Epiphany bruising syndrome, besides being something I just made up, is when a person actively explores their own brain and gets pummeled, on a regular basis, by some heavy epiphanies.
I’ve been battered and bruised since I started writing this weird, blog/ journal. It hasn’t been easy, but writing has been worth it.
I have examined my privilege and how my actions or inaction is part of societal problems. I have discovered my own narcissistic tendencies. I have learned I sometimes exhibit the types of behavior I rail against.
I’m not sorry for these epiphanies, but it is difficult to process some of these less than pleasant realizations about myself.
Especially, if anxiety and/or depression has settled in.
I know none of you who have been around a while will be shocked, but my anxiety is off the charts right now. I thought about not even mentioning it, because I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record. I bet that saying doesn’t make sense to a lot of people under 30.
Anyway, we have two world leaders behaving like children with their fingers over buttons that can kill millions. We have our government trying to take healthcare from millions. We have peaceful protesters being vilified while Nazis and white supremacists, who have actually murdered someone, not being condemned by the president.
I don’t even want to talk about work. We have an implementation coming up fast and I am terrified. I’m shaky all the time and the taste of metal is my constant companion.
I’ve actually made an appointment with my doctor. The last time my anxiety felt this bad, I was being poisoned by my medicine. I don’t think that is the case this time. I think life is just really bizarre and difficult now and my coping skills have gone into hiding.
Dealing with hard epiphanies right now is just too much.
Anyway, I had an epiphany the other day and this one didn’t hurt at all.
This one was as light as marshmallow fluff. And less sticky! It also kind of has to do with Jesus.
Randy really was super worried about that last post about Jesus quitting Twitter. He was afraid that I would offend someone and they would go on the attack. He worries about that a lot. I totally get it. I get he is concerned. I get that he knows how long I’ve been working at writing and doesn’t want me to harm my brand.
Here is my epiphany: I don’t care.
If I were writing to make money, I would have quit writing five years ago. I just want to do what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love making money from writing. I love it. Especially, because we’re painting our house and paint is expensive. But I don’t make a lot of money. Not enough to make a real difference.
I don’t care about that, either.
I want to write because I love it. I love coming up with a clever turn of phrase. I love ranting. I love when I can actually make myself laugh. I love connecting with other humans. I love when I can release something that is buzzing in my brain, especially painful things, because when I share these things with you, they don’t hurt as much anymore.
I have a few big projects that I am currently not working on because I’ve been paralyzed. I have a constant push in my brain to get these projects done. Get them done. Get them right. Make them good.
It is driving me mad.
I don’t want writing to be another thing in my life that hurts my brain.
I have enough of that, more than my share.
I will work on my bigger projects because they are interesting to me.
I am not in a race. I need not do these projects for any other reason than because it pleases me to write them. Selling them doesn’t mean anything right now. People loving or hating or being indifferent to my stories isn’t part of this process. I just want to write because I want to. It’s okay to stop comparing myself. I don’t have to have an impressive bio. I can just write what I want because writing feels good.
This epiphany felt more like a release.
This epiphany feels more like a warm blanket. Also, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this epiphany. I don’t know if the definition of epiphany allows for multiple epiphanies about the same thing, if not, lets just pretend it does. Apparently, this is a lesson I am going to have to learn more than once. I doubt this is the last time.
This is really cool because the constant feeling of being overwhelmed eased up with this epiphany. Not a lot, but enough to allow for a few deep breaths.
We gotta take what we can get, right?