I’m Not Sure There Is Really A Dog

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic? She isn’t sure if there is really a dog.

I have ADD and am slightly dyslexic, which results in me having a difficult time following numbered instructions or manuals. I can read and retain narratives with no issue, but a list of instructions? I will get the first one and the last one and the middle things become undecipherable.

I received a request to contribute to some blogging event for the over 50 crowd. I said yes.

I don’t know why I said yes. I am overextended as it is. I’m not keeping my own projects on track. I have no business joining someone else’s project.

So, I am overextended and I have a hard time following instructions.

The first email told me all I needed to know about how much this blog event was going to suck.

I don’t think this event is a blog hop because I didn’t see the word “hop” anywhere. Not that it matters as I have no fucking idea what a blog hop is. I tried to read up on blog hops, but I read five words and my brain said “noooooooooope…not reading this”.

Anyway, this is what the blog event instructions look like to me:

This is a simple process, just remember the following:

You write a post about everyone else’s post and then you post your post on the post date when your post should be posted. Post.

Only post your post on the posted date if your hair catches on fire. Also make sure the person scheduled the day before you and the person scheduled the day after you also experience hair I'm Not Sure There Is Really A Dogfires.

I probably don’t have to say this, but the above rule only applies if Mercury is in retrograde.

Make sure every third word in your post contains a special character.

By special character, I mean the letter X. I love the letter X. I find it special.

It would be helpful if you spoke with your neighbors about composing a score to go along with your post. If your neighbors don’t have a Youtube account, then you can post their music on the Youtube account of the person who blogged 3 posts before yours. Unless that person’s first name starts with a “Y” but their name isn’t Yolanda. If their name is Yolanda, then your score should consist of only bagpipe music and should be performed by people who have a diaper fetish. Unless you you were born with a third nipple, then you have the option of substituting a didgeridoo for the bagpipes. Also, sorry about the third nipple thing.

If your blog post is scheduled to post on the night after the full moon, then don’t forget to start every other sentence with the letter “W” and make sure you reference the Illuminati at least 4 times. Also, make sure the words “Scrooge” and “McDuck” are in your title.

Don’t forget, in order for this campaign to be successful, then you have to promote your work and the work of at least 7 other bloggers participating. You must also complete one of the following: Either write a speech for Donald Trump and make him look well informed, likable and reasonable or groom his hair like he is the baby monkey and you are the momma monkey.

I hate to be picky, and I don’t want to insult anyone by pointing out the obvious, but everyone is aware that by reading the first email in this chain you are now contractually obligated to relinquish 72 hours of your afterlife to go toward the “Heaven for a day” incentive. Satan started this program to reward damned souls who set good examples for all the other souls damned to burn in a river of fire for all eternity.

Remember, this is not a competition, this is a way for all of us to shine. Besides, we all know who the winners are! The winners are the ones who write. Also, the 3 people with the most page views will be granted immortality. But this is not a contest. Let’s keep it friendly folks. It’s just immortality.

This is standard stuff. We all know the drill by now. I mean, it’s not like we’re rookie bloggers who don’t even know what a blog hop is. I am so looking forward to reading your work! Don’t forget to fill out the appropriate paperwork or you will be visited in your dreams by angry fairies! Most importantly, don’t forget to have fun! And to burn your mother’s third grade teacher in effigy!

                                                                                           ***

I’m scheduled in May. I didn’t go to college, but I thought I might try and squeeze in a quick associates degree next weekend and try reading the instructions again.

Also, I am thinking about organizing a blogging event. Just read the above rules and let me know if you are interested.

Photo courtesy of Kamesh Vedula

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Liv says:

    But…what do I do about Yoko?

    Reply
  2. jo(e) says:

    Ha! This made me laugh out loud.

    Reply
  3. Troll says:

    Phew. There’s no hope of my following those directions so I’d make up my own rules and defy anyone to show me how they were wrong.

    I see what you mean by blog hop but any description that makes up it’s own word like linky is doomed to my interpretation though every blogger should know what it means. Screw that…. no, fuck that.

    Have fun, keep doing your thing. Looking forward to whatever you’re going to do.

    Reply
  4. “Also, sorry about the third nipple thing.”
    Michele,
    You never cease to amaze me. I have no idea what a blog hop is and am afraid I still don’t. Good luck and bring Spanx.

    Reply
  5. Samara says:

    First, I just had a good laugh over so much of this. Hair fires, and Scrooge McDuck? hahaha

    I now have to say that it feels magical to see the before and after of this piece of writing. I feel kinda special right now.

    You’re funny without even trying. I’m writing this morning, (avoiding writing, at the moment, as you can tell) sweating out every sentence, and your brain is a never ending source of great material. I may be a little jealous of you today.

    Reply
  6. Monique says:

    Dear woman, i’m the over 50 and I live in the Netherlands, a small country in Europe.
    Maybe that is Why I did not understand, except for the angry fairies.
    Don’t get involved, you are to good a writer.
    Anxiously waiting for your next piece.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Thank you so much! And I’m already involved. I just have NO IDEA what I’m supposed to do. I will probably get Randy to figure it out for me and he can just tell me what I need to write. Haha

      Reply
  7. Katnap says:

    Aaaaand… this is why I don’t blog. I knew there’d be a technical part. (Plus I’m incredibly lazy and hate it when something is expected of me.) Could mentalpause induce ADD? Also, please refrain from writing “third nipple” because … just because. Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Monique says:

    If that’s the case, just let the words flote on to paper and it will be awsome

    Reply
  9. Lisa K says:

    Umm… the circle of life is complete?
    OK, so I thought Dewey and MARC21 formatting for the online card catalog with it’s double entry for the 245 and 246 fields and to be sure and remember to remove the 955 field from other library’s imports was a roundabout evil way of making my brain use pictures, arrows and off kilter chalk circles.
    I am aware now.
    If I was you? This would be my entry.
    You will have every seriously warped and cocky blogger in the room weeping … because you obviously ARE the winner and having the MOST fun!!
    (…too bad about that immortality clause, but.. meh… whatever, you got your Rubber Shoes, you’re good!)

    Reply
  10. Terri Lee says:

    Definitely a “laugh out loud” today! Isn’t it telling that more than one of us, out of the entire post, gravitated toward that one remark about the angry fairies? I was paid a visit in my sleep last night by those little bitches!

    Speaking of angry fairies, are you sure it wasn’t one of them that created this entire idea to begin with? I mean, I love to write, too, but what you described—-no doubt, MUCH better than the original instructions—-sounds suspiciously like WORK to me. That dreaded four-letter word. Suggestion: skip the rest and go straight to the “have fun” part and for Dog’s sake, write the speech for Trump and stay the fuck out of that HAIR!!! UGH! Ain’t no mama monkey int eh world that wants to stick her hands in THAT. Plus, you’d probably catch something. No, Yolanda, go groom Randy instead. Haha!

    Reply
  11. I’m pretty sure Mercury is in retrograde right now, although, as I understand it, that’s a purely subjective thing from our standpoint. Mercury always orbits the sun in the same direction but back when people thought the sun revolved around the Earth it looked like Mercury sometimes went backwards.

    This is why I can’t follow directions either. I get completely distracted by a small detail of one of the directions and keep going back to the person who wrote the directions to ask them to clarify until they finally say, “I GIVE UP. I’LL JUST DO IT MYSELF.”

    Works every time.

    Reply
  12. Mila says:

    Ahahahaha.
    Also, I think you should make manuals for the beginner bloggers because that pretty much sums it up.

    Reply
  13. What? I’m not alone in the overly scheduled how the hell am I going to read all of these and post one myself and then do all the other stuff I’m supposed to be doing, department? Oh thank God. OK then. DO sign me up for your blogging event. Sounds peachy. Trust you want photos of not only my third grade teacher but also her cousin’s aunt’s sister’s husband. Excellent. Off to drink. I mean write.

    Reply
  14. Ken Knudson says:

    Ya know what? You’re fun to read!

    Reply
  15. Goodness, is it hair fire season again already? My, how time flies.

    Reply
  16. You know I’m in! I have a diaper fetish! I’ve got twin one year old grandkids, those things are fucking everywhere! In the car, in my purse, on the kitchen table…everywhere!

    Reply
  17. Kate Mayer says:

    I wanna post a comment, but not sure what to what to post or when to post it or how to log-in and whether my hair will catch on fire and look squirrel. Gotta go. thx for making me feel normal. Good luck on the degree. xo

    Reply
  18. FUN! (which is sort of like !NUF except more enjoyable) 🙂

    Reply
  19. Oh my gosh!!!!! I think I’ve been joining the exact same blog events as you!!!

    Those angry fairies are bitches.

    Reply
  20. Kate says:

    You’re fucked. This sounds like a misery in the making. I have little patience with communicators who cannot communicate.

    But you turned it into a hilarious post, so that’s what I call making the best of a FUBAR situation. 🙂

    Reply
  21. Marianne says:

    Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? She stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

    Reply
  22. On the positive side, if you take the job working with Donald Trump’s hair you would have forever job security. Forever, as in eternally. So the agnostic dog may or may not come in handy.

    Reply
  23. Doug in Oakland says:

    There very definitely is a dog, as I can hear it barking on the other side of the fence as I type this. I don’t know whether or not it created the universe, or put angry fairies in it. Maybe I can convince Briana to ask it the next time she sneaks it a doggy treat…
    Blog hop sounds like a home beer making supply.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      OMG it really does sound like home beer stuff. Tell Briana to put in a good word for me with Dog.

      Reply
      • Doug in Oakland says:

        I just made a stunning discovery as I was walking my exercise laps around the back yard: There is more than one dog. There are at least three of them, and what’s more is that they all seem to know of one another’s existence…

        Reply
  24. Bradley says:

    I’ve been ready a lot of heavy blogs this morning, which has put me in a somber mood. Thank you for making me laugh. You don’t know how badly I needed it.

    Reply
  25. I too have ADD, so my eyes started to cross after your second paragraph and I have no idea what the rest of your post said. Good job.

    Reply
  26. Ha Ha Ha! I feel like this a lot!

    Reply
  27. You completely nailed this! I was once part of a bake sale that came with (I am NOT joking) a 12-page PDF of instructions on how to package your items for sale. Wish you could have seen that.

    Reply
  28. OMG…all I can do is quote Prince: “A strong spirit transcends rules.”

    Reply
  29. This somehow reminds me of someone hitting me up for a loan last month. They needed the money immediately. I told them I could not drive an hour and get them the money that day. Why did you wait so long to ask? Then they sent me instructions on how to send them the money by Western Union. It was a nice drive.

    Reply
  30. Scott says:

    If Mercury is in retrograde right now, does that mean my thermometer won’t work?

    Reply
  31. Me says:

    OMG – you never fail to deliver !!! I bet these are the instructions that my Mom read when I told her all she had to do to load the money on her mobile was to follow the instructions – maybe I should have been more specific about which instructions she was supposed to follow !!!!
    Have fun – and, as always, please remember to share with us !!!! xox

    Reply
  32. Maria Pasternak says:

    Ha ha ha I snorted/laughed!

    Reply
  33. If people make complex rules for something unpaid and voluntary, they can’t expect the best.

    Reply
  34. KK says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha, I love this so much. The music world has also become this, that looks like some of the promoter’s instructions to bands on multiple line ups and makes as much sense!

    I believe in cat!

    Reply
  35. Mary-Anne says:

    I don’t know if there is a dog or not, but when my son was about 4 he told me that he thought God was a veterinarian in space. I could live with that.

    Reply
  36. I’m very sure there’s a dog. Especially because somehow, she’s lying on the couch such that her tail stub AND all four paws are touching me. While her head languishes off to the side because I didn’t feed her a doughnut.

    Reply
  37. AmberLynn says:

    I once got roped into a chain flip flop exchange in which I mailed off two pair of shoes to random people I didn’t know with the promise of getting 20 some pairs back….do you think it happened? NO! But someone else got some kick ass flip flops! I like your scheme better…I’m in!

    Reply