaged. I have two bulging discs in my lower neck, that shoot burning pain from my shoulder all down my arm. Massage is a great relief. Hand and foot massage is great too and some places will do just that for a very reduced rate. I enjoy your twitter posts and look forward to following your blog!

    • Thank you so much!! I am really looking forward to my next massage. How nice that they are right at your fingertips! Or that their fingertips are right by you…

  • LMFAO! The karate chop, I would have to laugh out loud at that. I had a massage last fall with a young buff dude. It was the best freaking massage of my life – he did things to my inner thighs and such that I can’t even comprehend. I was jelly after.
    P.S.: Love your new blog!

    • I had a hard time NOT laughing. And it actually felt good, so I didn’t mind it..still..a little weird. Thanks, sugar pop, I’m glad you like it!

  • LOL I am dying laughing here and so is my bf. I have major issues with people I don’t know touching me- I was seeing the same chiropractor multiple times per month for months before I could start to relax so they could really do things right. Probably would have had a panic attack with hot young surfer dude putting his random hands on me! Still, totally jealous!

    • I have a wide personal space and I have a hard time with people touching me as well.

      I was probably close to a panic attack. But I got over it. 🙂

  • Ha! I barter out veterinary services w/a (female, same age as me) friend/neighbor/client massage therapist, which is one of the best deals I ever made… I can award sessions to my staff (when they do right 😉 and since G & I are friends, we can shoot the shit while she gets the kinks outta my spine!
    I might be a little freaked out by a young hot male masseuse, but heck, I rub my boy’s back all the time…

  • LMAO! That is hilarious!! I’ve been getting massages for so long (plus I’m old and my memory sucks) that I don’t remember my first few… although it’s been a looooong time since I’ve had one at all. *sigh*

    I prefer a woman masseuse, too. Not sure why, because I’m a total hetero perve. I mean, hey, if the guy is hot, not too young and I’m single, I might let him massage my boobs.

    Ok, probably not. I’m a lot braver in my fantasies.

    • I’ve had massages many times in the past..but not at this chain and not by a man…I have no idea why I freaked out over it. I’ve never been back there, even though I desperately want to.. I have to wait until all the practical uses for my money are you will never happen.

  • I remember being really uncomfortable the first time I ever had one but I got past it. I don’t think there were any men in the salons I’ve been to, not sure I’d mind that really. I can’t remember the last time I had a massage though and I would kill for one right now.

    I’d rather like someone to walk up and down my spine, not tried that but I somehow think it might fix me for a bit.

    No, my boobs don’t need massaging either, I don’t think we hold a lot of tension in those…..and a big noooooo to the abdomen too, who on earth enjoys that?

    • Oh God…I can’t even imagine who would enjoy that.

      I go through some anxiety every time because of the whole ‘getting touched’ thing. Love massages…hate getting touched.

  • I love this post! I get the same sort of anxieties filling out those forms and over-thinking everything. But I’m still not sure I could have a male massage therapist.

  • I used to prefer female massage therapists until the time I got one with semi-long nails. That was a surprise and a half, let me tell you. They were nicely manicured and she was pretty good about holding her hands so the nails didn’t dig in, but the few times they did scrape against my skin were enough to keep me ever so slightly on edge, which kind of defeated the whole point of my being there.
    Also her hands were like ice. And stayed like ice…despite the fact that this was a hot stone massage. The more I think about it, the more it seems possible she was undead. Did I get a massage from a vampire?
    BTW I’ve done the robot noise before and all I can say is WORTH IT.

  • About 4 years ago I got a stiff neck then eventually became so severe I couldn’t turn my head. I had chiropractic care, I have a long needles of pain meds shot into my neck, and nothing worked. And I started getting massages every week. It seems so decadent. Between that and the year of physical therapy with a very homeopathic physical therapist I can actually turn my head and go back to yoga. Not to mention back of my car. So go back to Jeff, boobs or no boobs it’s totally worth it!

    • Sadly, he no longer works there. But a woman I work with recommended a guy and he’s actually pretty reasonable in price. I’m going to give it a shot.

  • I went for my first massage recently and walked out with improved shoulder mobility. Just like that. He found spots I didn’t think we’re a ‘thing’. Definitely going regularly. so

By Michelle


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