Don’t Drain On My Parade

I’ve had a fairly uneventful week. Work didn’t suck. Other than my normal levels of waxing and waning anxiety, I was mostly anxiety free. Weeks like this are where I get my strength for the weeks when everything is going to shit.

Oh, except the check engine light is on in our red car. But I am not thinking about that right now. Nope. Not today.

Anyway, the work week is nearly dead. Love live the weekend.

I stood in the shower long enough to prune up my hands and listened to the water going down the drain. It kind of sounded like whispering in a weird, Stephen King-y kind of way.

I listened and listened and it sounded like words that I could almost make out. The words came in a steady flow, but with a sense of urgency. I thought, if I could understand what the drain is saying…fuck…that’d be cool. Because you know drains would have good stories. Probably some really gross ones, too.

I listened and listened. I started understanding what the drain was saying. I could hear the words.

It was a goddamn Applebee’s ad.

Haha. Just kidding. I couldn’t make out the words. Also, I am very tired.

Oh yeah, and I experienced a moment of self discovery while talking to Randy and watching him flip through Netflix.

I was telling him the drain story and asking him if he thought it was too goofy.

Randy: That ship sailed about 100 posts ago.

Me: Haha, motherfucker. Seriously, you don’t think it’s too weird?

Randy: Nah, it’s funny.

Me: Okay.

Randy: You’re funny.

Me: I’m funny?

Randy: Yeah

Me: How am I funny? Do I amuse you?

Randy: Yeah

Me: So I amuse you like I’m a fucking clown?

Randy: Yes. You amuse me like a motherfucking clown.

Lesson learned: I am not as intimidating as Joe Pesci.

Here are a couple memes that I had on Rubber Shoes In Hell’s Facebook page.

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  • Listening to the drain is like repeating a word over and over so many times that it isn’t a word anymore… just a weird sound that is supposed to mean something that doesn’t mean anything anymore… in my head.
    I don’t think you’re funny, like a clown… duh, that’s a visual and I can only see you in my mind (lately, it’s the one of you with the clear plastic thing in your mouth at Joey’s grad-party πŸ˜€ ).
    I think you are HILARIOUS!! like a comedienne who knows how to make a sad girl smile over the ridiculousness of life!!
    And you are a freebie, which makes me happy AND smiling… I hear the two are supposed to go together?
    And, no, no, you are not intimidating… sorry πŸ˜‰
    (Thank you for that, we’ll let Suze Orman be the man-talking intimidating woman…)
    Thanks for such a fun week of reading… you hit all the right ‘feels!’


  • I listen for music in everything – the whoosh of fans, A/C, vacuum, etc. There used to be this big power thing in our backyard as a kid. I don’t know what it is. Some power company box. But it made a lot of noise and I would lie on it and hum along with it.

    This made me think of that…

    …and will probably turn into a blog post.

  • I think this is the part where I too will now try understanding drains. And then we organize a group of drain whisperers, which then turns into a cult.
    So, you just created a cult.

  • lol. Check engine light… got so bad and so often on our trip to the Yukon and Alaska a couple of years ago that I suggested we just cover it up with black tape and get on with it.
    Didn’t work….we spent about three weeks waiting for a part in Whitehorse while I nursed a broken arm. Not saying the engine light was a warning about my broken arm…but still…’s a thought I never thought before.
    Wouldn’t it be funny (not) if humans came with a check engine light? Maybe that’s a post for another day.

  • I can’t say that you’re intimidating. You ARE funny, but not in a clown way, mainly because clowns scare the shit out of me—-Pennywise and all that. (You can never have too many Stephen King references, just for the record.) So, I wouldn’t keep returning to your blog if you were like a clown. πŸ™‚
    When I’m having the crappiest days, or sometimes weeks, ever, you give me a shot of laughter and even relief. Relief that I’m not the only off-kilter individual out there in this Universe! Haha! That’s it! You’re like a human Epi-pen! A shot of adrenaline for my severe allergic reactions to assholes and to life!

  • When our check engine light came on, we asked our mechanic friend, Rob (who got us the car) how to fix it. He said he could do it, but he’d have to take the dash apart. When Briana asked him why, he said “So I can take the little light bulb out.”
    I also try to listen to the music in everything. A crazy guitar player friend of mine thought he could hear a jazz fusion drummer in a malfunctioning fan at his work, which was OK, but after he tried to explain it to his coworkers, they eventually got annoyed. Did I mention that he was crazy? Right now I hear a layered rhythm from the refrigerator motor, punctuated with little gurgling noises from the the cat’s electric water bowl…
    You don’t seem much like a clown to me, clowns are hella creepy.

    • Hahahaha…but not like a clown. Well..if it is a clown, then I need a new wardrobe. Except for that one striped pair of pajama pants. They’re definitely clown pants.

  • The drain in my whirlpool says, “I’m telling the folks in the next zip code that you use too much fucking water.” But I have a well, so the hell with the damn drain.

  • Ah crap – now I’m going to be listening to the sound water makes as it goes down plugholes, for the voices… this is how it begins, isn’t it.

  • I am relieved to know you hear voices in your drain. I’ve always heard them while my furnace runs. I’m not telling anyone else.

  • You already know you amuse me like a fucking clown but the important thing is Applebee’s owes you money for throwing some free advertising their way.
    Or they owe your drain money for playing their ad, but they can just give it to you directly since you’re the drain’s agent.
    Either way Applebee’s should give you enough money to get the check engine light fixed.

  • I’ve been trying to be more mindful in my life – you know, really paying attention to what I’m feeling, tasting, seeing, etc? It’s apparently supposed to help with anxiety. I never thought about being mindful in the shower – you seem to have it down pat!

By Michelle


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