I’m Not Sure There Is Really A Dog


Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic? She isn’t sure if there is really a dog.

I have ADD and am slightly dyslexic, which results in me having a difficult time following numbered instructions or manuals. I can read and retain narratives with no issue, but a list of instructions? I will get the first one and the last one and the middle things become undecipherable.

I received a request to contribute to some blogging event for the over 50 crowd. I said yes.

I don’t know why I said yes. I am overextended as it is. I’m not keeping my own projects on track. I have no business joining someone else’s project.

So, I am overextended and I have a hard time following instructions.

The first email told me all I needed to know about how much this blog event was going to suck.

I don’t think this event is a blog hop because I didn’t see the word “hop” anywhere. Not that it matters as I have no fucking idea what a blog hop is. I tried to read up on blog hops, but I read five words and my brain said “noooooooooope…not reading this”.

Anyway, this is what the blog event instructions look like to me:

This is a simple process, just remember the following:

You write a post about everyone else’s post and then you post your post on the post date when your post should be posted. Post.

Only post your post on the posted date if your hair catches on fire. Also make sure the person scheduled the day before you and the person scheduled the day after you also experience hair I'm Not Sure There Is Really A Dogfires.

I probably don’t have to say this, but the above rule only applies if Mercury is in retrograde.

Make sure every third word in your post contains a special character.

By special character, I mean the letter X. I love the letter X. I find it special.

It would be helpful if you spoke with your neighbors about composing a score to go along with your post. If your neighbors don’t have a Youtube account, then you can post their music on the Youtube account of the person who blogged 3 posts before yours. Unless that person’s first name starts with a “Y” but their name isn’t Yolanda. If their name is Yolanda, then your score should consist of only bagpipe music and should be performed by people who have a diaper fetish. Unless you you were born with a third nipple, then you have the option of substituting a didgeridoo for the bagpipes. Also, sorry about the third nipple thing.

If your blog post is scheduled to post on the night after the full moon, then don’t forget to start every other sentence with the letter “W” and make sure you reference the Illuminati at least 4 times. Also, make sure the words “Scrooge” and “McDuck” are in your title.

Don’t forget, in order for this campaign to be successful, then you have to promote your work and the work of at least 7 other bloggers participating. You must also complete one of the following: Either write a speech for Donald Trump and make him look well informed, likable and reasonable or groom his hair like he is the baby monkey and you are the momma monkey.

I hate to be picky, and I don’t want to insult anyone by pointing out the obvious, but everyone is aware that by reading the first email in this chain you are now contractually obligated to relinquish 72 hours of your afterlife to go toward the “Heaven for a day” incentive. Satan started this program to reward damned souls who set good examples for all the other souls damned to burn in a river of fire for all eternity.

Remember, this is not a competition, this is a way for all of us to shine. Besides, we all know who the winners are! The winners are the ones who write. Also, the 3 people with the most page views will be granted immortality. But this is not a contest. Let’s keep it friendly folks. It’s just immortality.

This is standard stuff. We all know the drill by now. I mean, it’s not like we’re rookie bloggers who don’t even know what a blog hop is. I am so looking forward to reading your work! Don’t forget to fill out the appropriate paperwork or you will be visited in your dreams by angry fairies! Most importantly, don’t forget to have fun! And to burn your mother’s third grade teacher in effigy!


I’m scheduled in May. I didn’t go to college, but I thought I might try and squeeze in a quick associates degree next weekend and try reading the instructions again.

Also, I am thinking about organizing a blogging event. Just read the above rules and let me know if you are interested.

Photo courtesy of Kamesh Vedula




About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

By Michelle


RSIH in your inbox