I love to listen to other people speak candidly and I love other people’s stories. Especially when they are good enough to steal for blog post material.
When we were visiting with our musician friends, I had the pleasure of watching the drummer and bass player compare the contents of emergency bags they keep in their cars. I don’t remember everything that was in each of their bags, I just remember this much: The bass player had fishing line, sunglasses, and water. The drummer had lyrics, vodka, and about 14 hand towels.
I figured between the two of them, they could do wet work. The fishing line could be used for garroting their target and then the 14 hand towels could be used to clean up the mess. Although, I don’t think that is what emergency bags are supposed to be used for.
The emergency bag show and tell ended and the drummer started talking about singers with impressive vocal ranges. Which led to a discussion about Steve Perry from Journey.
My friend Lizzie said that she saw him in a mall once and he went into the women’s bathroom.
Randy is not a fan of Steve Perry. He calls him Howard the duck. No idea why as I don’t think Steve Perry looks like a duck.
Randy: He went into the women’s bathroom so he could brush his vagina.
Me: Yes. Because that’s what people with vaginas do. We brush them. I know I like to brush my vagina at least 3 times a day.
Randy: With a toothbrush?
Me: Now you’re just being silly. We use a vagina brush.
Bass Player (using a radio announcer’s voice): Buy two vagina brushes and get one free.
Me: This is not your mother’s vagina brush.
The next morning, Randy and I went to the drug store to stock up on some cold meds as he was sick as fuck. While we were in the store, I found this brush for a dollar.
We go back to my friend’s house and the drummer was up and about. I pulled the brush out and said “Hey, look! I got a vagina brush for a dollar”!
He had forgotten the conversation.
I’m going to say that my most awkward thing I’ve done in the past two months was to announce to a virtual stranger that I had a vagina brush. Seriously, we barely know each other. We had to be reintroduced the night before as he didn’t recognize me. I’d hang shit on him in this post for that, but honestly, I have to be reintroduced to people a lot. I tend to blend.
I recovered like I normally do by babbling incoherently until I’m reduced to just making noises and hand gestures. I had a vagina brush to wave around like a conductor’s baton to help me out.
It occurred to me that a cheap round brush might make the worst vagina brush ever. Here is my list of things that would make a worse vagina brush than my cheap round brush:
sticky pine cones
incandescent light bulbs
As it turns out, no matter how tired and giddy you are from the day before, the vagina brush conversation can only be sustained for so long. More accurately, it shouldn’t be sustained for very long.
Lizzie told me a story, after listening to me bitch about my broke ass phone for the 10th time, about having to get a tech support guy out to their cabin because their internet was down.
To say that my friend and her husband are smart people would be an understatement.
Lizzie: So, the tech guy tells us “I see what your problem is. Your modem is full and the data is leaking out”.
Lizzie: We didn’t call him out on his bullshit. We just asked questions to try to keep it going.
Me: Data that leaks out of the internet smells like cat piss. But I guess that is to be expected.
Lizzie: Yeah, whole websites are gone forever.
Me: And collected in the corners of your studio.
Lizzie: It has a sort of sticky, grainy consistency.
Me: You probably need Goo Gone to get that shit cleaned up. Because you don’t want that shit getting rancid. Internet people are weird. It would end up eating through your floors.
I’m kind of glad I had my forced electronics break. I would have forgotten a lot of this stuff had I not written down some notes. I think my notebook will become an extension of me from now on.
So, what do you guys talk about when you get together with your friends? Anyone else ever have that leaky data issue? What’s the dumbest thing a tech support person has ever said to you?