Epiphany Bruising Syndrome

Epiphany bruising syndrome, besides being something I just made up, is when a person actively explores their own brain and gets pummeled, on a regular basis, by some heavy epiphanies.

I’ve been battered and bruised since I started writing this weird, blog/ journal. It hasn’t been easy, but writing has been worth it.

I have examined my privilege and how my actions or inaction is part of societal problems. I have discovered my own narcissistic tendencies. I have learned I sometimes exhibit the types of behavior I rail against.

I’m not sorry for these epiphanies, but it is difficult to process some of these less than pleasant realizations about myself.

Especially, if anxiety and/or depression has settled in.

I know none of you who have been around a while will be shocked, but my anxiety is off the charts right now. I thought about not even mentioning it, because I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record.ย I bet that saying doesn’t make sense to a lot of people under 30.ย 

Anyway, we have two world leaders behaving like children with their fingers over buttons that can kill millions. We have our government trying to take healthcare from millions. We have peaceful protesters being vilified while Nazis and white supremacists, who have actually murdered someone, not being condemned by the president.

I don’t even want to talk about work. We have an implementation coming up fast and I am terrified. I’m shaky all the time and the taste of metal is my constant companion.

I’ve actually made an appointment with my doctor. The last time my anxiety felt this bad, I was being poisoned by my medicine. I don’t think that is the case this time. I think life is just really bizarre and difficult now and my coping skills have gone into hiding.

Dealing with hard epiphanies right now is just too much.

Anyway, I had an epiphany the other day and this one didn’t hurt at all.

This one was as light as marshmallow fluff. And less sticky! It also kind of has to do with Jesus.

Randy really was super worried about that last post about Jesus quitting Twitter. He was afraid that I would offend someone and they would go on the attack. He worries about that a lot. I totally get it. I get he is concerned. I get that he knows how long I’ve been working at writing and doesn’t want me to harm my brand.

Here is my epiphany: I don’t care.

If I were writing to make money, I would have quit writing five years ago. I just want to do what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love making money from writing. I love it. Especially, because we’re painting our house and paint is expensive. But I don’t make a lot of money. Not enough to make a real difference.

I don’t care about that, either.

I want to write because I love it. I love coming up with a clever turn of phrase. I love ranting. I love when I can actually make myself laugh. I love connecting with other humans. I love when I can release something that is buzzing in my brain, especially painful things, because when I share these things with you, they don’t hurt as much anymore.

I have a few big projects that I am currently not working on because I’ve been paralyzed. I have a constant push in my brain to get these projects done. Get them done. Get them right. Make them good.

It is driving me mad.

I don’t want writing to be another thing in my life that hurts my brain.

I have enough of that, more than my share.

I will work on my bigger projects because they are interesting to me.

I am not in a race. I need not do these projects for any other reason than because it pleases me to write them. Selling them doesn’t mean anything right now. People loving or hating or being indifferent to my stories isn’t part of this process. I just want to write because I want to. It’s okay to stop comparing myself. I don’t have to have an impressive bio. I can just write what I want because writing feels good.

This epiphany felt more like a release.

This epiphany feels more like a warm blanket. Also, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this epiphany. I don’t know if the definition of epiphany allows for multiple epiphanies about the same thing, if not, lets just pretend it does. Apparently, this is a lesson I am going to have to learn more than once. I doubt this is the last time.

This is really cool because the constant feeling of being overwhelmed eased up with this epiphany. Not a lot, but enough to allow for a few deep breaths.

We gotta take what we can get, right?

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54 comments

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  • Got it. A couple of weeks ago, I turned to my writing when I was underwater with different issues and it turned on me instead and said: “You’re just going to make me another stressor, so no.” And then it punished me with writer’s block for a couple of days. I figured it out and came to much the same place you’re in right now.

    You’re doing it right, to make writing your haven and not your “more fun” project. Too easily, writing can slip into the task category if you’re in “get it done” mode, and you’re too good to let that happen.

    Thank you for this. Like other times, it was reinforcing to see you express the thoughts I’ve had myself with flair and style.

  • The one thing I’ve really taken away from blogging is the not selling your soul for profit epiphany. I don’t want to be the blogger who talks about incontinence pads, or who changes their voice to get better SEO etc etc. I just want to be me and if you like me that’s great, and if you don’t then I don’t mind because I’ll never know (hopefully). It’s really liberating not being owned by what I write.

  • I like your epiphanies.
    I don’t care if you have the same one 42 times! Each one is a little bigger, a little better, a little more encompassing….
    Reading you is the same way, … I feel a little bigger, a little better and my problem isn’t so all encompassing.
    While it hasn’t been enjoyable feeling your pain in your writing, it has been delightful reading your sneak attacks and subtle victories.
    But, most of all, it has been my joy to get to feel your camaraderie and KNOW without a doubt that I am NOT the only one who feels like I do and that I have a fellow sister by my side when the whole world is telling me I’m wrong.
    Dammit… we’re back to me owing you money ๐Ÿ˜€
    How’sabout a little snuggle, instead? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • We must be on the same wave length. No anxiety attacks, migraines. I have determined when I have my epiphanies, I am going to write about them. I just posted a long post on FB. I probably will get a few likes and incur the wrath of my more conservative friends. At this point, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I am thinking of writing a blog probably for my own amazement and amusement. Write, Michelle, please continue. I believe it is therapeutic for you but for all of us as well. We can say, “Hey, here is someone who thinks like I do.” We all may be loony but we can be loony together.

  • I’ve had this epiphany periodically vis-ร -vis my painting. That is, everytime I feel bad about not having a galleries showing and selling my stuff, I remember why I paint โ€“ it makes me feel good. I love painting and that’s enough. Yes, I dearly wish there were museums clamoring for my bunny headed nudes or my sextych “Six Dicks” or my tribute to The Amazing Bob but I guess I don’t want that enough to market my work or change my subject matter to something that appeals to a wider audience.

    And that’s OK.

  • I have thought about ‘monetizing’ my blog but, I never follow through. I write what I want when I want and if I had someone spending money on my blog I’d be obligated to them and that’s NOT what I started blogging for. As it’s grown over the past seven years I’ve had more opportunities to make money, but not by selling ads on my site. I think of it as ‘organic’. Just like yours and that’s all we need to make us feel complete.
    b

    • Exactly! Randy has talked about monetizing my blog, but we’ve just never gotten around to it. I just want to write it and stop stressing about the “other” projects.

  • I don’t make a single penny from my blog, and the people who follow me do it, I assume, because they’re on the same wave length as me, and aren’t easily offended, although I’m pretty sure I lost a follower once after I posted about taking Jesus to the waterpark. So long as my family laughs, then I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Also, I thought your Jesus on Twitter post was hilarious, and if people can’t see the essential truths behind the humour of your writing, then phht to them!

    • Thank you! And I don’t expect to make money from my blog…it’s the other projects, but they are stressing me out. I need to kick back and remember why I wanted to do them in the first place.

  • I love your title – it’s definitely the title of the day. I hear you on ALL of this (and my 21 year old (and all her friends) are very into records now (retro?) so they probably would get the reference! (Maybe) Hugs.

  • The most original and impactful ideas come from not giving a fuck about what anyone else thinks. Ricky Gervais ended up writing and directing the original version of “The Office” because he knew what he wanted to write and see. Nobody else could have created what was in his brain. Turns out, it was so popular, it WAS reproduced in the US. Write what is meaningful, when it is meaningful and you will always attract readers/viewers. On a separate note, I’ve found that being in my 50s really does eliminate a lot of worrying about other people’s opinions. And, I will read anything you throw down because it’s your voice that I find compelling, whether you write every day, month or year. I can wait.

  • Briana was saying yesterday that she had wondered what people meant when they compared themselves to broken records, because she was thinking of world records or Olympic records, so the saying wasn’t making any sense to her.
    Then there’s the format update to the saying, found in Visqueen’s “Crush on Radio”:

    You’ll stay as long as I press play

    But then you’ll hit record and you’re out the door anyway
    Our whole relationship is a cd skipping away

    Crush on radio

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=er6NW_pDZ-s

    I don’t even remember when the epiphany hit me about who I was really making music for, but it was a long, long, time ago, and get this: it proved essential to what I was actually doing. I was playing for my enjoyment, and the ambiguities about what I really wanted out of music were cutting into that enjoyment with a meat-axe.
    Once I freed myself from some arbitrary program to conform to, my playing got much better, and with a quickness, and as it turns out, that was what I really cared about.

    I hope your anxiety gives you a break, because keeping us rocked back on our heels is Fergus’ actual program. It remains to be seen whether it will work for him, but it is very clear already that it isn’t working for us.

  • Take what you can get and clearly you’ve learned the most important lesson of all: sometimes even the best lessons have to be relearned.
    Also it’s interesting to me that you did care enough to share “Jesus Christ Quits Twitter”. You knew it was funny and thought-provoking and while it was a little risky you cared about sharing it with people who you knew would get the joke and its underlying significance. You cared enough to put your trust in the intelligence of most of your visitors here.
    I’m glad you can let go and not care about some things but that you’ve still got priorities.

    • You are the best. Or….maybe I wrote it a few months ago..didn’t have a blog post ready and used that because it was there.

      Or not. You know..maybe it was something in between. haha

  • As Eckhart Tolle says, “Accept the present moment.” Everything is as it should be, even the bad stuff. For some strange reason, this helps me gain perspective. There’s nothing we can do about the two lunatics, by the way. Just accept what’s happening and hope for the best.

  • I’ve come to a similar epiphany a couple times, myself. Nice to see I’m in good company. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I love reading your writing, even if I don’t always have the spoons to comment. The depression/anxiety monster has a hold of a lot of us, right now. You may not be making a lot of money from your writing, but you sure are helping a lot of people. Frankly, I think that’s even better. <3

  • Be kind to yourself. Unfortunately thinking people do have a harder time, on account of just, well. thinking. However, it’s preferable to the alternative. Well, mostly.

  • So much about this post I love, Michelle. The fact that you can let go of other people’s expectations of your writing is HUGE. Also, not giving a f**k if peeps like or hate what you have to say—wish I could get there. I don’t think of your blog as a brand but as a person. I’m not sure where those lines get drawn. You’re doing it right.

  • Well, when I’m pissed off I’m my most creative self in kick-back mode. Someone says “don’t wear festive tights over 30,” and you can bet the next day I’m wrapped in festive tights head to toe. Hahaha! A good piss-off snaps me out of a stress/fatigue situation. So does a good long sleep and some sequins, heels, and faux fur, weather permitting. Hang in there.

    And monetize, schmonetize. Recently by chance I found out I’ve been in Vogue, Cosmo, etc., online. Has that made me money? Pffft. Best thing is to focus on what I love. In this case, for you, what you love, WRITING. You’re so damned good at it!!! Money happens but passion is not for sale. (Sounds good but I have no idea what it means. Hahaha!)

    • Oh yeah…If I deduct what it costs me to write..well then..I am not making quite as much. But you are so right..it is way cheaper than therapy and has done more for me than therapy ever did.

  • My sister once said that I write like my life depends on it.

    I don’t make any money, but I have to write because it helps me work out stuff, and feel heard – if even just heard by myself.

    Today I couldn’t sleep in because I had the title of a blog post in my brain and I had to get up and follow it through.

    Tears came when I was writing it, but still and all it is good way to release the words that need to be spoken.

By Michelle

Michelle

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